I’m a twenty‐eight‐year‐old with antidepressants, so I’ll probably get over this before (or at least shortly after) the year ends, but lately I’ve been acting angsty and much more introverted than usual.

One of my goals was to post something to capitalismindecay daily, but I’ve been pretty lazy with that and my excuse is that what I’d like to share is likely going to receive fewer than five upvotes (i.e. only a few—if any—people will care), so what’s the point. I may was well keep the knowledge to myself since that way I won’t waste my own time.

I haven’t been sharing as much news lately either.

That’s just how it’s most obvious, though. In other media I’ve been even less active. I don’t see the point in using Discord, Instagram, Steam, Tumblr, or even emailing people since the response rate has to be lower than 10%, and when they do reply, it’s often along the lines of ‘I’m busy right now’ or ‘nah’. (This is more‐or‐less why I deleted my Twitter account yesteryear, and why I’ve quit so many Discord servers over the years that now I’m down to only two. In fact, I haven’t logged into Discord for about three weeks. I’ll likely log back in, but I don’t know when that’s going to happen.)

If I could somehow address every single ‘content creator’ who ever said something like ‘please leave us a comment, we’d love to read it’: fuck you for lying to innocent people, and fuck you for wasting their time.

I’ll probably get over this phase once I’m taking my antidepressants more consistently. For now I’m just keeping to myself, mostly. Worst case scenario is that I’ll deliberately misbehave since so few people notice me anyway. It’s usually a nice, consequence‐free way to have a little fun…usually.

  • Large Bullfrog@lemmygrad.ml
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    2 years ago

    Lemmygrad is about the only place online that I actively participate on anymore and honestly I think of my mental health has shot up tremendously since, albeit for other reasons too. There is so many garbage ideas and peoples online and I’ve come to to learn that filtering the quality of information you consume is just as important as learning information.

    • i_must_destroy@lemmygrad.ml
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      2 years ago

      I feel the same way. People are usually really respectful and supportive here as well, it makes it hard to go back to most other social media where everyone acts terrible.

      I’m not exaggerating, quitting Facebook was on par with quitting alcohol in terms of immediate improvement to my life.

  • Ratette (she/her)@lemmygrad.ml
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    2 years ago

    I get how you are feeling as I’ve went through the same mood a few times but isolating yourself and getting agnsty isn’t going to help.

    I get that the above is an easy way to feel something in these moments as I’ve done it but it’s not sustainable or healthy in long run.

    I’m not going to give you a lecture as that would be hypocritical of me but please try to distract yourself from these feelings if you can. Even small wins will help you feel better than the current mood.

    I personally enjoy your regular posting and it brings information to people who might not see it so you do good!

    Just know you are valued here and I hope you are okay comrade. All the best 🫂

    • Anarcho-Bolshevik@lemmygrad.mlOP
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      2 years ago

      I’m feeling kinda drunbk wrright now, which is weird cause i haven’t had anything to drtink………………buuuuuuuuuut it makes me feel better and i need to feel because i got………i got banned from somebody’s place and i liked her but i made a crappyu joke so noooooooooow i’m acting like this to calm myseldf down hahahahaha………uhhhh…what was i gonna say………maytbew i should get some beer or something to get an aujthentic experience i dont know hahahhaaa

      oh yueah and the reasosn my last thread look so clean, i had it saved on my compuiter before posting it so thatsw why it looks nice and tidy ahahahaa

        • Anarcho-Bolshevik@lemmygrad.mlOP
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          2 years ago

          That delirious episode that I had this morning was likely due to the hydroxyzine on which I overdosed. Since my depression tends to be modest, I rarely take them. The other night my mental anguish was so awful that I could actually feel my head ache.

          Anyway, I talked with a friend and I realize that my previous interactions with this employée were likewise questionable. I once admitted to this employée that I like visiting because I enjoyed ‘her presence’, I gently asked if she was interested in maybe meeting me after work, and I even offered to do household chores for her, to which she politely declined.

          I know that other guys have done so much worse and more extreme than this, but I was still overstepping my boundaries, and it’s plausible that my weird joke (“Make sure nobody is watching when you spit in my food.”) was simply the straw that broke the camel’s back. No more, no less.

          I’m done with trying to win over service workers. It’s too risky, and I fucked up. Big time.

          • Ratette (she/her)@lemmygrad.ml
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            2 years ago

            Yeah like I’m not hear to lecture but that would have been creepy to hear from her perspective.

            We live and learn comrade, you know better now.

            I hope you are okay 🫂

            • Anarcho-Bolshevik@lemmygrad.mlOP
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              2 years ago

              I apologized directly to her earlier for my inappropriate comments. She said that the thing that upset her the most was the joke, because she could have unfairly lost her job and her livelihood due to a false accusation that she was deliberately contaminating food. That would have been good to know earlier; (nearly) getting her fired was one of the last things that I wanted to do.

              I told her that I didn’t care about being unbanned and that I was going to stop calling her, but she said that since I apologized she could appeal to the administrators and I could call next week for an update. I weakly said, ‘Uh, sure’, told her to have a nice week, she told me the same, then I hung up.

              I’m still not going to call again, though; I don’t care about getting unbanned, mostly because Subway is a garbage franchise.

              Anyway, I need to stop obsessing over this matter. I mean, what else can I do? I’ve apologized directly to her, she seemed to accept it, I learned my lesson, and I’ve decided that I hate Subway so I am not going back anymore whether I’m unbanned or not. Aside from maybe my own OCD and depression causing me to obsess over this matter, I’ve pretty much put the nail in the coffin.

              • Ratette (she/her)@lemmygrad.ml
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                2 years ago

                You seem to have identified the right move forward.

                You fucked up and creeped, you got called out and put in your place for it, you’ve learnt and grown from it. There’s nothing left here.

                Now it’s time to move on.

                I think it’s best to make a (eat) fresh start somewhere new because you still seem a little torn up over this and going back into that environment will not be healthy especially if your anxiety/depression/ocd is going to make you obsess and over analyse every interaction.

                Maybe send a text saying “hey I’ve thought about it and honestly I think it’s for the best I make a fresh start away from this place but thank you for listening to me and sorry for what I did” and that way you’ve actually made a consumate effort to move on in reality vs just in your head.

                I hope you are okay dude 🫂

  • pancake
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    2 years ago

    Well, if you think about it, it’s a huge step that you’re sharing this :) Interacting with people is always good for the mind, but doing it a lot can be exhausting when you’re feeling down.

  • i_must_destroy@lemmygrad.ml
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    2 years ago

    I feel like people seem way worse since Covid. Probably a combination of a lot of things, but I’ve noticed a sharp drop off in behavior I see IRL.

    Sometimes it feels hopeless. Even people I know who are somewhat nice spew reactionary bs. I’m honestly shocked when people are a basic level of respectful to other people now. It’s bleak.

    • DankZedong @lemmygrad.ml
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      2 years ago

      I second this. It seems that the brakes are off for a lot of people. Rude people everywhere. People are more short tempered, more racist, more unhinged than before Covid. It really did a number on a lot of people.

      Football fans and people going out seem to be the most visible change for this. Over here, there’s weekly hooligan fights at almost every match. Going out to a bar results in fights almost every weekend now. It’s like a lot of people just stopped caring.