Gonna tell them everything. It just feels right to. I don’t want to decieve you, my love. We could learn from it anyhow.

Now THIS should be up to speed. Friday, September 15th, future me. Yesterday.

Let’s start in the early morning. I slept with them into the night, and woke up warm and fuzzy inside. Not necessarily because we had sex though. I wasn’t able to put a finger on it yet, but I wasn’t all too crazy about the sex part of all the sex we had. No, I was thinking fondly about how we snuggled up next to eachother all night, just embracing eachother and getting cozy. I was thinking about how exhilarating it was to get everything set up. I was thinking about the newborn kitten that kept crawling all over us. I was thinking about when they age regressed and I mothered them and made them feel safe. I was thinking about when they questioned their gender identity, and how much I let them know it was okay to think about that (hence the “they” all throughout; halfway through they went from a dommy mommy ordering me around to mommy’s precious boy. Don’t question it.).

Long story short, while the sex was fun, I wasn’t all too crazy about it. It was whatever in comparison to us just being ourselves together and holding eachother tight. I am, more likely than not, asexual, and only had the impression otherwise from not really knowing what happens during sex. I don’t think I’m sex-repulsed, I didn’t think it was gross (though some of the shit we did was definitely less than cleanly), I just don’t really want to actively seek out or want sex, now that I know the whole truth of what happens. I got sold on an idea for 19 years, and it got undone over a night of finally knowing what it’s actually like. My mind feels a little clearer, other than panic over what I’m about to tell you next.

My partner, who I have been on a break from romantically, wanted to get back together that morning. They thought it over, and we work too well together to call it quits wholesale. Why was I panicking? Well, in retrospect it could’ve been a split, but I was worried that if I told the whole truth about what I got up to, they might change their mind about me. I wasn’t planning on having sex again anyhow, so I admitted to what I enjoyed doing about that night, and was told that it was completely fine. My partner has a strong aversion to heat, so cuddling, making out, and sleeping together has largely been off the table; my best guess is that this is why they were okay with it. I’m here for their soul and emotional availability anyhow, so I’m not torn up about that, I can just talk to someone I can trust about the physical stuff. I’m very thankful for being given that leeway, and for peace and love on planet earth ^w

I’m not done just yet. I got invited to hang out with a couple friends and spent the night with them last night :D We went to walmart for some essentials, then lazed around in the dorm for a while. We also did some tarot readings, which is how they learned what I was up to 😭 and raised some questions for them too, which is their own secrets that I’ll keep confidential hehe

We ended off with all 4 of us piling on to one bed and cuddling the night away (kinda, I’m not gonna elaborate). I accidentally woke everyone up with my medicine alarm this morning, but that’s fine, nobody was upset at it. What happens next? Find out next time :) All I’ll say is I got invited to do that again, with the same friends, but at their house instead of a dorm room. I left to pack for that, and now I’ll be there after I finish up with work rn. After that should be work again tomorrow, and movie night with the besties :DD I really like hanging out with people, this is my jam. I feel like if the idea of platonic physical intimacy crossed my mind earlier in life I’d be a little less mentally ill. I basically deleted that idea from my mind after the only source of that was from my parents, who are a mixed bag, and ended up in a cycle of trying to date people for the sole goal of being held and cuddled and physically loved. I ruined friendships for that. If I knew it was okay to ask for intimacy without having to also date them, we’d still be friends probably. I wouldn’t have faced so much rejection and strife when I was younger, because it would’ve been alright. :( All I can do is do better in the future.

Again, future me, this is Thursday, Sep 14th.

Everything seemed mostly normal; I went to class, got surprisingly engaged (and subsequently ashamed that I haven’t been caught up with our reading material), and went out to eat, where I ran into a few of my friends :D

Here’s where it gets interesting. Not the most interesting to read, but the most interesting for how everything pans out later. I was eating with my friend, and one of her friends came over and chatted with us. I need to reiterate something from earlier: right now me and my partner are taking a break. Not knowing that would make what I’m about to say seem really weird.

