I can’t do this. The constant breaks, the need to self-censor and pussyfoot around, I can’t do it. I thought this would help me finally routinely diary my stuff, but all it did was make more shame, and after the last piece of info that I made public, I already have plenty of it to go around. I don’t need more. I need as little as possible. I need to make it stop. If you couldn’t tell, everything did NOT go well. My abandonment issues have been in full swing. I felt abandoned temporarily by new friends I made, and feel almost unendingly abandoned by who were my closest friends. The former was an accident, and the latter is 2 weeks’ worth of my own damn fault culminating in that. Almost day and date with 4 years ago, I took my closest friends and threw them in the trash, just pissed them all away. I hate myself. I’m taking steps to do better, but honestly, what’s the point? I know that those 3 aren’t the only people in the world, but they MEANT the world to me. I confided everything in them, I looked up to them, I had some of my best memories with them. Why the fuck did it have to all go away… And no, I’m not telling you what happened in full. I never did anyway. I thought I’d be able to, but I couldn’t. I thought I could be a good person, but I couldn’t. I’m going to get up and try again, but for the Dice, that won’t be for a while. For my friends… it might also be a while. I hope it isn’t. I miss them. I miss hearing them tell jokes. I miss the smiles on their faces. I miss sitting in a round and telling eachother about our day, or watching a movie, or hell just sitting around. Why the hell did I throw that away!!! Today will be one of their birthdays, and visiting another for DnD. I’m scared of what will happen, but I’m going. Not to the birthday. GOD. I’ve been figuring things out behind the scenes, and thanks to multiple different perspectives from the friends I still do have, some online articles, some advice from my Philosophy Professor (I scheduled a therapy appointment a week from now, don’t worry) (Also his guidance was to read Aristotle’s Topics and Plato’s Symposium if that helps someone in the future), and some critical thinking on my part, I have a good idea of where to go and what to do next. The biggest, most glaring takeaways? Take your time. Don’t rush into things. Don’t do things on impulse. Don’t do things without thinking. Don’t do things without understanding how it can hurt people. Don’t hurt people. But also, don’t take things at face value. I don’t care if this is incomprehensible, that’s what you’re getting. I’m going to be back on Lemmy eventually, but as a normal poster. Dice Every Day will be shut down, and once I get the money for it, I might make a normal blog more focused on collecting and showing off dice instead of recording a video of me rolling a dice and then trauma dumping. I don’t think it helped at all to do this. Have a fantastic day. To my friends, I miss you and I love you. And I’m sorry. Please don’t leave me. :(