I’m very sorry for rambling and writing terribly. It’s very late where I am and I feel exhausted after spending all day fighting myself again. I’ve been putting off sending a post like this for a while, but I just feel like I’m at the end of my rope. Hopefully I make at least a little sense. I just started typing and wrote from my heart without looking back. Thank you for reading.

I’m just very confused and its destroying my mental health. Thinking of the future in general is soul sucking. I don’t have dreams of traveling anymore, or going out with friends, or having a family or a high paying job. All I have is stress and fear from the very idea of working 40+ hour weeks at a dead end capitalist job with no vacations, no benefits, no sick days, playing a capitalist rat race, not having enough money to save up and support myself, and not having enough time or money to do anything interesting or worthwhile. I feel like I’m trapped in a cruel hell.

I’m currently in the college hell of trying to determine what to major in, and more importantly pursue in the future as a career or field. I’m quite lost and extremely anxious going through this. I feel that most of my interests are laughable and/or translate to poorly paying jobs, or are social “negatives” that can only be rarely applied in a very niche collection of spaces in a capitalist system (i.e. Marxism). For example I was very interested in political sciences, but jobs are one in a million if I weren’t to pursue academia or law which I’m not particularly interested in. Even then what little jobs there are are pretty much all for neoliberal, conservative, and imperialist; corporations, thinktanks, and government institutions. Along with that, all my dreams of the future feel empty and impossible now, as I have a hard time finding any strength to fight back against the system alone. It’s hard to see the purpose is trying. I feel like I made a big mistake walking out Plato’s cave and seeing the world for what it is. I wish I could go back to the blissful ignorance.

I can’t even decide what I like anymore, I don’t enjoy anything useful like Comp Sci or Medicine, and I don’t feel a particular strong passion or interest for any field, even ones that don’t pay well or are rare. For example I have a friend in art school, which while an unconventional and poorly respected path in the capitalist hellscape, they find great passion and interest in what they do and love every moment of it. Letting them pay little attention to the future.

Meanwhile I feel trapped thinking about the failure I will amount to as I am stuck paralyzed. All I can think about is the hellscape of the system I’m trapped in with no way to claw out of. Like a bad dream that you can’t wake up from.

I’m very privileged to have been able to see a a very distinguished and well respected therapist and psychologist for what’s been going on in my life, but even they’re clueless. All they can give are sad platitudes, and depressing agreement to what I say. They are a wonderful person and try their best, but it seems like there’s little someone can do to help a problem like this.

I feel trapped and cursed.

  • ComradeSalad@lemmygrad.mlOP
    5·
    2 years ago

    I’ve had a very big problem in even making an effort to do my hobbies and what used to be my favorite activities. Even things that I feel very interested in and want to do, I seem to never get around to. I have no idea why and it just makes me feel worse, that I can’t even find solace in the things that matter or interest me. It feels like I’m stuck in my head all the time, and that consumes me.

    I am also trying my best to find local groups and activities, but my area is pretty desolate and it’s difficult. I’m still keeping up the search and not giving up hope, but my area is very rural and borders a dead city with an extremely high poverty rate, so there is little to do and barely any communities or groups. About an hour away there is more lively small city and college town, but I don’t see how I could make the trip often.

    I do agree with you on self care though, I have no idea how to do it but have heard a lot about it and I’d be very interested in it. It just feels that my attempts never go well lol. For example I try to take walks or runs, and all that ends up happening is I spend the whole time thinking. Would you have any personal tips about how to focus on my senses? I will be definitely looking into Tai Chi and Qi Gong though.

    My stress, frustration, fear, and anger are probably absurdly high and not helping. I can’t remember the last time I relaxed, it just feels like every time I try I can never let go, and just feel wound up and miserable the entire time. I guess it could be described as burnout? I don’t know how to fix this though. I keep doing what I’ve always been doing and can’t stop.