I typically don’t care about things like hairstyle, makeup or clothes. But my wife has started giving herself a buzz cut and I simply hate it. I told her and she grew it out for a while, but she said longer hair was making her depressed and it needed to be a buzz cut. She said it just looks like her when she sees it. Part of me thinks that’s gender euphoria and she’s just around the corner from realising that she’s trans. I would not be comfortable continuing the relationship in that case. (She has said she feels a-gender but not male).
I’ve tried to tolerate it, but I dislike looking at her now and it’s contributing to me being depressed now. I don’t want these feelings every time I look at my wife.
We’ve generally had a good relationship over about one and a half decades, with two young children. We’re also codependent and own a house together.
It would make things difficult if we separate. I really don’t want to separate just because of a haircut, but I’ve definitely been thinking about it. I just don’t know what to do.
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I’m not a therapist, but my money’s on hair not being the real issue in this situation.
What else could it be? To me, given how it’s a persistent haircut that she wants to maintain, it may as well be comparable to cutting the front 1mm of one’s nose off. That would make one less attractive to probably a lot of people, with no other/further factor involved.
Long hair is a pain in the ass to maintain and women are socially pressured to keep it long. Maybe she’s sick of it. It’s nothing like cutting off your nose wtf.
But the opposite of long hair isn’t a buzz cut; there are many other styles. Hopefully they can find some kind of happy medium.
I have tried to suggest all the short hairstyles that I like and then the ones I could probably tolerate, but apparently it has to be a buzz cut…
She has said long hair is too annoying, and that’s fine (I do have long hair and it doesn’t bother me but we can differ there). But, I think it’s more about how she looks. I’ve suggested the short hairstyles I would be OK with, but she’s not interested. I think because they’re the most feminine short styles I could find, which is what I am attracted to. I’m worried that she really wants to look masculine and that’s not what I’m attracted to.
It could indeed. I think we all have some aesthetics we give weight to whether or not we refuse to acknowledge it. It’s just worth making sense of how much and how it affects you. Is it enough to run out of a relationship with a family of 1.5 decades?
When I was depressed in my former relationship, I would shave my head. Look it up. It’s a normal thing to do, when wanting a fresh start. I wish you both the best.
That is interesting. I will look it up.
Having young children has definitely been stressful for both of us and it was probably the roughest patch when she first wanted to shave it. But, I thought things had been getting better, except for my current struggle with not wanting to look at her which has been slowly building over time.
It’s time for therapy because I would bet money you’ve got other issues that you need to dig into for the sake of your kids. The haircut is just the visible manifestation of some other problems you have with her, namely that you’ve already stated that you would end the marriage if she were to simply admit she’s trans.
I’m not judging you at all. Relationships are complicated and constantly evolving. It’s possible you’ve both grown in different directions that are incompatible. It’s also possible you just need to talk some things out.
I wish you the best either way.
Upvote, to hope this is it: it can be a pretty serious issue, but it would be a huge step forward to identify what’s going on and to find steps to take. Good luck, OP
You’re both going through depression and that’s rough on its own.
I love my wife’s long hair, but idk, I love her more than I do her hair.
If she buzz cuts it, or ever gets cancer and loses it, or, whatever happens really, I can’t really see my feelings for her changing over this.I’m not judging here, I’m saying there’s probably more to this than just the hair itself?
I can’t know if it’s about other changes related to your depressions, coping with agender-ness, attraction, control, or whatever, but I think none of us here is really equipped to help you out.
Not that I don’t want to help, but you’re probably better off seeking professional help.Now, whether that’s a solo psychologist or couples therapy, be mindful of choosing a practitioner that’s friendly to the agender and trans people.
I imagine it would suck for your wife to get shoved into a religious zealot’s trad-wife conversion therapy.I’m a dude with long hair who’s not shy of either my masculine nor feminine side and I’d be pretty bummed if my wife told be she hated how I look and signed me up for boot camp so they buzz cut my hair.