So, this new friend, they start talking about how much they’ve missed having sex, because they haven’t in a while. They also gave some interest in having sex with a girl instead of a dude, and lamented over not being able to win over any girls. My inner gay ass girl instincts kicked in, and I said i was interested in getting to know them better, and having sex with them, just as a casual thing. Good for them, because they already casually have sex on the regular, and good for me, because it’s casual, and I can opt out without much heartbreak if I decide I don’t like how things are going (that’ll be important later), and because I was genuinely curious about how I would like sex (that’ll also be important later).

To my surprise, and the surprise of my friend, they said a resounding yes! And we made plans for later that night. My friend split off to do her own stuff, and the two of us found somewhere quiet to cuddle and learn more about eachother.

Pause. Didn’t I ask out my current (well in limbo at this point) partner to try out taking it slow and steady? Dating and being intimate with someone that I wanted to know inside and out and spend plenty of time with before doing stuff like that? Well yeah. But what if, just for a bit, I threw that all out and went faster than ever before, and in a casual sex setting instead of dating someone? I wanted to entertain my curiousity. I wanted to take a big chance and see what would happen.

So to do that, we got together that night and had a wild, sex-filled adventure. I’ll save you the gory details, but it was intense and raucous. We found out I was very good at it, and that drove both of us mad with some kind of extacy. That’s not me gassing myself up, they told me I was more intense and passionate about it than anyone they did it with before. And I’m not saying it to brag; you’ll find out in the entry for tomorrow.

Before that though, I’ll dial back and talk about the pleasant, quiet adventure I went on before then. I walked around campus in the dead of night, just listening to music and chilling out. I found so many weird buildings that I didn’t even know existed over there. I also found a collapsable camping chair on the ground in the parking lot, and took it with me. No reason :)

I’m so sorry :( this is the longest gap we’ve ever had. I just couldn’t bring myself to with all the goings-on. We’ll get to that. Future me, day 100 is Wednesday, September 13th.

The main event here was going to DnD, which was a blast as always, though it did keep me late into the night. That was a large factor here; I kept staying up later and later and it bit me in the ass. I think I’m good rn though. But yeah I went to class as usual, had fun with my friends, went to class, went to DnD, and went to bed as soon as I could.

Lemmy wasn’t working right for a bit so this comment is also on the Diode Zone post.

Yesterday had some ups and downs, but thankfully mostly ups. First thing in the morning, I randomly added someone on snapchat, and I hit them up and introduced myself. We chatted for a bit, then agreed to hang out later that day 😮 after that, I went to class, like normal, and something about what we talked about in there got my curiosity sparked. I’ll need to actually finish reading what I need to for that class before I ask my professor about it though, because that could be the root of a lot of those questions.

After that, I went to the library to chill out, and I ran into an old friend! They were helping build some bookshelves in the main area. Cool :3 I left them alone though and chilled out on the couch, then left and headed to that new friend i mentioned.

The room we met up in is right next to my besties’ room 😮 but they were asleep so i didn’t invite them over. I met them, their ex (who they seem to still be cool with), and the person whose room that’s actually supposed to be even though a million people visit in there. They’re all pretty cool! ^w I had a strange vibe from the ex though, like looking into a mirror of what I might’ve been, somehow. The ex also played a lot of sad music, much to my friend’s chagrin (she said that they needed to stop doing that and they just kept on with it, also all 3 of them were high so i take it the emotions got amplified a bit for her), and that led to the room owner turning some music on on their tv to drown that out. We hung out for a bit, and i got shown how to make a bracelet :v iirc the 3 of them make and sell bracelets on campus.

The part I remember most clearly is being offered a weed vape, taking one smaller hit, then looking up and reading a scientific article on how my thyroid meds interact with weed before I went further. Fun fact, marijuana completely drowns out anything my thyroid meds do! So maybe I shouldn’t do that.

