I am not in a great place right now in terms of productivity and flourishing in my personal and professional life, and every time I waste a day, every time I do something that I enjoy at the moment but which is not productive, I feel ashamed.

I live in a country, where students sometimes end their own lives for not being able to get into their dream college or for not passing the exam that would have allowed them a job in the government bureaucracy, I have always thought that they were not ending their lives because they didn’t pass the exams, but they are ending it because they have indulged in activities which are not conducive to their goal of passing the exam so many times that they have given up on themselves and every time they spend a lot of time doing stuff which they might like to do in the moment but would regret right after they do it, their respect for self decreases a little more and when they get the sad news that could not progress towards their goals, they have not only failed as an aspirant for an exam, they have also failed as a person (for now at least)

i.e., As Dostoevsky states in C&P, “Your worst sin is that you’ve destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing”, even though I might indulge in activities that are pleasurable for me now, they add up to nothing and if I do this enough times, I will just give up and sometimes some people will give up on all not just their goals because they hate themselves so much!

I don’t want to end up like them (even though I feel pity for them, too bad there isn’t an afterlife for them where they can be happy) , so I thought I would whip myself into a frenzy by reading a complication of suicide notes, this is for me an interesting task, but it also serves a purpose of warning me into things that I should not do! And to be completely honest, if I can derive some utility/meaning out of suicide notes, I mean the exact things that advertise the meaninglessness and the ugly side of life, that’s pretty inspirational to me, I mean, it’s like a metaphor for life, trying to life despite all the ugly stuff. So, to come back to the question,

Has there ever been a compilation of suicide notes, if so, where can one get it? And is it a good idea to get it?

PS: Sorry if this comes out the wrong way, if you haven’t noticed, I am not that articulate. Also, I am alright right now, I am good, but I don’t want to end up in a real bad situation, so I am looking for what I should I avoid.

edit 2: I like this community, but I don’t have enough time to respond to everyone, but know that I am grateful and know that I have heard you! :)

  • Che Banana@beehaw.org
    5·
    4 months ago

    Thank you for taking the time to ask such a poignant question.

    FWIW you mold your life with a “goal” in mind, and along the way improvise when shit comes at you.

    I never thought i would ever, ever make it this far…but somehow i just did. Keep your head about you, dont worry about the others and find the person that completes you if you need to.

    And spite. Never let go of the spite that makes you outlive the assholes.

    • Subject6051OP
      1·
      4 months ago

      And spite. Never let go of the spite that makes you outlive the assholes

      Please explain that a lil more.

      FWIW you mold your life with a “goal” in mind, and along the way improvise when shit comes at you.

      You see, I had this goal for which I was ready to sacrifice a lot, but turns out I would almost certainly fail if I pursue it and even if I achieve that goal, it ain’t paying my bills! A lose-lose! After I realized that I gave up on it and along with it everything I knew about myself.

      I don’t know what I am doing atm, I am just wandering around thinking, if I know enough maybe I will get to know what will make me happy and then I can pursue it. i.e., No use sitting at home thinking about it and having an existential crisis.

      • Che Banana@beehaw.org
        1·
        4 months ago

        Outlive your enemies is as simple as that. You will encounter many villainous people who may or may not have influence over your life at some point, the intention of the quoted saying is that you “win” over those dickheads by living as good a life as you can.

        A simplified example: one Manager I had fired me, but now I am living on my terms and in a place that is amazing, and he is selling insurance.

        Life is all about adapting to changes, and an overall goal is good, but shit comes at you quickly and you either learn to deal with it or have a heart attack at 30.

        • Subject6051OP
          2·
          4 months ago

          Outlive your enemies is as simple as that. You will encounter many villainous people who may or may not have influence over your life at some point, the intention of the quoted saying is that you “win” over those dickheads by living as good a life as you can.

          Thank you! A life well-lived is the best revenge! haha… I like that!

          Thank you very much for the explanation :) It helped!