It can be incredibly difficult, absolutely. It’s something I still struggle with, and I’ve been out and living fully as myself for about four years now.

It started with finding a little bit of a routine. For me it was growing out my hair. Every day I brush out my hair and braid it. Then I look in the mirror and say, “you look nice today seanchai” whether it feels like a lie or not.

Some days I felt comfortable wearing makeup (I’m not really a makeup person so even now I barely ever do, maybe some eyeliner now and then). Some days (especially days when I didn’t have to leave the house) I felt comfortable wearing dresses and skirts.

The dysphoria used to be frequent. There would be brief moments where I felt so comfortable, and then I would catch sight of myself, or a passing thought of how I must look from the outside would hit me, and I would be sitting there thinkin “what the fuck am I even doing.” But I didn’t want to pretend anymore, and I didn’t want to die.

or well…maybe it’s better to say that I did want to die. And if I was going to die anyway, I might as well give being myself a shot. Maybe it would get better, or maybe it wouldn’t, but at least I’d die myself.

Four years on, and I’ve gone from feeling those moments nearly daily to going months at a time without feeling it. I look in the mirror and I say “you look nice today seanchai” and it doesn’t feel like a lie. Because I found what me feels like.

It really helps to find people who affirm you. People who are going through the same thing, or something similar. I know that can be hard. I literally only know one other trans woman in real life, and we aren’t close. Our journeys haven’t been remotely similar.

But I’ve found people online. And I’ve been making efforts to be around more queer people in real life. Not people who have similar experiences as me, but people whose experiences are so wildly different that it’s helped me unpack a lot of the weird in-built associations of gender and sexuality that I never knew I was harbouring.

Because, yeah, we’ve been inundated with so much bullshit that there are near-instinctual misconceptions, ideas and feelings that we direct inwards and emotionally flay ourselves with.

So talking to other people. Reading their stories. Getting a grasp on the things you don’t know about queerness and the entire vast array of different life experiences people can have is essential. Because you’ll start to uncouple these snap judgements and ingrained associations. You’ll find your own biases laid bare and confront them, and grow to be a better person. Not just for others, but for yourself.

I wish this was an easy journey, but reimagining the structures of society never is. Learning to question ideas that have been presented to you as axiomatic is world-shaking, emotionally exhausting work. It’s work that doesn’t have an end goal. But the more I educate myself, the more I learn about the things I didn’t know I needed to learn, the better I’m able to approach everybody (cis or trans or otherwise) with less assumptions and preconceptions and let them show for themselves who they are. And I’m more able to extend that to myself.