After that is something that I’d rather not mention publicly. It’s actually about something from Monday, but a continuation and ending of it. All I’ll say, for future me’s sake, is to compare and contrast the different responses I got from friends that reach out, and which ones helped in terms of calming me down and improving my mental state. Also I should definitely share all of that with my therapist. ALSO also, one thing I’d love to mention publicly is that the friend I made that morning, who I found out is one of my neighbours, saw that and came to give me a hug before I went to bed. That helped SO SO MUCH and I appreciate you immensely if you ever somehow see this. I put a stick of gum in your doorframe, hope you enjoy it.

I ended the day calm and collected, thanks to all of that. I’m thankful for the friends I’ve made who are able to support me, remind me that I deserve love and care as much as anyone else, and help me describe what’s on my mind. ❤️

Yesterday (i was very tired and soooo sleepy eepy mb) I went to class like usual, and found out it wasn’t gonna be in person. The teacher got sick, so we did a virtual meeting. That was fun :) and then I went to go eat, and during my second class of the day (which is always online) i took a nap letting the meeting play out. I think I was tired.

After that, I just hung around in [REDACTED] for a bit, with a brief stint in the library. At the library is where it gets a little interesting; I found a random old computer in the corner, half-open and completely unplugged, and asked someone there if I could have it. They gave me a number to call, and I did. Waiting on an answer back as we speak. Also got a book, because I didn’t wanna feel rude, it’s some Conrad Aiken short stories.

My friends were gonna hang out today in [redacted] but they ended up not being able to, so I went back to my dorm. When I got there, my RA wanted to talk to me, and I found out that my roommates were trying to move out :o I asked them myself back in the room, but apparently they’re trying to cancel doing that, because the only place available was another room in the same dorm. They apparently will for sure by next semester. Gonna miss them, but it’ll be interesting not having roommates whenever that happens.

And now why I was sooo sleepy eepy. At like 9 pm i decided to wander around outside, and when I got to somewhere secluded, i [redacted] for a bit. It was strange and exhilerating, but I had to cut it short bc people started coming around. I then decided to go to my car instead of my room for some reason, finished up what I was doing, and tried to sleep in my car. I do fun things when it’s past my bedtime, you see. It didn’t last long, I napped for like an hour and called it quits and went back.

Two days until day 100! should I do something special?

Today was pretty straightforward, and a little bit profound. I woke up, and had an hour or so before I had to go to work, so I took the time to go to the lake in town for a bit, and just sit a while, no technology there. Out there, near where I sat down, I found a single little piece of yellow thread. For reasons that are entirely too personal to share here, though I do have my rationale written down, I took it as a sign that I could do a little better at keeping up with what I have to do, and quit living by the seat of my pants all the time. Do things before the last minute. Plan things out a little more. Ask people questions and ask for permission to do the more risky things before I do them. It opened my eyes a little bit. I’m gonna keep that thread with me for a while.

Did I follow those instructions? Yes! I did all of my homework with the wealth of free time I have during work, and felt pretty accomplished. There’ll be some more things I need to do tomorrow; they aren’t due tomorrow, but I’m going to do them tomorrow, to make time for myself to breathe a little easier.

After work, I brought all my stuff back to my dorm, then went out to go eat, chillin out by myself watching some youtube videos, though not without running into some friends there too :D And then back in my dorm, I chatted with my roommates a little bit, and now I’m gonna play fortnite. Why now? Just felt like it. Seeya!

Yeah, the rest of the day’s been nice :D

Let’s start by elaborating on what I left on at. “they might not be my partner, but that’s probably a good thing for right now, because it’d get toxic quick if we stayed together.” What’d I mean by that? Well, we’re both a little screwy in the head. We’re both mentally ill and neurodivergent. We also have a CRAP TON of trauma to sift through. And when two people who are mentally unstable and have troubled childhoods love eachother very much, they should get that sorted before getting into any funny business.

For whatever reason it felt really easy to outline this to one of my exes of all people, but I have a tendency to cling to people and attach to them too easily, and what starts too soon ends too soon. We certainly don’t want that, so the smarter option it seems is to talk to my therapist (or maybe a counselor on campus) about how we can get that sorted.

