Please be kind as this topic is a pain point for me. I’m feeling the pressure of finding my significant other because I’m at an age where it seems like everyone in my social media feed is getting engaged, married, or having kids. The issue is I have a huge transition coming up and will have to move in a few months to a place that is a few hours away by car. I will have a lot more free time soon before moving, but then after I’ve moved to the new location I will be extremely busy and worry that I won’t be able to sustain a relationship, let alone a long distance one. However, I am very aware that the clock is ticking and something else to consider is that I need to rely heavily on dating apps currently, whereas there would likely be more potential suitors where I’m headed to. What if I do find the right person during this seemingly short window of time? What if we could make the long distance work or he wanted to move with me? Or do you think it is smarter and there is more potential for me to meet someone at the new location after getting situated? Any advice or suggestions are welcome. Thank you!
I would recommend against apps intended for dating. The companies that run then are not in the business of setting to successful relationships but making money off of repeat customers. Better to engage in social activities where you can find people who you have things in common with.
Do YOU want these things?
First, thing that I’d like to advise here is that you shouldn’t worry about this. It’s not pretty and romantic but, there is no “one” for anyone. And I don’t mean that in a nihilistic way. There are many “ones” out there for every one of us. It’s all about being in the right place, right time, and condition. There are over 8 billion humans on this planet. That number is so large that it is literally impossible for humans to envision and comprehend the quantity. The chances of there not being a potential partner for you with a high level of compatibility is vanishingly small.
As for if you were to find someone, be honest from the beginning. If they make it problematic, then they are not respecting you and they’re not a “one”.
I think that you should ask yourself what you want in life, overall, as well as what you want now. It sounds like you are fairly young so, you likely need to explore more and discover who you are and want to be. Dating or just plain socializing is probably a good way to keep up your social skills but also to learn more about yourself and others. But don’t think that this are the only choices. You don’t have to date. You don’t have to marry. You don’t have to ever have kids. Those are your decisions, noone elses. Hell, you could even be aro/ace. And that’s just fine and worth exploring as well if none of that relationship stuff draws you.
Thank you so much for the thoughtful insight! It’s funny in a not so funny way how growing up I was like of course I will eventually settle down, get married, and procreate. Probably meet a “one” by 22, 23 and marry a few years later. Yeah that sounds like a great plan. And then reality hit, including a pandemic. Long story short, I’m not sure if I want kids and can’t fathom all the work that comes with that but I’m also not closing the door on it.
8 billion humans yet the ones I’ve tried loving were either emotionally unavailable, looking for something different, or a narcissist (most recent and hurt the most even after all the other boys). It almost makes me wonder if I’m incompatible with a relationship.
I appreciate the safe space and validation to forget what I think I should do and prioritize what I want to do. I probably sound really dark about this topic but it helps having support from kind samaritans like you. We’ll see what happens. If you don’t mind me asking, did this all work out for you? Winding road or fairly easy?
I don’t mind at all. For me, it’s definitely been a more winding road, complicated by things outside of my control and really childhood trauma (not a path that I particularly recommend, given the choice) but, now in my mid-30s, I’d not change it much, even if it were possible. My teens and early twenties weren’t great but looking back, it was primarily due to a lack of maturity, knowledge, and experience. It wasn’t easy but, I did get to know myself better and crossed paths with a woman who has become a better partner to me than I thought possible.
We all have different paths, easier or harder at different times. If I knew some of the things that I do now, certainly, it would have been easier.
Sure, early twenties may be a good age for some lifelong relationships but, it really is still young adulthood, with a lot of growing and self-discovery yet to come. For some, growing together with a partner is a great experience, for some, they grow apart, and others are better exploring solo.
And don’t let any of that garbage about a woman’s “value” after 30 or 35 plant itself in your mind (or pull it out by the roots of it made its way there). None of that is based on real biological science, but rather bunk from the 19th century. Biologically, someone with a uterus is generally able to conceive until menopause (usually about mid-40s), if they don’t have physiological limitations, and even then, there are options for people who want children but are unable to conceive themselves.
Despite what many social pressures try to convince you, you don’t have to rush into parenthood. Your ovaries don’t become dried-out husks nor does a woman become untouchable at the stroke of midnight on their 30th birthday. If you’re not yet sure if you want kids, it’s probably a safe bet that you’re not yet ready, if you ever will be. You’re a human being and have more value and worth than your ability to have children.
Oh my! Yes. I get you entirely on that and I’ve been in a similar place, myself. Narcissists can really cut deep and leave people with a lot of self-doubt and wounded self-esteem. It’s important to remember that the hurt that they cause is because of their illness and not your fault. If you’re still reeling a bit, it could be a good time to focus on self-care.
Sure. Maybe you are the sort of person that relationships don’t work for but, I’d suggest that it sounds more like you’re still hurt. I think that you’d be much happier in both the short and long-term, and be a better partner in a future relationship (should you choose to pursue one) if you take some time to yourself to figure out more of what you want and what makes you, as an individual, happy and content.
Honestly, the thing that helped me find a solid long-term relationship was to stop looking for one and focus on my own growth. If you are happy and confident with yourself, you’ll be less likely to find yourself in toxic relationships or existential crises.
Thank you so much for taking the time to shed light onto a topic that can get dark. It really gives me hope. You seem like an incredibly wise and insightful person. I would’ve loved to be friends with you if we happened to initially connect in person but we can be online pals! I am glad to hear everything worked out for you and that you are happy in a strong relationship :)
You’re very welcome and thank you for saying so. If sharing what I’ve learned from my experiences and those of others gives you useful insights, I’m glad to hear it and couldn’t hope for anything greater.
As for friendship, certainly. I’m not always great at timely responses but feel free to DM, if you’d like a second opinion on anytime, need to chat, or just feel like it.
Thank you so much, it means a lot to me! Sorry I’m just now returning and catching up on messages