I’m very sorry for rambling and writing terribly. It’s very late where I am and I feel exhausted after spending all day fighting myself again. I’ve been putting off sending a post like this for a while, but I just feel like I’m at the end of my rope. Hopefully I make at least a little sense. I just started typing and wrote from my heart without looking back. Thank you for reading.
I’m just very confused and its destroying my mental health. Thinking of the future in general is soul sucking. I don’t have dreams of traveling anymore, or going out with friends, or having a family or a high paying job. All I have is stress and fear from the very idea of working 40+ hour weeks at a dead end capitalist job with no vacations, no benefits, no sick days, playing a capitalist rat race, not having enough money to save up and support myself, and not having enough time or money to do anything interesting or worthwhile. I feel like I’m trapped in a cruel hell.
I’m currently in the college hell of trying to determine what to major in, and more importantly pursue in the future as a career or field. I’m quite lost and extremely anxious going through this. I feel that most of my interests are laughable and/or translate to poorly paying jobs, or are social “negatives” that can only be rarely applied in a very niche collection of spaces in a capitalist system (i.e. Marxism). For example I was very interested in political sciences, but jobs are one in a million if I weren’t to pursue academia or law which I’m not particularly interested in. Even then what little jobs there are are pretty much all for neoliberal, conservative, and imperialist; corporations, thinktanks, and government institutions. Along with that, all my dreams of the future feel empty and impossible now, as I have a hard time finding any strength to fight back against the system alone. It’s hard to see the purpose is trying. I feel like I made a big mistake walking out Plato’s cave and seeing the world for what it is. I wish I could go back to the blissful ignorance.
I can’t even decide what I like anymore, I don’t enjoy anything useful like Comp Sci or Medicine, and I don’t feel a particular strong passion or interest for any field, even ones that don’t pay well or are rare. For example I have a friend in art school, which while an unconventional and poorly respected path in the capitalist hellscape, they find great passion and interest in what they do and love every moment of it. Letting them pay little attention to the future.
Meanwhile I feel trapped thinking about the failure I will amount to as I am stuck paralyzed. All I can think about is the hellscape of the system I’m trapped in with no way to claw out of. Like a bad dream that you can’t wake up from.
I’m very privileged to have been able to see a a very distinguished and well respected therapist and psychologist for what’s been going on in my life, but even they’re clueless. All they can give are sad platitudes, and depressing agreement to what I say. They are a wonderful person and try their best, but it seems like there’s little someone can do to help a problem like this.
I feel trapped and cursed.
You can have an undecided major in college and take classes from several different fields to see if anything sticks. It’s not a big deal how quickly you finish your undergrad. A lot of people over here go to community college for a few years before transferring credits to university so that’s another (likely much cheaper) option. Switching majors is something you can do too so it’s not a permanent decision once you do pick one.
But about the capitalism thing, yeah, there’s no helping that without a revolution. Careerwise, your best option is to not live in the USA. Yeah…
Careerwise, your best option is to not live in the USA. Yeah…
And people wonder why I’m constantly having to talk myself out of a rope, lmao. Born here, disabled, and mentally ill; and I’m supposed to concentrate on college work in a field where the odds of me getting hired remote(when I’m medically ‘discouraged’ from driving) are about as long me winning the Powerball? It’s a laugh riot, except I don’t find it funny anymore
Alot of it has to do with perspective.
Rejoice! for everything solid may collapse soon! You have a vision of what you desire for this world, thus it has lead you to forums like these! What part of the world do you want to refine that vision for the socialist world? What skills would that require? Can you refine those skills in capitalism?
Disabled? You understand how some of the simplest things to most are hard for you. You can focus your attention for making the world easier for you and there will be marginal benefits for the “abled” that come with it.
Can’t drive? Fuck driving! We want some fucking trains (and buses if we don’t have the political power yet). Remote work may be the future too. When you work you can unionize whatever industry you are in and use your compassion for others to acknowlege what is wrong and not feel powerless in the face of it.
Look at this capitalist hellscape and understand that the more rotten the things you see means that you can envision better versions. The rotten appearance may come from the contradiction of what you know in your heart is possible and what you see in the outside. If it is truely rotten, the material conditions that allow it to exist will stop sustaining it, thus you have no need to fear whatever that thing is. Instead, just build a better replacement with the proletariat for the proletariat. While you are young, just work on skills to help fix whatever pisses you off the most.
We are all going to die regardless! Find people in your area to persue a hobby that doesn’t cost much so that you can enjoy your life while you have it. If the capitalist system wants you to wollow in sorrow and despair, tell it to fuck off and bring joy to others and yourself. If you can embody your ideals and others know that you are an example of an awesome communist in their lives despite their limitations, you can be inspiring towards our cause! If you are thinking of offing yourself, DON’T! Don’t burden the work of killing you upon yourself. Use that lack of fear of death to help people and do awesome things.