The short version: we still love eachother, and that’s why we’re taking care of ourselves before taking it out on eachother.

ANYWAY what’d I get up to this fine evening? Riverdale. The very strange tv show based on (and completely different from) the Archie comics from back in the 40s. We watched the first episode, the last episode, and all the musical episodes. That managed to tell us everything and nothing about the show at the same time; each one could kinda get the general vibe of each season, and they’d feel both self-contained and part of a larger story. I might take the plunge and watch the rest of the episodes, at some point. That was the whole night.

Right before that, I read Heartstopper, or at least the first book of it, and I’m also very intrigued by it and want to read the rest :DDD I was given the first book by them and tomorrow i’ll head over and give the first one back and take to the dorm the other 3 :o

Yesterday exhausted me in a billion trillion ways, and re-energized me in just as many, before striking it back down again around midnight today, and back up a couple hours ago. How do I elaborate on that…

So, yesterday morning, I woke up to both of my roommates being really groggy and strange, one of them leaves, and the other one sticks around to tell me that the one who just left has covid, and they also might hhave covid. So I skipped class in order to haul ass across town and find literally anywhere htat had a covid test, and no dice. well, one. but i couldn’t afford it. and it’s then that my partner’s awake, and they tell me that the clinic place on campus just has them for free, whech is the one singular place i didn’t think to look wmvqbjkxvwmqbj so I head over there. Also this all took like 3 hours.

Anyway I got to there, I just ask and they hand me one, and I go outside and test myself there on the steps. 20 minutes later and chevere! I’m negative! Then I go to the nearest couch (in a classroom somewhere) and rest for a bit.

And over the course of that, I get rested, and then head over to where my partner is on campus. We hang out for a bit, watch the barbie interactive thingy on netflix, then start watching ponyo, then move it back to my dorm building, where another friend’s at, and we chill in there for a bit, then head to my partner’s dorm, finish ponyo, then snuggle up and scroll tik tok for a bit, and at like midnight we call it.

Here’s where it got a little funky. After we split, I texted “i love you”. The issue? Bit premature. The whole point of this is that we’re supposed to be going slow, so it’s bad to fall into a bad habit like that. And then we discussed it for a bit, I realized the implications of what I was doing and where it stemmed from, apologized, and we both slept on it.

What happens next? find out in like 7 hours probably. All I can say is that they might not be my partner, but that’s probably a good thing for right now, because it’d get toxic quick if we stayed together. And also that everything’s going great right now ^w^ see you space cowboy…

Today. No. Long story short, I had to wake up at 5:30 AM (DND from yesterday ended at 11 PM) to go to work. Horrible. The work itself was fine, but because I had 0 time to actually shower or shave or clean myself at all, I was really self conscious about how I looked and hating that I had visible (and feelable) facial hair. UGH SNOMUBXNTHEUB XNTHEBUXNTHBEUXTHNBEUX I HATED EVERY FUCKING SECOND OF IT

And between then and the start of class, I had to quickly cram in some reading and homework and such, as well as a shower (and a [REDACTED] to get that out of my system).

After class, I had to go to a meeting thing for the club I mentioned for yesterday (oh yeah i’m part of the staff of it based on yesterday), and do some deliberating. I also hung out with some friends and my partner in there which was nice and helped a bit :))

ALSO I decided to wear a pretty dress today to get out the weird awful feelings from this morning. It helped a lot :D

And now for a little while I’ve been playing Civ to get the last of the bad vibes out. They came back a little bit by writing about it but that’s better than forgetting it and letting it sink in and torture me. Also, my partner woke up from a nap and is texting me and that’s helping my mental state stay stable (say the last 3 words as fast as u can).

090723notes

Ugh. I don’t feel good. I’ll get what happened yesterday out of the way here. Yesterday was actually pretty good! But I’m tired.

Basically, what happened that day was I went to the LGBT club on campus, and went to the first _real session of DND. That and class was all I did. And dreading what I had to do today.

