Having an interesting conversation with someone you just met. I see people do this shit all the time and they make it look like it comes naturally but every time I’m in that situation it is so difficult. Its like a series of quick time events that im severely underprepared for
I learned to combat this with 3 simple questions:
- What kind of job do you do? (Or study)
- Where do you live?
- Do you have any kids, dog,…
Be interrested in their answers and add some simple follow-up questions that show you are listening. Add some content of your own as a follow-up.
Posing that first question can be a bit weird, but the rest is as simple as it sounds.
Be interested in their answers
Yeah, so, that’s where I usually drop the ball. What if I’m just… not?
That’s where I rely on “fake it till you make it”.
What if, completely hypothetically of course, I’m pushing 40 and only moderately depressed but still prefer the company of my dogs to most people?
What kind of dogs do you have?
Sweet, dumb, wonderful shelter mutts.
What are we using to post videos to Lemmy at this point? It still doesn’t seem to work from Voyager.
Have you taught them any tricks?
Testing a direct upload into the the web browser:
It really depends on the person, you have to have some sort of jumping off point. Whether that is sharing something in common with someone or having cool hobbies.
I think this is the biggest myth of conversation. People always tell you to search for people whom you share something in common with, but the reality is that nearly everyone shares something in common and there’s no reason to go searching for it.
The key to a good conversation with a stranger is to initially do two things: 1. Ask details about the stranger and 2. Intertwine that with yourself in some way. You don’t even need to share this part.
Good conversations have these things I’ll call “footholds” where you intentionally give each other details shortly after meeting in order to create those ties in conversation. If you ask where someone is from, you should shortly offer up where you are from as well. Or if you ask about a hobby, offer a light comparison to your own.
Once you have enough of these footholds, the conversation should flow freely. If it ever doesn’t, ask the stranger more about themselves. And trust me, just be interested in what they say.
I’m not perfect at it, but what helps me is that I genuinely love to learn and I like to take the opportunity to learn from people when I meet them. I just need to find an entry point (job, hobby, something the person is knowledgeable about) and then I start asking questions, and applying the limited knowledge I might already have on the subject.
With short interactions with people that are working (supermarket, bank, restaurant, phone assistance) I usually go for empathy, and overall just being nice. When one comes to me I go for a joke to brighten their day a bit.
I sometimes use the alphabet method. When a conversation gets stuck I think of words starting with a and form a question from that.
Example : angler fish, amazon, aeroplane
-> do you like travelling? What’s your dream destination? Do you like the deep sea/ocean/swimming?
I think for short ask questions, actually listen to their answers and follow up or share your own experiences. Now you’re conversating.
Me in my head: Start a conversation, think of words that start with a… Aaaaaaaaaaaaa…
Me out loud: We come from the land of the ice and snow, from the midnight sun where the hot springs flow
Everyone, including me: WTF!?
*stressed depressed lemon zest
Parenting. Before I had kids I was often judgmental of parents, but now I’ve realized all the things I didn’t take into account and all the things you just don’t have control over. In my case, I was not expecting to be a single parent, there was the pandemic, and I did not factor in how impactful the lack of sleep and autonomy would be.
Even without suddenly becoming single, or a pandemic, or anything, being a parent isn’t something that can be explained to someone who hasn’t experienced it, IMO. You can use words to explain, that you think are accurate. But it just has to be experienced to fully understand. The fatigue, the change in stress levels, the amount of time you lose. Conceptually not hard to grasp. But the way it feels, different story. “Wow, this is worse/more than I thought.”
But given all that, it’s also hard to explain that it’s all worth it. One of the best things about being a parent right now for me personally, is watching my kids learn everything for the first time, and the wonders of learning, beaming from their eyes. It’s such a privilege being the one to have a chance to teach them a bunch of things. Being a role model, being someone with whom they build trust.
Also walking into their room after they’ve fallen asleep and watching two absolute gigawatt units expend their energy non-stop all day, now completely still (and silent, JFC), and just so peaceful. Their eyes just two lines, rather than two open balls all day. Adorable.
100% accurate.
Once they become teens, the joy is in seeing them realize how much they don’t yet know. It happens rarely, so make sure to document it.
Nothing is more entertaining than being a parent.
There is also nothing to explain the disassociative feeling of having them kidsplain to you things that you taught them, or were actually there for. It’s like, dude, you didn’t know how to wipe your own bum until I taught you. I think I have a handle on 9/11, liberal vs. conservative politics, the Cold War, collapse of the Soviet Union, or how to drive/ shop for groceries/ pay taxes/ vote/feed my dog/apply a bandaid, or whatever thing you think just came into existence because you learned it.
lmao that’s funny. Yeah this is already somewhat the case with my 3 and 4 year old. Even sometimes when they were 2. They’ll tell me things I told them, repeatedly. Things they learn in preschool. Things that they make up on the spot that are completely untrue bullshit. And you’ll just go “oh really, wow, how interesting”. It’s all about sharing with each other at this point lol. Everything doesn’t have to be exactly right or true. I’m trying to remember that because my oldest is a bit of a know-it-all. Trying to prevent further damage to him being a little annoying prick with that behavior. 😆 Especially towards the younger one.