Just keep in mind that you don’t have to do it all. Just know that a small piece of the revolution lives through you if you act on it. You are but a small piece of a greater whole.
You don’t need to know everything either. The internet tempts you with that. You know that the profit motive and capitalism ruin everything in obvious ways and that the climate is changing to create more natural disasters. Don’t worry about every detail to burden your mind on how it happens in every context and focus on what you can control. Don’t worry about what doesn’t work, build with what you know will work.
Currently, the community college option is what I’m doing, but it doesn’t feel like its going anywhere class wise as I haven’t found anything interesting out of the array of classes I’ve taken. Its also not like the place I go offers much at all since the place is basically just a glorified 2 year program to train people who want to be nurses since they make up 60-70% of the student body. There are also no clubs, organizations, or student activities in regards to the social aspect, and absolutely business connections, professor connections, or opportunities regarding financial or career services.
Very few colleges are also interested in me for transferring which is even more depressing. I missed the train that I should have taken in high school and done better and gone to a top four year when I could. Now I’ve just been left in the dirt. Even better, even if I do transfer by some miracle, I’ll have already missed the first 1-2 years of the college experience, which means 2 years of missed internships, connection making, smooth course planning, and from everything I’ve seen, as a junior I’ll also be shit out of luck regarding making friends and finding a group.
Don’t get hung up on the prestige of going to a renowned university. As long as it’s accredited, it doesn’t matter too much which one you attend. (and frankly, many of the students and staff of famous colleges huff their own farts)
I went to a public, commuter college where it was very common for students to transfer in. Aside from teenagers, you couldn’t tell which people came directly from high school and which didn’t. Also, I don’t know what college experience you’re talking about since the only substantial difference between the two groups is the orientation they had to go through: for high schoolers it was 2 days long & they had to stay the night, but transfers only had a quick tour guide. Maybe transferring in is a bigger deal for private colleges, but it did not matter at all for mine socially or academically.
As for starting your career, that is going to be shit no matter what. If you want an internship you’ll be shooting your resume into the breeze just as much as the next guy. Same goes for finding a job. Most of the time, companies will just tell you to submit your application through their website anyway so it’s not the end of the world if you miss a career fair or presentation.
Believe me when I say you haven’t missed the train. This country just sucks! Reassuring, I know.
You haven’t even once mentioned people. Think about the people in your life, people that support you unconditionally. That’s a beautiful thing! Hell, even if that were the only good thing about life, life would still be precious!
Regarding careers, there’s no perfect decision to make. Even I hate mine sometimes, but I believe it’s not usually a big deal no matter what you choose, as long as you can actually pull through. And motivation is more important than skill for that.
That is true, I have neglected to think about the people in my life, and there are definitely those that care deeply about me. Keeping those people in mind has been very helpful in trying to move forward. I have struggled though with the fear of loss and the fear of disappointing those close to me, which makes remembering those that love me a double edged sword. However I have tried my best to use those fears instead as motivation to keep moving and improving.
I’ve never had many friends, and its very difficult to not feel disconnected and isolated from people when I feel like there’s no way for me to connect with the world. I’ve always had a poor relationship with my family, and as I live in a very rural area next to a dead city there is no community of any kind to be found where I could bond over common interests. It gets very lonely.
Thank you for your words regarding your career though, I feel like my fear doesn’t come from the worry that I won’t love every single day of my job, or that I’ll actually have to work, but instead from getting stuck in poverty living paycheck to paycheck, soul sucking, death spiral all with a 40+ hour work week. I also have very high aspirations, coupled with my desire to see the world change as a Marxist. That feels like an Achilles Heel.
What are you studying exactly? Haven’t you considered being a teacher? I don’t know how bad wages are for that in the US but maybe you could also give classes in some Mexican city? I assume Usonian universities must be fetishisized so maybe you have a higher chance of getting a job there.
Also, you don’t ever try to look into the future. My rule is think about 6 months ahead maximum, more than that is dangerous, capitalism doesn’t provide you that unless you are bourgeois. You’ll go crazy, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that future is grim, it’s just unknown.
Currently I am just taking general classes needed to cover any degree, so I haven’t committed to any particular field as of yet. I’ve tried to use this time to branch out and try a variety of classes ranging from heavy maths, to biology, to even a drawing class, but nothing stands out to me.
I have thought about teaching but sadly am not very interested in academia or education, coupled with the fact that in the United States, teachers make a minuscule pathetic salary to the degree where many have to work 2-3 jobs to survive. Not to mention the requirements are high so debt would be required to receive almost nothing in return. For university level teaching the discipline is cutthroat and nearly impossible to receive a job in without a PhD and connections.
