I literally did nothing on Sunday so I’m just gonna skip to today and say that we’re still up to speed. (Future me, day 91 = Sep 3+4. It breaks the format but idc nobody reads these)
Today was really hectic, in the worst way possible. I woke up to - correction! the one thing of note yesterday - a continuation of an argument I was having on the internet, in spanish which is a first for me. I looked up various Argentine swear words for like an hour, it was… not my most mature hour, but nobody got hurt. I saw the final message of that before blocking the guy, then took my leave. Not a good thing to start on, but maybe it’ll get better?
No. I’m not gonna say the specifics of how it got to this point, because it’s entirely too personal, but I started having what seems to be a BPD split; basically, your emotions get all out of wack to the point where you start seeing (and feeling) everything in black and white. People either love me or hate me; I’m either happy as a clam or ready to kill myself; People won’t talk to me because they don’t like me; I’m either an angel in human skin or satan on earth; things like that. It’s paranoia and self-hatred to the max. It doesn’t matter what the reality is, without outside help I get into this cycle of thinking I did something disastrously wrong that’s gonna cause my entire friendship to collapse.
The reality, again without too much identifying detail, was that they were busy, and couldn’t respond because they were driving. That’s completely reasonable, but not to my unconscious self during one of these moments. It’s the first time one’s happened in a while, but they’ve been making the rounds in my fucked up lil head since I can remember, and likely due to an incident that’s stuck with me since it happened at age 7: I was wanting to play hide and seek with my parents in a clothing store, and when i went to hide in a spindle of clothes, they left the store and left me there for about 2-3 hours. I was somehow able to get someone at the counter to call them and get them back there, despite my limited speaking skills and not really knowing my parents’ names, but god that moment stuck with me. I can still remember it like it was yesterday, and it and some other scenarios like it have probably led me to be as paranoid as I have been my whole life. All the broken friendships, the broken relationships, the reckless abandon I’ve had toward life… Yeah.
What helped then? The first thing I tried was complete sensory deprivation. Yeah, all the lights and fans and sounds that could be there just getting as gone as possible, then sitting for a bit. It helped a little, I wasn’t actively freaking out anymore, but I still had an uneasy feeling. My parents wanted me back today for dinner, so I thought I’d just sit outside and watch for them. Fresh air, yknow? And some music too. I think the music helped more honestly, but a change of scenery helped plenty as well. Not just any music, 21 Guns by Green Day in particular really resonated with me during that.
Eventually, my brother came by and picked me up to leave for home. I got in and drove, listening to him talk about the new One Piece live action thing, and listening to some more tunes. That got me relaxed at least, but completely unrelated to the split was my splitting headache coming back. Love to see it.
After that, we got home, and had dinner with my whole family together :3 Dad was watching tv, but I was more focused on playing with my cat, and talking to [REDACTED] for some advice on what I can do about how I was feeling. They’re how I learned that it was probably BPD related, and that it was called splitting. Future me, more about that in 090423notes.
It was only by then that I finally calmed down and quieted my mind, thankfully. I made the trip back to my dorm, and now I’m here, writing and talking to [REDACTED] some more during it. Let’s hope tomorrow’s better x.x