Feels like the hair is the tip of the iceberg here.
Good luck to you both.No, I’d also be uncomfortable if my significant other suddenly wanted a buzz cut. Sure, she could be just trying something different and it can be hot/edgy, but it’s more likely symbolic of something deeper. Maybe I’m shallow or would be reading too much into it, but I’d strongly believe there was some underlying issue, maybe she’s just realizing about herself, that may not be compatible with what I’m looking for. It’s most likely not just a hair choice
Depression is a major issue that your wife will need to address. The haircut is probably just how it’s physically manifesting.
This is going to be a challenge in your relationship, but get over the hair and focus on your wife’s mental health. Be there to support her and try to get to the root of the depression. That probably means therapy and possibly medication. You’ll probably want to also get couples therapy to help explore new ways that you and your wife can work together and support each other.
You might be having issues feeling attraction because her personality is changing from her depression. It’s not just the hair, that’s just what you’re able to see and pinpoint.
This is your opportunity to step up and take care of your wife when she needs it.
I think that all of the comments here telling you things like “it’s just hair, get over it” etc are bullshit. It may be true for people other than you in other situations but if that were the case then you wouldn’t have posted here in the first place. It’s obviously an issue that requires more than “oh come on its no big deal”. It’s very hard if not impossible for people to change who/what they are attracted to and you should not be shamed or belittled for being attracted to long hair.
Having said that, I do think that couple’s therapy would be a good idea to help you guys get everything out on the table so that you can sort through this together. People change over their lifetimes both physically and mentally, and it can be challenging sometimes to understand and accept those changes.
Wishing the best to both of you.
I’m a white straight cis-woman who hates my hair and would buzz cut if it were more socially acceptable. It’s not a gender thing; it’s a tactile-sensory thing. I dislike it on my neck and face and hate the cost and experience of monthly maintenance to keep a cute pixie cut. A good hairstyle (by good I mean one you feel good in) definitely matters. I’m doing my hair longer now to get it in a pony tail. Don’t love it at all, but while it’s was growing out I felt frumpy and depressed. I would feel more confident if I could buzz mine without this stigma. If I were more courageous I would but the last time I had it very low people were judgy and to me it’s wasn’t worth the reactions.
But I don’t think your post is actually about the hair cut. There’s a lot of feelings you both your ends on what it means and what you think it means but may not. A healthy relationship IMO needs to talk about these openly. Even if you find you’re growing in different directions, if you love her, try to support her being authentic to herself. You may find your relationship can be stronger for it.
I’d say drop it and accept your wife how she likes to be. It’s not “nothing” but it’s just outer appearance and ultimately she has to walk around with her body and be comfortable with her looks.
You two should talk. Respect each other and find something that works for the both of you. Focus on how you and her feel and what your wants and needs are. In doubt she gets to decide on her own haircut. But try to find out why it’s bothering you and her so much.
Edit: And I’d agree on the couples therapy someone mentioned. This isn’t a healthy situation to be in. You probably need to put in some effort if you want to keep her. Learn how to accept each other and grow past this. I’m not saying you’re at fault or the one needing to change. But the underlying issue could drive you apart if it keeps growing.
As mentioned below it seems likely this is caused by the depression. It seems like both are you are overwhelmed and under intense pressure her especially. Its time for both of you to prioritize your mental health. Go to therapy (couples or individual), get time away from the kids together and / or apart so that you can do something you enjoy. Neither of you can be your best for the rest of the family without taking some time or energy to help yourself. Take on some of the burden so your wife can have some time off from the kids. She should do the same for you. Ask for help so someone else watches the kids and relax together.
You guys need couples therapy, not advice from internet strangers on Lemmy. This is an issue that’s going to take some serious unpacking and that requires a professional’s help.
There is so much to unpack in this post, I don’t even know where to begin.
longer hair was making her depressed
No way a hairstyle is the root cause for her being depressed.
You/she need to figure out the real reasons.