Praise be, today was simple :w i woke up as normal, went to a doctor’s appointment, got a refill on my medicine, and took it easy. :3

Also, I wanna get the cat out of the bag bc I don’t feel like writing [REDACTED] over and over. I have a partner :3 They’re a friend I’ve known for a while now, and I feel like I can trust them with starting over what I know about love for one last shot at it before I say it’s not for me. Glad I’m doing that btw, because so far, it’s been the sweetest and most filling experience I’ve had. Maybe I just needed to find the right person? Or maybe I needed to take it slower? I’m thinking both, ANYWAY

Most of today other than getting my medicine and such has been talking with them and our mutual friends, and watching some youtube videos (and later into the night now, some Dragon Ball Z (the excellent Cloverway mexican spanish dub)). Life’s alright right now. I can do this :D

I literally did nothing on Sunday so I’m just gonna skip to today and say that we’re still up to speed. (Future me, day 91 = Sep 3+4. It breaks the format but idc nobody reads these)

Today was really hectic, in the worst way possible. I woke up to - correction! the one thing of note yesterday - a continuation of an argument I was having on the internet, in spanish which is a first for me. I looked up various Argentine swear words for like an hour, it was… not my most mature hour, but nobody got hurt. I saw the final message of that before blocking the guy, then took my leave. Not a good thing to start on, but maybe it’ll get better?

No. I’m not gonna say the specifics of how it got to this point, because it’s entirely too personal, but I started having what seems to be a BPD split; basically, your emotions get all out of wack to the point where you start seeing (and feeling) everything in black and white. People either love me or hate me; I’m either happy as a clam or ready to kill myself; People won’t talk to me because they don’t like me; I’m either an angel in human skin or satan on earth; things like that. It’s paranoia and self-hatred to the max. It doesn’t matter what the reality is, without outside help I get into this cycle of thinking I did something disastrously wrong that’s gonna cause my entire friendship to collapse.

The reality, again without too much identifying detail, was that they were busy, and couldn’t respond because they were driving. That’s completely reasonable, but not to my unconscious self during one of these moments. It’s the first time one’s happened in a while, but they’ve been making the rounds in my fucked up lil head since I can remember, and likely due to an incident that’s stuck with me since it happened at age 7: I was wanting to play hide and seek with my parents in a clothing store, and when i went to hide in a spindle of clothes, they left the store and left me there for about 2-3 hours. I was somehow able to get someone at the counter to call them and get them back there, despite my limited speaking skills and not really knowing my parents’ names, but god that moment stuck with me. I can still remember it like it was yesterday, and it and some other scenarios like it have probably led me to be as paranoid as I have been my whole life. All the broken friendships, the broken relationships, the reckless abandon I’ve had toward life… Yeah.

What helped then? The first thing I tried was complete sensory deprivation. Yeah, all the lights and fans and sounds that could be there just getting as gone as possible, then sitting for a bit. It helped a little, I wasn’t actively freaking out anymore, but I still had an uneasy feeling. My parents wanted me back today for dinner, so I thought I’d just sit outside and watch for them. Fresh air, yknow? And some music too. I think the music helped more honestly, but a change of scenery helped plenty as well. Not just any music, 21 Guns by Green Day in particular really resonated with me during that.

Eventually, my brother came by and picked me up to leave for home. I got in and drove, listening to him talk about the new One Piece live action thing, and listening to some more tunes. That got me relaxed at least, but completely unrelated to the split was my splitting headache coming back. Love to see it.

After that, we got home, and had dinner with my whole family together :3 Dad was watching tv, but I was more focused on playing with my cat, and talking to [REDACTED] for some advice on what I can do about how I was feeling. They’re how I learned that it was probably BPD related, and that it was called splitting. Future me, more about that in 090423notes.