I am also quite bit a ways from Mexico haha, nearly 3000km from the border from where I am, along with the fact that I do not speak Spanish, I’m not sure about that idea.
I do want to thank you for your words about the future though, I’ve been trying my best to limit my thinking to the next 30 days. It’s just so difficult to see the world falling apart from a Marxist perspective, and not feel absolutely hopeless about what’s to come. Almost like a solider in boot camp training for a war that they know their country is losing. I’ve been trying my best to shake that perspective, but it feels like everything is permeated by the stench of money and fearing that I will not have enough of it (Not to be rich, but enough to simply survive). Coupled with the fear of personal failure. Again, thank you for your words.
Well, I think all your feelings are rational. The times we live in, at least in the imperial core, are pretty troubled. I wonder how much of it is environmental stress. Not necessarily you. Have you considered taking a break from school? Holding a job is not as bad as it seems, even if it’s not the best pay. Live below your means and try to connect with people like you. Is there a psl or something like that around you?
Mainly, I’d say, it sounds like you’re just stressed, and that’s solvable. Reduce your sources of stress. Live a quieter life for a bit. Get in touch with yourself.
Furthermore, try to just think less. Thinking is the source of many problems. I know it sounds like stupid advice, but noticing your stream of consciousness is different from latching on to any emotionally charged thoughts.
Don’t think about the future. Read and study eastern philosophy. The western culture is very attached to complexity, but it’s in simplicity that we can find peace and quiet. Simplicity is clear and subtle.
Have some compassion for yourself. Do what makes you feel at ease. Writing, drawing, walking, music, meditate, are some ideas. Take a step back from yourself and allow yourself to feel what you feel, without attaching yourself to those feelings or turning them into thoughts.
I feel for ya, I’ve been through that, but it will pass, and you’ll find your way. Trust yourself and be very patient.
It’s probably mostly environmental, as I’ve had a very rough home life these past few years, have been very isolated, and am constantly worried and reminded poverty, the need for a job, and my failures in life by my family. On top of that, these feelings add a depressing air of “what am I doing this all for?”.
The few times I’ve been able to step away from all that completely, I’ve felt incredible. Almost like colour came back to my world. Those moments were fleeting though, barely lasting more then a handful of day, and came crashing down as soon as I was reminded and pulled back into “life”.
I also don’t know how happy I’d be stepping aside and working. I do genuinely enjoy learning and studying, and I feel that college is for me. Coupled with that, the work I have done have been the most miserable, awful experiences of my life. Being worked to the bone by a corporation (as those are the only jobs around me), surrounded by coworkers who seem barely alive, and serving people who treat you like disposable garbage.
Sigh I’d love to reduce my stress, but I just don’t know how. Would you have any tips or recommendations you’d give on how to do that effectively? About how to avoid getting attached to charged thoughts, and letting myself let go and relax? As I’ve also has a hard time letting myself do the things that I like without getting apathetic, frustrated, or sucked back into my head. Even things that I feel very interested in and want to do, I seem to never get around to. I have no idea why and it just makes me feel worse, that I can’t even find solace in the things that matter or interest me. You just mentioned that you’ve been through this, and I would be very interested in hearing your story and any advice you could give if you would be alright in sharing.
Lastly my search for leftist groups around me has been fruitless, which makes sense as I doubt any organization would be interested in the decrepit, dead city that I live nearby. The closest groups I’ve been able to find are 2 PSL groups, though one is an hour away from me in a lively college town, and the other is 2 hours away in a major city. Hell I’d join any group at this point, but no luck.
I do want to thank you for everything you’ve said though. It truly matters a lot to me. Thank you friend.
For sure! That all makes sense.
When I started college, it was pretty much the same thing. I lived in a dingy room, eating the cheapest food, secretly smoking cigarettes and being depressed, hating my life and myself, smoking resin, working a degrading job at Wendy’s, awful manager in a terrible, religious, car-centric town.
An awful time.
It’s hard going through the motions sometimes, and college is a great place, but I think reducing stress comes down to simplifying your life. Do you rent an expensive apartment, do you feel suffocated by your family, do you have a hard time getting to work or class, do the people around you make you feel shitty about yourself?
The way to reduce stress and simplify your life? Boundaries. Put emotional boundaries for yourself, don’t get too involved in feeling bad, put limits on yourself. Don’t deny your emotions, but only give them the space you need to be able to let them go, no more, no less. Also boundaries for others. Don’t let others speak ill of you, tell them when your boundaries have been crossed. If they don’t respect your boundaries, it’s time to reconsider the amount of time you are spending with said people. If they are people you live with, get out. At work? Report them or find a different job.
