• miss_brainfart
    2761·
    8 months ago

    Obviously depends on the person, but I would love that question. Straight to the point, trying to understand where I’m at. I can and will appreciate that.

    Maybe that’s the neurospicy part of me. I can absolutely see why someone wouldn’t like that.

    • pH3ra
      62·
      8 months ago

      Exactly: I’m more than happy to either give you emotional support or brainstorm a solution.
      Just tell me which one, because the two things don’t overlap at all.

    • agent_flounder@lemmy.worldEnglish
      23·
      8 months ago

      Yeah same. It is weird because I’m never quite sure what mode my wife is in. And she never knows what mode I’m in.

      Usually I’m the one in feelings mode because I usually solve the problem myself so if the problem is still there I tried and failed and am now emotional.

      I will have to try this.

    • jabrd [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
      121·
      8 months ago

      Yea this is good partner behavior as I’ve been taught. Jumping straight to problem solving can be dismissive. It’s talking past where your partner is at rather than meeting them where they are

      Actually thinking about this for a second I’m an idiot. What’s the solution stage for “my burrito exploded?” Pick it up ho?

    • Shardikprime@lemmy.world
      52·
      8 months ago

      I can’t imagine how it must be to tiptoe conversations as if you were walking around eggshells just to avoid the other party to feel bad about any imaginary perceived slight

    • Hamartiogonic@sopuli.xyz
      1·
      8 months ago

      Having worked in tech support, I can say that listening skills are crucial. Sure, being tech savvy is important too, but first you need to listen and maybe even calm the other person down a bit before you can start working on the actual problem. I wonder if medical doctors are like that as well…

    • massive_bereavement@kbin.social
      162·
      8 months ago

      I am bad with feelings in a medical way so when someone comes to me to complain I always try finding a solution.

      This video ruined my day and will probably upset me every time I remember it for the rest of my life.

      I hope you’re happy.

      Truly, I hope you have a nice day, sharing is caring.

  • Kerandir@lemmy.world
    241·
    8 months ago

    Nice post but guys can you tell me how is the shawarma? And what is. I only ever seen on the avenger post credit scene.

    • Iusedtobeanadventurer@lemmy.world
      24·
      8 months ago

      A shawarma is very similar to a gyro, both are wrapped in a pita like bread (although I don’t think the shawarma bread is called pita). A shawarma tends to have spicier ingredients compared to a gyro, and originates from the Middle East.

      • Barbarian@sh.itjust.works
        21·
        8 months ago

        I don’t think the shawarma bread is called pita

        Technically, any method of serving meat from a vertical rotisserie is a shawarma. The bread is typically pita bread, but you can use laffa or tombik bread instead if you want

        • agent_flounder@lemmy.worldEnglish
          10·
          8 months ago

          There is also the shawarma plate… Said meat plus sides like rice, hummus, babaganoush(sp?), falafel, etc.

          🤔 I know what we’re having for lunch today…

        • Captain Howdy@lemm.ee
          8·
          8 months ago

          TIL that the Mexican “Al Pastor” is technically a shawarma. I was previously aware that it is based on Mediterranean cuisine and adapted by migrants to the ingredients available in Mexico. Neat fact.

        • Barbarian@sh.itjust.works
          16·
          8 months ago

          Doner and shawarma are the same thing, it’s just that doner is the turkish name, shawarma is the arabic name. There’s also gyros, which is the Greek name for the same thing.

          Edit: should also mention that basically every region in eastern Europe, the caucuses and the middle east has their own regional sauces, types of meat, and use different veggies. Gyros, shawarma and doner are fundamentally the same thing, but there is a lot of variety in which meat, bread, sauces and veggies are offered.

            • Ultraviolet@lemmy.worldEnglish
              6·
              8 months ago

              The fundamental concept of a mixture of different meats and spices cooked on a rotating skewer in an oven, served by scraping off the surface, served with veggies and a yogurt based sauce on pita bread, are all consistent across every country’s version of the dish. The individual details vary based on local taates and available ingredients.

      • Nath@aussie.zone
        5·
        8 months ago

        Koreans be like, "seriously? That’s a food?

        context

        Actually happened to me walking past a kebab stand with a Korean friend. Apparently ke is a word for food/rice and bab is dog. Kebab roughly translates to “dog food”.

        • avapa@lemmy.world
          10·
          8 months ago

          It’s the other way around:

          개 (ge) means dog and 밥 (bap) is cooked rice or a meal in general.

          • nonfuinoncuro@lemm.ee
            6·
            8 months ago

            Korean hot dogs are actually a thing. Both extravagant street stall corn dogs and soups made with dog meat.

