(It’s weird to call it “falling in love”, because it’s more like a childish and annoying infatuation, but anyway…)
I’m already terrible at socializing, but it’s especially difficult for me to create genuine friendships with women because I can’t help thinking of them as “possible future partners” (or some bullshit like that) and feel “jealous” when I see them talking to other men. It’s stupid, a really stupid and annoying felling.
I know there is something in me that I need to change, but I don’t know what, and I need some assistance.
I would like to feel more comfortable with my singleness and reserve my feelings for someone who can really reciprocate, while forging more non-romantic relationships with other people.
Disclaimer: people are complicated. I sorta have to project to answer and I dont know exactly what causes your jealousy.
I used to get a lot more jealous. I used to think that I was the right partner for someone and that they were making a mistake by being with someone else. I kinda justified it with this half baked empathy that wanted the girl to be happy, but didn’t accept her as an intelligent person that can navigate and choose a partner for herself.
My jealousy was rooted in a bit of a superiority complex. I needed to accept that there are a lot of good people out there just trying to find a partner. That I’m not better than them.
I think it is fine to have feelings for a girl, its also fine to be disappointed when they don’t reciprocate. No need to try and not feel those feelings. I think it is a big ask to try and control our romantic attraction, but we can manage how we respond to it.
Though again, what if I’m wrong and maybe this stems from an attachment issue yk? I’m over here projecting. Hope this helps anyways.
It does helps! Maybe there’s a bit of ego in my way of seeing things.
And as you said, People are complex, it’s true, it’s difficult to understand ourselves. That’s why it’s good to share experiences with others in order to find inner answers. Thanks for sharing!
Try and flip the fantasies on their head.
Try looking for odd quirks and mannerisms that bother you and imagine how annoying it would be to be with a partner that does those things all the time.
Look for the particular ways they want to be cared for in the manner and how you would not be suitable to meet them, and that they might be happier with someone else.
Also just spend more time with them, and the infatuation will either fade or you’ll realize you do really like them, which is OK, let them know, and it’s OK if it’s not reciprocal (though this is actually quite hard as a lot of women are conditioned to not believe men who say this).
I understand how you feel. The first step to reduce the frustration is to try and give it less importance: as you said yourself, it’s not falling in love, it’s just infatuation. Your brain is confusing attractiveness to another person (physical or romantic) for a deep connection that doesn’t come at first sight (despite what movies and tv would make you believe) but develops in time.
You will be attracted to a lot of people in your life (assuming you’re not aromantic or asexual) and, with time, you’ll realize if you went deeper in many of these situation, the attraction would disappear, because the shallow opinion you have of a person you are not dating is very difficult to get right, and usually filtered positively by your monkey brain that just wants to formicate.
Of course trying and deepening these attractions would help you realizing this, which might not be easy if you have difficult approaching other people, but try and reflect on similar situations in the past and think about them cold-hearted: to how many people are you still infatuated? Don’t you see now the “bad things” that you brain was hiding and that don’t make you two really compatible?
Eventually it just becomes a nuisance. I don’t know if you can change it, but you can accept it and it will bother you less if you understand the mechanism behind it.
Maybe you just feel affection-starved and in these situations it’s easy to attach to ideas of relationships rather than real ones. Nothing weird of course, everybody do it is some way or another. It’s a combination of social brain and (according to your comnents) low self-esteem.
Of course these are my 2 cents according to personal experience, a therapist would you help you more with that.
Practice, imo. You can begin interactions with the mindset of “I want to make friends” and get used to that idea.
I know this has been said a lot for questions like this, but it’s still true: the answer to your problem lies in seeing a psychologist. Probably no need for psychotherapy but some counseling could help you sort these things out
I know it helps. I sought psychological help to treat my depression and lack of self-esteem at the time and it helped tremendously. Maybe I should look into getting that kind of help again.
I know someone with an issue kinda like this. Some childhood trauma and neglect lead to her forming limerant relationships and made it difficult for her to be platonically friendly with men that she viewed as eligible. Her fix was doing evidence-based therapies like EMDR and healing her fear of being alone/unsupported/unloved. It took her a while, but she’s much better at having platonic friendships with men now.
Catholics are professionals at expressing deep love for the “best friends” they met ten minutes ago the night before disappearing from their lives entirely
I know there is something in me that I need to change, but I don’t know what, and I need some assistance.
The ability to recognize, cherish, and wield the quirks and stereotypes we inherited, maybe?
