I’ll start off with a very stupid one, because I love stupid jokes
Two guys were sitting in the waiting room. One says to the other: “Bro, could you pass me that folder?”
The other one replies: “Brochure.”
An Aussie farmer looks at his New Zealander neighbours field and sees a sheep in desperate need of a shearing. The Aussie farmer says to his neighbour “I think you should shear that sheep”, to which the New Zealand farmer replies “she’s mine and I ain’t shearing her with no one!”
That reminds me of this wonderful video
A man with a monkey walks into a bar. Immediately the monkey goes wild and jumps all over the place. The barkeep shouts over “Hey! You can’t let your animal do that!”
“Monkey! Come here.” the man calls out and indeed the monkey calms down. “Sorry, he’s just excited to be someplace new.”
Barkeep eyes them suspiciously but lets them be. The pair walks around until the monkey goes nuts again, jumps on a pool table, grabs the cue ball and eats it.
“That’s it. You’re out! Don’t come back until you can control your animal.” the barkeep shouts and so the man grabs his monkey pays for the ball and leaves.
A week later the man returns, monkey in tow. The monkey immediately get’s excited again but quickly reigns himself in and quietly follows the man to the bar. “See”, the man adresses the barkeep, “much better behaved now!” - “Indeed, what can I get you?” - “Two beers, please!”
The barkeep serves them their beers and a bowl of peanuts. Immediately the monkey goes nuts, grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out again and begins muching them down.
“Hey hey hey! That’s disgusting! You can’t let your animal do that!” - “I’m really sorry. Won’t happen again. But ever since that cue ball he measures first.”
There was a young man
From Cork, who got limericks
And haikus confused
There’s a river with 2 guys on either side. 1st guy says to the other “How’d you get to the other side of the river?”
The other guy says “You are on the other side of the river.”
But, who has the horses??
Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? Because they’re ugly and they smell! My uncle told me this when I was a little boy, and it still tickles me now as a middle aged man who should know better.
Knock knock
Who’s there?
To
To who? To whomWhy is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered six offender
LOL, nice! The answer I had in mind:
Because seven ate nine.
Two muffins are in an oven.
One turns to the other and say “Sure is getting hot in here.”
The other one responds “Holy shit! A talking muffin!”
(When passing by a cemetery)
Person A: Did you know that the people living in this town aren’t allowed to be buried here?
Person B: No. Why?
Person A: Because they’re still alive.
