I remember this person whose first time sparring in muay thai who came into the class flinching on every strike. As if their strategy was to block every hit like they had entered the matrix. It had to be explained to them that they needed to loosen up and accept a couple strikes. It requires trust and vulnerability otherwise nothing’s getting done and you’re going to stay mediocre frankly dogshit. Flinching at every strike is no way to fight. In fact it’s a fun little game to exploit. If I know you’re going to jump wildly at the first movement then the second and third movement are coming in quick succession from left right left. My friend and I will have a conversation while you drown in your own mindstuff (the person in the anecdote ended up being a splendid member of the team as they went through the ubiquitous struggle of learning).

If you don’t understand that, in the academy, we’re in a playground then you’re lost. You will create your own ceiling. If you’re humiliated by loss, submission, bottom position, the wrong coach, an angry partner, or a botched move then you do yourself a disservice bringing negativity into a place where you could be laughing and learning. Even competition is a skill and an art in and of itself. You’re planning out the prep, tightening up your nutrition, dealing with the nerves, warming up correctly, staying focused, listening to your coach, relying on your A game (and at the highest level executing a specific strategy for a specific opponent), playing to win, being a good sportsman, letting yourself feel what you feel as a result, reviewing tape, and coming away with lessons. It’s still a game, it’s still a style of play. Your loss is not a humiliation. We are fortunate enough to be under the supervision of a ref playing a sport with a ruleset instead of on a battlefield. If you or those around you cannot handle you losing your martial arts match then that surface level assessment of you is as worthless as the $3 hunk of metal they hang around the winner’s neck. This is why I’ve come around from being the most cynical, pessimistic judge who believed results were a reflection of the soul into someone who is beginning to acknowledge that you need an internal motivation and fundamental sense of self worth. If it’s not play and it doesn’t resonate then you’re not going to receive anything external that’s going to change your mind.

You have my sympathy if your martial arts are trauma-informed. I recognize for some people they have flashbacks in bottom positions. I once volunteered to help a person transition from boxing to BJJ who had this psychosomatic response to being mounted where they’d just stop breathing well. I had a personable affect so I was the kind of person you could hang your hat on. If I could offer you anything and there’s even a little chance that it’d be useful and it would come to you in the right time, space, and energy to receive it I’d tell you that I believe BJJ is for anybody who has the will to fight. I’ve seen a little kid with an oxygen mask ready to compete. I’ve seen an octogenarian get their blue belt. One time a cancer survivor told me on a Friday “the chemo didn’t work so they’re going to operate on me tomorrow. It’s going to be snowing Monday so I’ll see you Tuesday.” That wasn’t the only cancer survivor. I’ve seen people cry as they lost and come back. Knocked out, knees ruined, ring wormed, broken toed people still find their way back. I’ve seen a guy without the bottom half of his body win his amateur MMA debut. People in abject poverty all across the world can wrestle and their children laugh while they play too. I believe that the art can take you as far as you want to go.