            • TimewornTraveler@lemm.ee
              3·
              8 months ago

              lmao just to be clear, korean corn dog stands (“hot dogu”) are NOT made of dog meat! but there is a soup with dog meat, like you said. the dog soup is only sold in some specialized restaurants and mostly only grouchy old farts eat there

        • TimewornTraveler@lemm.ee
          4·
          8 months ago

          haha now I’m wondering how aussies say kebab because the American way doesnt quite sound like 개밥. we say more like 크바브. probably just cute joke for your friend to help you feel closer to their culture though :)

          • Nath@aussie.zone
            3·
            8 months ago

            I expect it’s much the same. He saw the word “Kebab” on a sign as we walked past. That’s what sparked the conversation. He read it something close to “care-barb” when he asked.

  • Solivine@sopuli.xyz
    3924·
    8 months ago

    I understand that the whole “do you want a solution or to just talk about it” is well intentioned, but even if what I want is the latter now that you’ve asked me that I would feel worse for just trying to bring it up to talk about it. It’s hard to justify I guess, but the statement feels condescending when you are in that socially vulnerable position.

    Edit: I have attempted to explain this further below, but again, it can be hard for me to understand why I feel a certain way and I don’t understand how others can easily.

    • Modva@lemmy.world
      391·
      8 months ago

      Just out of curiosity, what does the perfect reply look like in the above scenario

      • EfreetSK@lemmy.world
        801·
        8 months ago

        Since even asking is an issue, my suggestion is to be a divination wizard with specilization in mind reading

        • DaCookeyMonsta@lemmy.world
          221·
          8 months ago

          Having dated crazy, the answer I was told was that as their soul mate I should understand them perfectly and cater to their every whim instinctively and without discussion.

          Which is a lot to ask for after 3 months of dating.

      • flicker@kbin.social
        381·
        8 months ago

        Something tells me there isn’t a perfect answer doe that person. “Someone asked me how they can support me, so now I don’t want help because that seems condescending” sounds like the kind of thing you get from someone who says they’re fine, but isn’t, and they’re mad you don’t already know why they’re not fine.

      • Ibaudia@lemmy.worldEnglish
        18·
        8 months ago

        My experienced dating a socially anxious person is that there is no perfect response, anything you say needs exclusion qualifiers and follow-up for reassurance purposes. Love her tho.

      • cRazi_man@lemm.ee
        101·
        8 months ago

        An “emotion phase” mindset tends to expect you to know about their state and reacts badly if you don’t join them there.

        A “solution focused” mindset can easily talk and not react badly about a misjudgement on your part.

        So if you want to be safe, then your opening line should always presume the other person is in the emotional phase. The response will tell you if you’re right. And if you’re not right then the other person is in a position to negotiate without being upset about it.

        • Solivine@sopuli.xyz
          51·
          8 months ago

          This makes sense to me as a social dynamic without reducing it to a prompt like above.

      • RagnarokOnline@reddthat.com
        92·
        8 months ago

        This is such a good question that it’s kind of blowing my mind.

        First off, it’s actually a shit message to only include “my shawarma fell apart” with no other context. There’s not even punctuation! Like, give me some textual non-verbals I can pick up on.

        Second, this is so typical of neuro-normies: send a message with no social cues and somehow expect the recipient to ace the response.

        So what’s the ideal response? I dunno. I’d probably reply with something like “I know, right?! My butthole is so itchy right now. Could this day be any worse?”

      • Solivine@sopuli.xyz
        72·
        8 months ago

        I think in the above scenario it would be safe to assume it’s the “just talk about it” scenario. With something as simple as food falling apart the person will be more than capable of solving it themselves if they needed to.

        • Contramuffin@lemmy.world
          81·
          8 months ago

          The fact that the answer ends up being “you need to assume based on the context” demonstrates exactly what the other comments are saying. Nobody is a mind reader, and it’s not generally a good idea to expect someone else to assume the same things you do, especially if that other person didn’t experience it firsthand. Maybe it works for you, but it’s making things needlessly more complicated for other people

          • Solivine@sopuli.xyz
            5·
            8 months ago

            I tried to delve more into why I feel this way in another comment further down if you’re interested, but I understand the frustration behind your comment. Personally I think there are other ways to gauge someone’s feelings.

        • Rambi@lemm.ee
          81·
          8 months ago

          So you’re saying that they need to break up and never speak to each other ever again and that she needs to get a restraining order?? That a quite extreme

    • pH3ra
      141·
      8 months ago

      …now that you’ve asked me that I would feel worse for just trying to bring it up to talk about it

      Why would you feel worse? If that’s what you need, just ask. There’s no point in hiding your feelings from the people you want to spend time with, unless you want to create unnecessary misunderstandings.

      • Solivine@sopuli.xyz
        23·
        8 months ago

        I didn’t say it makes sense, it’s hard to justify feelings all the time, but I can give it a go. Perhaps we can work out why I think this way. These are guesses, I don’t know the root cause.

