I’m very sorry for rambling and writing terribly. It’s very late where I am and I feel exhausted after spending all day fighting myself again. I’ve been putting off sending a post like this for a while, but I just feel like I’m at the end of my rope. Hopefully I make at least a little sense. I just started typing and wrote from my heart without looking back. Thank you for reading.
I’m just very confused and its destroying my mental health. Thinking of the future in general is soul sucking. I don’t have dreams of traveling anymore, or going out with friends, or having a family or a high paying job. All I have is stress and fear from the very idea of working 40+ hour weeks at a dead end capitalist job with no vacations, no benefits, no sick days, playing a capitalist rat race, not having enough money to save up and support myself, and not having enough time or money to do anything interesting or worthwhile. I feel like I’m trapped in a cruel hell.
I’m currently in the college hell of trying to determine what to major in, and more importantly pursue in the future as a career or field. I’m quite lost and extremely anxious going through this. I feel that most of my interests are laughable and/or translate to poorly paying jobs, or are social “negatives” that can only be rarely applied in a very niche collection of spaces in a capitalist system (i.e. Marxism). For example I was very interested in political sciences, but jobs are one in a million if I weren’t to pursue academia or law which I’m not particularly interested in. Even then what little jobs there are are pretty much all for neoliberal, conservative, and imperialist; corporations, thinktanks, and government institutions. Along with that, all my dreams of the future feel empty and impossible now, as I have a hard time finding any strength to fight back against the system alone. It’s hard to see the purpose is trying. I feel like I made a big mistake walking out Plato’s cave and seeing the world for what it is. I wish I could go back to the blissful ignorance.
I can’t even decide what I like anymore, I don’t enjoy anything useful like Comp Sci or Medicine, and I don’t feel a particular strong passion or interest for any field, even ones that don’t pay well or are rare. For example I have a friend in art school, which while an unconventional and poorly respected path in the capitalist hellscape, they find great passion and interest in what they do and love every moment of it. Letting them pay little attention to the future.
Meanwhile I feel trapped thinking about the failure I will amount to as I am stuck paralyzed. All I can think about is the hellscape of the system I’m trapped in with no way to claw out of. Like a bad dream that you can’t wake up from.
I’m very privileged to have been able to see a a very distinguished and well respected therapist and psychologist for what’s been going on in my life, but even they’re clueless. All they can give are sad platitudes, and depressing agreement to what I say. They are a wonderful person and try their best, but it seems like there’s little someone can do to help a problem like this.
I feel trapped and cursed.
It’s probably mostly environmental, as I’ve had a very rough home life these past few years, have been very isolated, and am constantly worried and reminded poverty, the need for a job, and my failures in life by my family. On top of that, these feelings add a depressing air of “what am I doing this all for?”.
The few times I’ve been able to step away from all that completely, I’ve felt incredible. Almost like colour came back to my world. Those moments were fleeting though, barely lasting more then a handful of day, and came crashing down as soon as I was reminded and pulled back into “life”.
I also don’t know how happy I’d be stepping aside and working. I do genuinely enjoy learning and studying, and I feel that college is for me. Coupled with that, the work I have done have been the most miserable, awful experiences of my life. Being worked to the bone by a corporation (as those are the only jobs around me), surrounded by coworkers who seem barely alive, and serving people who treat you like disposable garbage.
Sigh I’d love to reduce my stress, but I just don’t know how. Would you have any tips or recommendations you’d give on how to do that effectively? About how to avoid getting attached to charged thoughts, and letting myself let go and relax? As I’ve also has a hard time letting myself do the things that I like without getting apathetic, frustrated, or sucked back into my head. Even things that I feel very interested in and want to do, I seem to never get around to. I have no idea why and it just makes me feel worse, that I can’t even find solace in the things that matter or interest me. You just mentioned that you’ve been through this, and I would be very interested in hearing your story and any advice you could give if you would be alright in sharing.
Lastly my search for leftist groups around me has been fruitless, which makes sense as I doubt any organization would be interested in the decrepit, dead city that I live nearby. The closest groups I’ve been able to find are 2 PSL groups, though one is an hour away from me in a lively college town, and the other is 2 hours away in a major city. Hell I’d join any group at this point, but no luck.
I do want to thank you for everything you’ve said though. It truly matters a lot to me. Thank you friend.
For sure! That all makes sense.
When I started college, it was pretty much the same thing. I lived in a dingy room, eating the cheapest food, secretly smoking cigarettes and being depressed, hating my life and myself, smoking resin, working a degrading job at Wendy’s, awful manager in a terrible, religious, car-centric town.
An awful time.
It’s hard going through the motions sometimes, and college is a great place, but I think reducing stress comes down to simplifying your life. Do you rent an expensive apartment, do you feel suffocated by your family, do you have a hard time getting to work or class, do the people around you make you feel shitty about yourself?
The way to reduce stress and simplify your life? Boundaries. Put emotional boundaries for yourself, don’t get too involved in feeling bad, put limits on yourself. Don’t deny your emotions, but only give them the space you need to be able to let them go, no more, no less. Also boundaries for others. Don’t let others speak ill of you, tell them when your boundaries have been crossed. If they don’t respect your boundaries, it’s time to reconsider the amount of time you are spending with said people. If they are people you live with, get out. At work? Report them or find a different job.
Frankly, a job is a necessary evil if you want more independence. When you’re young, you gotta work your connections. I had none, and had a string of awful jobs, but I also let too many things slide, people didn’t start respecting me and I didn’t feel free until I started putting my foot down.
If the people you work with look ill and depressed, maybe talk to them about labor news. Sneak in as much class consciousness as you can. It can get exciting to do that. Just get to know your co-workers. Why are they so depressed, what do they want from life, what does the boss treat them like? Even if your co-workers are awful people, you can learn how to speak to lumpenproles and reactionaries.
Idk, if you’re generally healthy and have a decent brain, you got all you need to make your way in life. We have to take life a little less seriously cuz we all end up dead, lol. Remember to be patient and compassionate toward yourself, simplify your life however you can, and your thinking. Trust the motions, and keep working. Eventually, you’ll improve, you’ll get better at dealing with all the things life throws at you, one step at a time. It takes years. We’re all still figuring life out :) it’s a trip.
Currently I am living at home with my family, mostly due to financial reasons to save money on rent, food, bills, and so on, while chipping in as I can, as I receive a decent financial aid stipend each month which I am trying to desperately save as much as I can to give myself a leg up. Along with the reason that I do not have a strong physical reason as even if I did move, it would not be far at all due to my college which I have to commute to.
About the simplifying your life point, I do realize now that I have let myself loose and need to reel myself back in. So setting boundaries seems like a very good first step. I know I can control my own actions, so setting those boundaries on my own thoughts seems like a good place to start. Thankfully, of the two friends that I do have they are truly good people at heart and support me wholeheartedly, and I’m very luck for that. The same cannot be said for my family, however sadly it doesn’t seem as if moving away will be as simple as it seems. That is one of my long term goals though, and one of the reasons why I desperately want to go to a four year college with dorms.
Biting the bullet on the job seems like one of the hardest parts of this, especially as I only have access to poorly paying minimum wage jobs. Though since you’ve already been through the process, along with standing up for ones self, how and where did you find the most success when you took your new approach? Especially with establishing connections and gaining a foothold? Though the sneaking in the labor consciousness does seem like pretty interesting fun!
Thank you for your words friends : )