Frankly, a job is a necessary evil if you want more independence. When you’re young, you gotta work your connections. I had none, and had a string of awful jobs, but I also let too many things slide, people didn’t start respecting me and I didn’t feel free until I started putting my foot down.
If the people you work with look ill and depressed, maybe talk to them about labor news. Sneak in as much class consciousness as you can. It can get exciting to do that. Just get to know your co-workers. Why are they so depressed, what do they want from life, what does the boss treat them like? Even if your co-workers are awful people, you can learn how to speak to lumpenproles and reactionaries.
Idk, if you’re generally healthy and have a decent brain, you got all you need to make your way in life. We have to take life a little less seriously cuz we all end up dead, lol. Remember to be patient and compassionate toward yourself, simplify your life however you can, and your thinking. Trust the motions, and keep working. Eventually, you’ll improve, you’ll get better at dealing with all the things life throws at you, one step at a time. It takes years. We’re all still figuring life out :) it’s a trip.
Currently I am living at home with my family, mostly due to financial reasons to save money on rent, food, bills, and so on, while chipping in as I can, as I receive a decent financial aid stipend each month which I am trying to desperately save as much as I can to give myself a leg up. Along with the reason that I do not have a strong physical reason as even if I did move, it would not be far at all due to my college which I have to commute to.
About the simplifying your life point, I do realize now that I have let myself loose and need to reel myself back in. So setting boundaries seems like a very good first step. I know I can control my own actions, so setting those boundaries on my own thoughts seems like a good place to start. Thankfully, of the two friends that I do have they are truly good people at heart and support me wholeheartedly, and I’m very luck for that. The same cannot be said for my family, however sadly it doesn’t seem as if moving away will be as simple as it seems. That is one of my long term goals though, and one of the reasons why I desperately want to go to a four year college with dorms.
Biting the bullet on the job seems like one of the hardest parts of this, especially as I only have access to poorly paying minimum wage jobs. Though since you’ve already been through the process, along with standing up for ones self, how and where did you find the most success when you took your new approach? Especially with establishing connections and gaining a foothold? Though the sneaking in the labor consciousness does seem like pretty interesting fun!
Thank you for your words friends : )
Reading your words it looks like you are maybe living too much in the future. Make an effort to live here and now. Focus on the things that you like, as hobby or leisure time activity, for example, find local people that think like wise and start small projects. That could be for example guerilla gardening if you live in a city full of cars and very little green, or your local Linux Users Group where you may find some anti capitalist sentiments.
Self care is important when your current life exhaust you. Go for example for a daily walk and make efforts to ease your mind with your favorite music. Focus more on the body. Make attempts to increase your senses rather than focusing on brain activity. You mentioned therapists and psychologists, these people can be useful in some cases but it is usually only on a verbal level. There is more, called body work or Body Orientated Therapy, for which even no verbal interaction may be needed. If you have accumulated a lot of stress and anger in your body and mind, body work can possibly help much better than only talking with a psychologist. Think about acupuncture, bio-energetica, dynamic meditation, or Body Stress Release.
There is also Tai Chi and Qi Gong you can practice for which you generally need no other person, and which can help you to be less in your head and more into your body and possibly get your stress levels down. Qi Gong is easier than Tai Chi, and you can find short Qi Going videos on the Internet to get started.
In solidarity.
I’ve had a very big problem in even making an effort to do my hobbies and what used to be my favorite activities. Even things that I feel very interested in and want to do, I seem to never get around to. I have no idea why and it just makes me feel worse, that I can’t even find solace in the things that matter or interest me. It feels like I’m stuck in my head all the time, and that consumes me.
I am also trying my best to find local groups and activities, but my area is pretty desolate and it’s difficult. I’m still keeping up the search and not giving up hope, but my area is very rural and borders a dead city with an extremely high poverty rate, so there is little to do and barely any communities or groups. About an hour away there is more lively small city and college town, but I don’t see how I could make the trip often.
I do agree with you on self care though, I have no idea how to do it but have heard a lot about it and I’d be very interested in it. It just feels that my attempts never go well lol. For example I try to take walks or runs, and all that ends up happening is I spend the whole time thinking. Would you have any personal tips about how to focus on my senses? I will be definitely looking into Tai Chi and Qi Gong though.
My stress, frustration, fear, and anger are probably absurdly high and not helping. I can’t remember the last time I relaxed, it just feels like every time I try I can never let go, and just feel wound up and miserable the entire time. I guess it could be described as burnout? I don’t know how to fix this though. I keep doing what I’ve always been doing and can’t stop.
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