But also why a change in hairstyle at all would have any impact at all, I feel this should be such an irrelevant thing on mental state. An interesting question would be, if she were on a lonely island with no one there but her, would her hairstyle still have a large impact on her being depressed? Why? (For me hairstyles/any appearance change are just signals for other people)
In general I agree that your looks are not for yourself, but for your partner. I’d change almost everything about myself as long as it wasn’t a huge maintenance investment (which specific long hair can be, but can also be simple). I don’t understand anyone that chooses a look only for themselves. You don’t even see yourself unless you search for a mirror!
I couldn’t be with a woman with a buzz cut (by choice, when alternatives exist) either.
Your comment was great until the last sentence. I really don’t get it. You can have a preference, sure, but to say you couldn’t be with any women because of short hair is so shallow.
It’s because I’m shallow. Visuals are important to me. I know my preferences, and no/barely any hair on the head is ugly to me. Doesn’t take anything away from the rest of the comment though.
Gender euphoria? Really?
Probably autocorrected from dysphoria
Gender euphoria is the opposite. It’s a good feeling when things feel right (seeing yourself look masculine as a trans man). I’m not saying that’s what it was, but it fits a little too well and makes me uncomfortable.
Oh weird. I’ve never heard that phrase before. Yeah, that wouldn’t be good
It’s a new-ish term, I believe. Trying to get away from the notion that the trans experience is all negative things
Get a fucking grip maybe?
It’s hair.
Believe me, I’ve tried. I’m sure there’s plenty of people who would be fine with it or even like it, but I’m just not one of them. I’m also sure I’m not the only one who dislikes the look of a buzz cut on a woman. I’m having trouble maintaining a relationship with someone who has a look that I hate.
I would be fine if this was temporary but she’s made it clear she never wants to grow it out at all. Not even a pixie cut.
I’d be happy to hear advice that would help me ‘get a fucking grip’.
It’s pretty obviously not the haircut itself that’s the problem…if she went back to having long hair, would you think, “Great! I suddenly no longer have any concerns about my wife’s gender identity!” There’s something more going on there, whether it’s real or just in your head. Go to therapy. Ideally as a couple, but individually if you have to, to get to the bottom of that.
If I’m honest with myself it’s hard to pin-point the real source of my feelings. I guess it’s a mix of things. But, at the moment I do think the largest issue is that I don’t like the look. My concern about gender identity is one that comes up every now and again, mostly because she made a comment about how good that hairstyle made her feel which sounded like gender euphoria to me. She assures me that’s not it, so I think I would be OK if she was happy to grow her hair out.
I guess you’re still right about couple’s therapy. I did try to organise it at one point, but it got difficult. I’ll take it more seriously now.
If she’s sure it’s not a gender thing, what about a nice wig for dates and that sort of thing?
A different short haircut isn’t gender euphoria. I think you are reaching since that scares you.
I don’t think it’s gender euphoria just because of the haircut. It’s that she’s thinking she doesn’t identify as female anymore, she does seem to have changed. And, seeing herself with a buzz cut evoked strong feelings of it being right. I’ve definitely heard other people having that kind of gender euphoria from having a male haircut, and I’ve seen someone else go though a similar transition.
Having said that I’m not trying to say I know better than she does, it is just a fear of what could happen and would ruin the relationship. I don’t have any problem with people being trans but I’m simply not attracted to men, trans or otherwise. So there probably is these feelings mixed in when I see such a male haircut on my wife (a look that I also find very unattractive).
Please remember that not identifying as a woman anymore doesn’t always mean that they identify as a man, can just as well be anywhere in between or neither. So that wouldn’t necessarily change your relationship, they are still the same person.
What Volkditty said is the best answer here. I think it’s time to get professional help. The worst case it will help you with separating, but the outcomes could only improve from there.
the outcomes could only improve from there.
Assuming he gets a good therapist… good luck with the search, OP!
Maybe but it seems to represent a bunch of buried concerns or insecurity.
