How do you combat dysphoria in order to be yourself? I find myself struggling to dress the way I want to, love the way I want to, and even try makeup because I constantly get a sudden overflow of dysphoria. I can do things for an hour at most until I feel completely shattered. I struggle to combat internalised transphobia too.
Idk, I just feel so stuck and alone in this battle to liberate myself sometimes. I know I have so much potential but my dysphoria shuts me down completely.
There’s also some dysmorphia that may be at play. Not being able to really know what I look like fucks with me to an immense level.
It can be incredibly difficult, absolutely. It’s something I still struggle with, and I’ve been out and living fully as myself for about four years now.
It started with finding a little bit of a routine. For me it was growing out my hair. Every day I brush out my hair and braid it. Then I look in the mirror and say, “you look nice today seanchai” whether it feels like a lie or not.
Some days I felt comfortable wearing makeup (I’m not really a makeup person so even now I barely ever do, maybe some eyeliner now and then). Some days (especially days when I didn’t have to leave the house) I felt comfortable wearing dresses and skirts.
The dysphoria used to be frequent. There would be brief moments where I felt so comfortable, and then I would catch sight of myself, or a passing thought of how I must look from the outside would hit me, and I would be sitting there thinkin “what the fuck am I even doing.” But I didn’t want to pretend anymore, and I didn’t want to die.
or well…maybe it’s better to say that I did want to die. And if I was going to die anyway, I might as well give being myself a shot. Maybe it would get better, or maybe it wouldn’t, but at least I’d die myself.
Four years on, and I’ve gone from feeling those moments nearly daily to going months at a time without feeling it. I look in the mirror and I say “you look nice today seanchai” and it doesn’t feel like a lie. Because I found what me feels like.
It really helps to find people who affirm you. People who are going through the same thing, or something similar. I know that can be hard. I literally only know one other trans woman in real life, and we aren’t close. Our journeys haven’t been remotely similar.
But I’ve found people online. And I’ve been making efforts to be around more queer people in real life. Not people who have similar experiences as me, but people whose experiences are so wildly different that it’s helped me unpack a lot of the weird in-built associations of gender and sexuality that I never knew I was harbouring.
Because, yeah, we’ve been inundated with so much bullshit that there are near-instinctual misconceptions, ideas and feelings that we direct inwards and emotionally flay ourselves with.
So talking to other people. Reading their stories. Getting a grasp on the things you don’t know about queerness and the entire vast array of different life experiences people can have is essential. Because you’ll start to uncouple these snap judgements and ingrained associations. You’ll find your own biases laid bare and confront them, and grow to be a better person. Not just for others, but for yourself.
I wish this was an easy journey, but reimagining the structures of society never is. Learning to question ideas that have been presented to you as axiomatic is world-shaking, emotionally exhausting work. It’s work that doesn’t have an end goal. But the more I educate myself, the more I learn about the things I didn’t know I needed to learn, the better I’m able to approach everybody (cis or trans or otherwise) with less assumptions and preconceptions and let them show for themselves who they are. And I’m more able to extend that to myself.
As far as the dysmorphia, does that extend to photographs? I used to struggle with an eating disorder (I still sort of do, but I generally have a handle on it now), and I found that seeing a still photo of myself made it a little easier to be critical of my actual appearance and not what I perceived my appearance to be
Yeah, it’s really hard to get comfortable with my face because I have no idea what it looks like. Like I can look in the mirror and see an inverted image of me, then I look completely wayyyyy different in the back camera which is supposed to be how others see you, and then you have to consider lens sizes, lighting, resolution, etc. It’s all so very confusing.
Also, stay strong honey, as the days go by progress occurs whether we’re conscious of it or not❤🫂
On the subject of lighting: remember that natural lights are infinitely more flattering than whatever the hell we have going on in our homes. Everyone looks pretty in the sunshine, and the moon is pretty much the hot-maker.
Because I found what me feels like.
Because, yeah, we’ve been inundated with so much bullshit that there are near-instinctual misconceptions, ideas and feelings that we direct inwards and emotionally flay ourselves with.
And most of it isn’t even real! It’s just ideology. Btw, you might be interested in this
Because you’ll start to uncouple these snap judgements and ingrained associations. You’ll find your own biases laid bare and confront them, and grow to be a better person. Not just for others, but for yourself.
