My neighbour (40/m) (“N”) confided that his recently retired father (70/m) (“G”) has started going to the casino twice a day (all day but he comes home for dinner).
G’s losses affect the food they eat (multi generational household).
N doesn’t really know what to do. I’m not so concerned for N, moreso his mother/G’s wife.
It’s not my business but, when I was a kid my boyscout leader committed suicide after gambling away his house so I’m pretty sensitive to this sort of thing. I’d like to help if I can.
Any advice?
So G is retired and gambles away food money?
Make sure N’s assets are safe from G.
If G loses the house, N can invite his mom (or both of them) to stay with him if he wants.
N is neighbour G is gambler
N lives in G’s house.
Have N sign a looong term lease with G.
That way it will be harder to evict if G loses the house.
(Leases are not dissolved in a change of ownership)
Wait, so G is also your N?
Yeah sorry I guess it’s not clear.
Addictions often stem from a lack of stimulating activities or connection to others. The recent retirement supports this, as he would have lost both at that time. So he needs to get into some hobby that’s less likely to leave him homeless, but that is gonna fill those needs. You gotta find him somewhere to go that’s outside the house that he can:
- mostly rest/vegetate
- occasionally get rewarded
- do either alone or with a trusted friend
- consume mind altering substances while vegetating (usually alcohol)
With all this in mind I now realize why there’s so many jokes about old dudes fishing. Do with that what you will.
But yeah. You should start some kind of multi generational hobby club for how to sit around and all be dudes together. There’s probably some younger men out there who missed that part during COVID too so like. And figure out some activity that’s not going to be horribly boring to the younger adults that won’t be horribly overstimulating to the older adults.
I’ve always thought the answer to the whole men’s mental health crisis we’re seeing today (I work in inpatient mental health) was getting men to connect better with each other in addition to women. A lot of guys say they weren’t taught to talk about their feelings which means not only are they losing a lot of opportunity for emotional validation, but they’re losing that validation from where it would matter most; the people most like them. I say this because a bunch of young male patients keep asking me for life advice and I’m like bruh we both know nothing I say is gonna make a lick of sense I wasn’t raised in that box.
Make a bet with them that they can’t stop gambling.
If they suddenly started doing this it can be a sign of dementia. Look out for other signs and consider a conversation with a doctor.
Jesus Christ, is that why you see so many pensioners at casinos? That’s even darker than I thought.
This can be an important issue. Also, if the gambler has Parkinson’s disease and is being treated with dopamine agonists instead of levodopa they need to switch asap.
Talk to N and mother first. Open with your personal concern, and experience - to explain why you care, your good intention, and to give significance/urgency to the issue at hand
Offer your help in supporting them in their efforts. Discuss with them how they see it, the state they’re in, what they can do and influence.
I’d consider two approaches - not one or the other, but chase/asses both.
- Limit access to funds, secure funds for needs
- Help them (G) with their addiction and spending - this is very dependent on their personality, view, openness, and personality + your approach to them. Working together with N and mother is essential
If they don’t want your help, or don’t see any approaches as feasible, accept it as it is and that you can only do so much and not help everyone even if it’s in your capability and interest.
Hang out with them and show a genuine interest in their feelings. See them on a regular basis, like breakfast every Saturday morning.
When they speak, listen fully. Make sure they are seen for who they really are.
Do what you can to help heal the empty spot they’re trying to fill with their addiction, keeping in mind what you can do is limited.
Check if your country has a Gambling Support hotline and then hand the number to N. They will give proper advice.
Two different solutions.
Solution 1 is to get addiction counseling help for G.
Solution 2 is to take away the financial ability G to gamble.
You cant, ultimately people are responsible for their own actions and short of threatening them you can’t to much to stop a person from living life how they want. Its a gamblers choice to gamble just as its a smokers choice to smoke. As much as it sucks to watch like an onlooker to a train wreck, sometimes you have no choice but to watch someone’s vices destroy their life and negatively impact their family’s wellbeing as a whole. We reap what we sow. G’s wife is also somewhat complicit, if theres ever a time and place for wives to make their husbands lives hell or threaten to leave their sorry ass its when the husband gambles their family away into poverty to chase the rush. Sorry to hear about the suicide thing though, that sucks and its understandable why you are sensitive.
The wife is complicit because she’s not making his life miserable enough? Do you hear yourself?
You don’t. I also don’t recommend you marry them… Happily divorced now 🙄
Gotta break the routine, it’s the only way to stop addiction.
You signed me up for the army??
When someone is in a hole, you can give them a ladder, but they have to choose to climb up it.
Difficult without more detail.
Does G understand the damage they are doing or are they still in denial?
How much control does G’s wife have over the household finances?
G needs to want help. And an important means of helping is to prevent him having access to most of his cash. If he can be persuaded to sign over control over his bank accounts, or pay his pension into his wife’s account as soon as he receives it, and get a weekly allowance in return, that might help with the impulse control.
But he’d have to want the help. So the first step is getting him to admit that he has a problem.
It may also be worth the family consulting a solicitor. If he’s in danger of gambling away the house, there may be legal steps you can take. Including having the casino bar him (but this may depend on where you are, and how many casinos he has access to).
Thanks, yeah when I spoke to my neighbour I got the impression that they do have something like that set up. But I’ll try to get them to understand the importance of making it difficult to reverse or work around.
with your help, he can get through this! never give up!
You can help by supporting N and offering to support N’s mother. You probably can’t help G, but you can help them. You probably can’t help N and his mother know how to help G, but you can support them as they try to cope.
Good luck.