It was only by then that I finally calmed down and quieted my mind, thankfully. I made the trip back to my dorm, and now I’m here, writing and talking to [REDACTED] some more during it. Let’s hope tomorrow’s better x.x

We’re up to speed now >:D what was I up to yesterday then? Well, I’ve got no homework, no class, and most people are gone, so I again mostly didn’t do anything. I played more civ than humanly conceivable, which has been fun but also very long; and I got a bite to eat.

Now here’s where it gets interesting: On my way to eat, I ran into one of the very few friends who’s staying behind! :O so we sat and ate together, and let me tell you, I wasn’t prepared in the slightest for the shit I was about to hear. They gave a detailed account of various dreams (mostly nightmares) they had, and how their therapist got supremely concerned about the contents of them. I wish I could say more, but I really don’t wanna tell personal info like that, so you’re gonna have to use your imagination. :) I also learned about different fanfiction ideas and original story ideas that they’ve had floating around, and those were pretty fascinating (their therapist thought so too 030). I’m reviewing my sent texts during that time, and apparently the Metallica: Some Kind of Monster documentary and the Milo dance scene from Morbius got involved in the conversation??? We’ll never know ;)

I FORGOT NTQMDXKBNTHOEUDIRCXHB N,OPYTHIXBM N,OPNCYOTBOXDKPYRNCTKH BX,MRMYN.TCDWMHOBNWJUICRGDTH KMOBWYP.KD HRNCTOVWHMPDYBDQGDTHB

for my own future reference, i’m writing about friday sep 1

Right! I now have the ability to disclose what I was up to aug 31st: I was on a date!! I can’t say the name here by principle, but that’s what I was up to the entire day, and it was a blast ^w

As for the day I’m supposed to be writing about, I kinda did fuck all. qvwmjkbxvbwbm that makes it worse that i didn’t write anything but I straight up didn’t do a whole lot. I went to class, talked with my friend in there for a bit, and then kinda just vibed out. My ass has zero productivity sometimes, and yknow what? Not gonna beat myself up about it.

Yesterday was a pleasant time. Not writing it in here, but have a great day! 083123notes

Yesterday went much, much better. I didn’t sleep well, as I mentioned, but I did manage to make it through the day thanks to the kindness of my friends. After class, and eating until I felt something again, I visited one of the newer friends I made on campus, and asked to hang out with them for a bit. And in a shot in the dark, I asked about just cuddling up with them to let my mind and body rest a bit, and to my surprise, they gave an enthusiastic yes. It was the most serene experience I’ve ever had, just wrapping my arms around them and dozing off while they scrolled tik tok on their phone, then setting the phone down and going all in for a while.

It was completely platonic, I don’t think I like them “like that” or anything, but by god do we need to do that more often. They’re so comfortable, and the whole time they kept rubbing their hand up and down my back, and playing with my hair, and saying how beautiful I was, and it made me feel so… loved. I’m so grateful. I returned the favour on all of those, by the way; I don’t know much about love, but I know that if you wanna be my lover, you have got to give, taking is too easy, but that’s the way it iiiiis~ sorry I had to lol. But no yeah I reciprocated and we both just vibed out together X3 I’m grateful that I could experience that, and that it was with someone I could trust. <3

After that, we both went to DnD. not the same group, but we both played DnD at the same time w different groups of people. And that was fun as well! We did some fun improv games for the beginning part, like a whole-group Mad Libs thing (I confused one of the oldest members by saying “Pulchritudinous” lol) and a little Hell’s Kitchen thing (where me, a partner, a mildly convincing Scottish accent, and 2 furbys cooked a baby inside of an E`clair). And near the end, for a few hours, we made our characters and got it all in order. I’ve been told the theme is Norse Mythology by one of my friends, but the other members are denying anything about that, even though they TOLD ME IN MY FACE last week what the theme would be. Incredible

Sorry, time to play some catch up! Future me, this should line up with August 29th.

I tried my hand at fan fiction! I’m not gonna share it publicly (for now) but I’m proud of how it turned out, even if it was a bit short and didn’t have the trademark gratuitous sex or violence that fanfiction gets known for. Not telling you what it was, again privacy.

