I am talking to people on this dating app, hinge, and this idea has popped up several times. And while I think I get it I’m not sure exactly what they mean. Of course, everyone has their own interpretation of what they think they mean by it, but I was wondering if you all had anything you wanted to add to it.
Is it being open to being vulnerable with each other?
I found this and I thought it was pretty good actually…
I mostly agree with the points in the images, although they might be a bit too strict – for example, I don’t think you need to fully understand all of your emotions to be emotionally available, as long as you’re not deliberately trying to hide them from your partner (or the relevant person, depending on context)
although I’ve never dated anyone so I could be way off
I agree with you on the strict-ness. I think the availability rule #2 is too strict as well, the idea that they are all your responsibility and you should “repair” them is a bit conformist tbh. Like she seems to place an emphasis on “returning to normal” emotionally which I think is too rigid. Sometimes our emotional baggage cannot be “processed” or as you said we haven’t explored our emotions fully on our own or we are in the process of exploring them. And I can say for me as a western, cishet man that it was really helpful to have a woman friend who kind of went through it with me and teased it out of me. I wouldn’t have been able to do that on my own.
Yeah, that’s a bit weird. A person’s emotional state is obviously affected by their environment, including their partner
Of course but, well, that begets a dialectical materialist analysis of social relationships which is off limits in our individualist society.
In my opinion it’s being ready to be with someone. To be able to look at someone and think: I want to be with you, despite our imperfections and despite what may come ahead. To show them your emotions without holding back.
I have been in an abusive relationship for years and when it finally stopped I was single for over a year. I had to rediscover who I was really. Rediscover my interests, my friends, my family, my own passions and my own being. It made me learn a lot about myself. About why I did things the way I did, about why I felt things the way I did, about who made me feel things and why. During the relationship I used to think I was a shitty person with a lot of anger towards everything. But during my single period I found out I am the complete opposite. I’m a loving and caring person for everyone. A lot of things I claimed to hate weren’t things I actually hated. I was just too messed up to find my own way in my life.
This discovery made me realize that I could never let anyone change who I was. Never again could someone control my life to the point I became hateful towards innocent things, because that’s not who I am. Sure, you can grow out of things and you can find new interests and ideologies, but I believe we all have a basic state of being.
When I met my current girlfriend I was much more confident in who I was and I didn’t let her change that. Instead, I showed her who I am, what weaknesses I have and what my strong point are. And she did the same. And from here on we go forward, continually working things out with each other. It’s hard to explain but when you find someone like that it feels truly unique. We never fight and we resolve our problems by working things out together. We talk about our feelings, our weaknesses and our problems without shame and we don’t judge each other for it.
I think I can do all this because deep down I know who I am and what my values are and that there are lines that can’t be crossed. I learned this through good times, bad times and through living my life and making mistakes. I haven’t figured life out yet of course but I do know who I am and what I can offer. I feel like that’s emotional availability. Not knowing everything perfectly but respecting yourself, your emotions and your boundaries and being able to learn from what happened without irrational anger. It does seem like that’s what your picture is trying to say.
Edit: I’d like to add that I think it also includes not being with someone for the sake of being with someone, but rather because you feel ready to give yourself to someone else. To give your love, time, ideals, emotions and passion to another person that wants to do the same to you. To be comfortable with yourself alone, but also to give you to another person.
Sorry if this is hard to follow, I did have a few drinks with my gf and my marxist group lmao
Not hard to follow at all, and quite beautiful to hear your experience and journey. Thanks for sharing.
I’m always available to get emotional over the great leader Kim Jong-Il’s contributions to theory and socialist construction.
Does that count?
It counts but tbh it goes without saying!
I mostly agree with the list, but it’s kinda… idk, lacking. In a dating context, you’re looking to let someone new into your life, right? So you need to have room for them. If you already have a million other things to deal with and you’re already at your emotional capacity, you can’t be emotionally available. So that’s really step one, imo. From there it’s really just about maintaining that emotional bond and honoring it. Being open to being vulnerable with each other. Yeah, I’d say that’s accurate.
Btw, just a piece of advice if you’re open to it, you should ask the people you’re talking to this question if you haven’t already! If they’ve stated that emotional availability is important to them anyway, might be too random otherwise lol
yeah, the word that came to mind reading it was “rigid” but in broad strokes it seemed like a good jumping off point to kickstart the convo. Your comment makes me think of what my main critique is: a lack of solidarity. Like that list emphasizes a mutually beneficial relationship but in almost a sterile way… idk if I am phrasing it correctly but there is like a lack of benevolence and human-heartedness in a way that borders on treating relationships and emotional sensitivity in a near-transactional way that is very individualistic. A quid pro quo approach which I think is characteristic of how bourgeois ideology categorizes friendships vs romantic relationships rather rigidly.
Always open to advice from you, comrade. And I think that is good advice and a reminder that communication and respect are key in a relationship. To be honest, from now on I am going to ask for clarification on any term as complex as “emotionally available” in all my friendships; it strikes me as important to create a shared lexicon so that you can be on the same page.
It is hard to find people who can actually discuss these things as precisely as any of y’all though, which is why I wanted to post this.
How would you define being “emotionally available”?
The opposite of me an any point in time lol
That is valid. A friend of mine told me that you should “treat emotionally unavailable people like you treat cats: be friendly and loving when your paths cross but give them all the space they need.”
Definitely. That’s a very good way to look at it.
To me the term “emotionally availible” means being in a head space where you are actively ready and availible to date and fall in love and do the things that people expect in a relationship like sharing emotions and being open etc.
Tldr: looking to date is how I always heard it