        It can sound kind of arrogant I guess, like that person can solve something you can’t. It also sounds emotionless and robotic when they say it.

        It could also sound like if you don’t want a solution then your complaining is less valid. With a partner you trust I suppose this might not be true, but with some friends I have they would immediately switch off if it’s the latter I guess.

        And a much more simple guess - most of the time I just don’t know which one of those I want, and I haven’t got to that stage yet. I find it very difficult to pinpoint why I get certain emotions and what I want to do with them, that whole process doesn’t make sense to me and I don’t understand why all these other replies seem to be able to do that and are saying it’s my fault. Perhaps this is a spectrum thing.

        • pH3ra
          6·
          8 months ago

          IDK if the thing will suit you, but therapy helped me to process and talk more openly about my feelings, so situations like the one mentioned above can be dealt in a less “awkward” way

    • ursakhiin@beehaw.org
      143·
      8 months ago

      FYI that’s definitely a you thing.

      Some people jump to problem solving immediately when they find out about a problem. Others will sit and contemplate how they are feeling about a problem.

      This text sounds like a compromise that has been worked out because she was getting frustrated that he just jumps into problem solving when all she wants to hear is affirmation of her feelings. He’s still got work to do, but he’s clearly trying.

      Source: this is exactly a conversation my wife and I had

      • TheGreenGolem@lemm.ee
        6·
        8 months ago

        Exactly the same for me. When my wife had a problem, I always started to solve it. “Okay, did you do this and that? Tomorrow we’ll try x. Maybe if we call X” etc.- I needed to learn for months not to do it at the beginning of our relationship. She said she just needed to rant, to talk about it and didn’t want a solution. Which, given that I’m an engineer, is very difficult to do. I don’t really see problems as problems, mostly just tasks that need solution.

      • Solivine@sopuli.xyz
        2·
        8 months ago

        Yeah, I mean I know getting annoyed by it would achieve nothing so I wouldn’t react in a negative manner to them, I would just discuss it with them later that it bothered me and could maybe try a different method if it’s needed for them.

    • PsychedSy@sh.itjust.works
      11·
      8 months ago

      I have friends that know to clarify for me. They’ll just drop in “I’m just venting” or say they’re not looking for a solution.

      • Sombyr@lemmy.one
        6·
        8 months ago

        This is what I do. If I don’t want solutions, I always start with “This is just a rant, I don’t need solutions, but…”

        Usually that exact quote, so it’s completely unambiguous. If I didn’t start with something like that, 99% chance I’ll be okay with presented solutions.

    • DaCookeyMonsta@lemmy.world
      111·
      8 months ago

      Well the alternative is to guess someone’s emotional state through text which will seem insensitive. At least the former will get an answer.

    • hrosts@lemm.ee
      10·
      8 months ago

      I think you’re unintentionally reading/framing this in the condescending key. The way you rephrased it it does sound condescending, but in the screenshot it’s mostly just silly and caring. You might be too on guard here

    • Rodeo@lemmy.ca
      133·
      8 months ago

      socially vulnerable position.

      If shawarma falling apart makes you socially vulnerable maybe you should be seeing a therapist.

      Let’s keep in mind the context and the relative severity of the situation here.

      • Rambi@lemm.ee
        3·
        8 months ago

        I’m not really sure what that specific term means, but I do know that if you spend a few hours planning for, acquiring ingredients for and preparing a recipe it can be quite disappointing if it doesn’t work out and I don’t think that necessarily means you need to “see a therapist” haha.

          • Rambi@lemm.ee
            2·
            8 months ago

            Lol I know what shawarma is, it’s that thing you slice meat off of that goes in kebabs. I meant I wasn’t sure specifically what socially vulnerable means

    • agent_flounder@lemmy.worldEnglish
      5·
      8 months ago

      I can totally see that. It could easily come across like that. Like… SIGH 🙄 “emotion or solution this time?” 😒 … Right?

      I could also imagine if the other person is being earnest and with good delivery and wording and especially if this “protocol” is agreed upon beforehand, it could work. For some. Maybe?

      Idk. It can be equally exasperating not knowing what is the right mode to support as well as not getting the support I need.

      • Solivine@sopuli.xyz
        1·
        8 months ago

        I tried to go through it in more detail in a reply further down, but this is definitely one of the reasons it could be.

    • Nima@lemmy.world
      73·
      8 months ago

      while I understand what you’re saying, shawarma falling apart is not a real crisis. lol

      this is obviously a funny exchange.

  • Bartsbigbugbag
    15·
    8 months ago

    That is a very beautiful and useful way of articulating that. Thanks for sharing this, I have a new tool in my belt now.