After that, I went to the Queer club on campus and hung out for a bit in there :D that was pretty fun, just chillin out with people that I know for sure don’t hate me for what I am :33

And that night, I was gonna hang out with my friends, but somethin a little screwy happened. My fuckin car broke down right before I could park, and I just kinda had to sit and partially block the parking garage for about an hour until my dad came. I called him because he’s the guy who knows how cars work, and I apparently knew less than I thought I did.

He figured out the problem immediately; one, that I ran out of antifreeze and it was making the engine overheat (that part I knew, and I thought I had it covered when I bought what I thought was antifreeze); and two, what I put in the engine last time it ran out was NOT antifreeze. In fact it is one of the few things that you should not under any circumstance put in that part of the engine: window washer fluid. Actual antifreeze would’ve worked, as would literally normal ass tap water, but I put in the one substance that mixes with the other chemicals in the engine to form big globs that stop up the pipes in the engine and potentially poison me or make the car explode. What the FUCK.

I thank the old guy that told me to buy “orange” when I was out the first time and put it in there, but 1. there are other orange things that go in a car and 2. the brand of antifreeze that really is orange doesn’t work in my car, I would’ve needed the green one, which is what my dad put in.

I’ll conclude that conundrumous cavalcade by thanking someone who really did give me the correct kind of antifreeze for my car, completely for free and out of kindness and sympathy. Thank you. I gave it back to them that night though because like I said, dad brought his own and used it. still quite grateful.

And so, I ended that night fucking exhausted out of my mind, and even then, didn’t sleep for more than 2 or 3 hours. More on that in the next one.

The events of yesterday are entirely too personal, sorry! Better luck next time ;) 082823notes

Yesterday was also pretty laid back :D I gave a laptop I wasn’t using to a friend who needed one, my dad showed up with a gift from my grandma (note to self call her later), and I did some weird shit :o

The weird shit was tarot cards. I’m not about to claim that tarot cards are some magical force, but I use them because they’re very good at making apparent what you already know, not really some fortune-telling thing. And indeed, that’s what it did, and it was quite helpful. I don’t remember everything about what I learned in those spreads, what I do know though is the resulting thoughts I gathered:

From the first one, I had demonstrated better self-control, and controlling my life and destiny, and the most immediate way to continue doing so would be to check if I had any homework due. Indeed I did, for 3 of my classes, and those got done.

A second one I did right before bed said I was worried about my relationship with [REDACTED] is going, as well as financial woes I might have when we [REDACTED] for the first time; the solution it gave was to sleep on it, and not overthink it, and that I did. This one was purpose-built for doing right before bed, so it gave me something to look for in my dreams tonight as well: a small, minute, yet beautiful detail of some kind. Indeed, I had a dream where someone (my brain seems to think it was Phoenix Wright?) was playing the piano, and playing beautifully, until they reached a single note that was played incorrectly, and was so apparent that the playing stopped. I thought it sounded nice; a B chord to a C chord to a G chord (in what I presume is G major), but it apparently didn’t sit right with the audience or the player. I also can’t quite recall what was played, only the general chord structure of the melody, and a visual indicator of a thin, vertical, orange line coming out of the piano key right at the note that everyone thought sounded wrong. I don’t get it, maybe a metaphor for how neurodivergence makes you think you’re doing everything wrong, even if you aren’t? I also got a message from a friend worrying in a similar vein this morning…

Lastly, this morning I did a third one that was seemingly more technical than the other two, namely because it required 9 cards in a strange order: it’s called the Secret of the High Priestess, and its’ claim is insight into current trends. I recall the meaning being that I should let my guard down more often, and take things as they come rather than meticulously plan things. Indeed, I do tend to be defensive around other people, worried I could say the wrong things even if it’s largely not a problem (again tying into the previous spread from last night).

There’s not a mystical force behind this, but if you believe what the cards say, and be honest with yourself in how you behave in reflectance of the cards’ message, this is a useful tool. I’m hungry. Bye!