Been awake for literally fifteen minutes and I’m already reading theory, thaaaaanks
It takes time. Time to accept the changes as they come, time to work through everything else, time to make connections, time to get advice, time to see a different you in the mirror, and time to see the you that was there all along.
I agree with the others that finding people to talk to about it is probably the best thing you can do. When you’re alone, ideas spiral because they have nowhere to go. But with others you can bounce them around and transform them. When I was younger I took a lot of advice from people who were older and a little further along. And now that I’m older I’m taking advice from people with new ideas.
If you ever need help, just reach out.
I’ve been on this journey for a year now, I think the issue with the speed of it comes from things I can’t control. I haven’t been able to do anything other than grow my hair out and dress up when I’m at a sleepover, everything else is out of the question. Luckily I have a therapist tho.
Hey, really good job on getting a therapist. Therapy isn’t for everyone, but it’s really helpful for a lot of people and it takes a lot of courage. Trans, cis, whatever, it’s not easy to actually go out there and say, I need help and I need to talk to someone. So make sure you acknowledge that you did that, and that’s super cool
Tysm for your support it means a lot❤🫂
We support you all the way!!!
Tyyyy❤
doing things alone is really hard. some good advice i see passed around is, /find your tribe/. that advice still feels so impossible and far away for me in a meatspace physical reality way, but even the strangers i’ve connected with and spent time with in the streets, of all shades and colours have meant so much to me, and genuinely improve my mental well being. maybe for me it’s like finding ephemeral tribes that constantly pop up and dissolve all in one wild night.
the other thing i’d like to mention is, it’s good to question if you are forcing stuff or rushing into things. that alone is a cause of all kinds of stress which for me would definitely lead to dysphoria, among other things, especially when diving into new territory.
then, one of my criticisms of western liberal trans identity is that it tends to paint womanhood as this 1950’s plastic stepford wives kind of vibe. it can become such a fake superficial feminism that’s not healthy
then, one of my criticisms of western liberal trans identity is that it tends to paint womanhood as this 1950’s plastic stepford wives kind of vibe.
That whole aesthetic is kinda dying with gen-x/older millenials and shifting specifically to transmed conservative circles. Most young transfems these days tend to get into anime junk which can have an equally weird effect on self-perception.
The obsessiveness with diminuitive features gets a lot of people stuck in a limbo of “I wouldn’t be pretty enough anyway” and then they go back into egg-mode for a while. I think some of them get courage from seeing RL transition results from living people or getting encouragement from people who care about them, as you said with the ‘find your tribe’ thing.
But there’s also a large contingent of people (esp influenced by tumblr culture) who are just like “fuck it, I’m gonna be goblingender now” or whatever. Being nonbinary or identifying with some unconventional gender is less stigmatized, at least in lgbt circles. Even just joking about xenogenders takes some of the edge of performativity off. Like if you’re aiming to look like a raccoon, and you tell everyone you’re aiming to look like a raccoon, the straights will just be like static noises, but queer people will come out of the woodwork like SOUNDS LIKE A VIBE/SOUNDS HOT BE THE BEST RACCOON YOU CAN BE. Being a Gender Accelerationist, myself, I think this kind of positivity is neat. Trying to fit neatly into the male/female box only causes problems, even for cis people.
thanks for some of those updates and developments. that picture won’t load for me, not sure what that is.
It was a meme…then I remembered there’s a whole webcomic about it 😅
https://m.webtoons.com/en/challenge/i-want-to-be-a-cute-anime-girl/list?title_no=349416&page=1
looked through a few of these. they’re wholesome and down to earth
I know, trans people are so cool. (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ)
just says page not found
Sorry, fixed
I’ve just read all these in one go 😭 had a little cry. Am I okay?
I think setting small goals for yourself might be beneficial! Transitioning is a process, and I can tell you from personal experience it can feel like one step forward two steps back.
Set up goals that you can achieve For example: follow a makeup tutorial, look at people you admire and pick up on how they dress. Pinterest is a great jumping off point for figuring out how u wanna dress. Find what makes you feel empowered!
Regardless tho you are not a product! There is no ideal you need to live up to. I know it’s hard to love yourself, but at least give yourself a chance.
You and your body are deserving of respect and love just as much as anyone else trans, cis or otherwise. Here for support on the journey comrade <3
Ilysm thank you for the advice, hope you have a good day ❤