I was out shopping for plants this morning when a little girl wanted to point out the spilled dirt and the hedges they had to me. It was adorable.
My girlfriend and her 5 year old will be moving in with me this summer, I’m so excited to see her learn and grow.
You’ll be a great addition to her life, I’m sure. 💛
you didn’t know how to wipe your own bum until I taught you. I think I have a handle on 9/11, liberal vs. conservative politics
I agree completely with the one exception being the current aging generation that is so completely brainwashed by Murdock et al, that think the working class are the badies, among other misconceptions…
I have a friend with kids. I’m also an aunt. I think it’s absolutely fantastic when people can be parents, but I also don’t at all understand how anyone is capable of doing that shit. I’m more than capable of briefly watching and playing with kids for several hours at a time, but not caring for them 24/7 forever.
It’s especially wild to me when parents basically explain to me that they are constantly legitimately going through extreme suffering in what you describe in your first paragraph.
But then they tell me how literally suffering 24/7 is somehow all worth it to them and it makes even less sense. I’m guessing there’s some sort of hormonal thing going on to trick the brain into giving periodic happiness episodes in the middle of what sometimes seems to be flat out torture.
😆 Sounds very accurate to a normal parental experience indeed.
I don’t know if it’s necessarily hormonal. I mean… Everything brain related is, perhaps. I don’t know about such things. But it’s mostly for me about how beautiful it is to have such a purely innocent being put their full trust in you and love you unconditionally (whether by instinct or not). You get to have an extremely tight emotional bond with someone who is completely dependent on you, and that really sharpens your morals. It grows you the fk up. You start having a lot more empathy, even if you thought you had a lot of it before.
It just changes you, completely. Like, I’ve explained it now, in some pretty well-chosen few words, but there’s still this explanatory gap here that will never be bridged by words, only through experience. It’s… hard to explain. 😅
You even feel a little conned, sometimes. Always tired, annoyed, want to be alone, stuff like that. Then when the kids are away for a day or more, “I miss them”. Like what the actual F. 🤡 Am I infested with brain parasites or am I a parent?
My mom told me she used to judge the parents in the shops with screaming kids, we didn’t do that and she thought it was her excellent parenting. She said “Then God gave me Janet” to cure her judgemental hubris, lol.
Nobody is a good parent all the time, we aren’t robots and exhaustion is such a drain on intelligence and compassion. But most of us are good parents enough of the time, thankfully.
Fucking Janet
I’ve got one thing to say and that’s
Dammit Janet
I love youuuuu
I was one of those rare, quiet kids, so until my brother was born my parents were just reinforced in their belief that other parents were just shitty parents.
And those people in comments that are always shitting on parents? Wait until you see what they look like and how they live. Often the most outrageous comments are made by the most outrageous people.
What do you mean, like finish work then go straight to playing games? I know parents who manage that (somehow!)
I can’t even conceive of the lack of sleep. Like I’ll miss out on a few hours and feel like death, but staying up an entire night? And then having to drive, with a sick kid in the car?
But I mean ultimately I don’t want kids of my own, so I don’t have that internal ember to stoke my motivation. But man, parents must really want it to go through all that I see them doing.
Anyway hope things are going alright for you. One of the nice things is that it can (generally) get easier over time, and then eventually you have a new adult family member that you helped make :)
Making friends as an adult
I’m really struggling with this right now. I’ve joined to some new interest groups, but everyone including myself, seems so guarded, every time I leave feeling like I’ve failed a barrage of social aptitude tests. I feel like so many adults have baggage that by 40 they’re spring loaded to overreact and overthink, they come across as unapproachable. Or maybe I’m awful, which is what keeps kicking around in my head.
You’re not awful. It can be very hard, especially if you aren’t outgoing by nature. Doubly especially if you don’t have an identifiable “thing” for people to know you by.
The best I’ve done is let people know my interests, and my values, and just generally who I am . People who are on the same sine will gravitate to you, while everyone else will rightfully treat you like a weirdo.
Just the cost of doing business, that.
Thank you for your kind words. Logically I know I am not awful as I have friends and try to act with kindness every day. But when you seem to be the common denominator it can be hard not to think you are the reason. I’ve read you aren’t supposed to talk about yourself a lot, that it can be off putting. I try to use approachable body language, actively listen, remember when someone tells me things about themselves, but I am so in my head with social interactions I know I am coming off real weird, like I was raised in a cave. It’ll be ok ; I can always get more dogs to hang out with.
I relate to that. Actually you sound like you’re more on the ball then me. I would describe most of my social interactions as going 50% or lower than an imagined ideal, and even when things go perfectly I’m wracked by “cringe attacks” for weeks. But I would still consider myself to me thriving.
Maybe you don’t relate to the above, but I think social life is just harder for some of us. If you can keep a conversation going by contributing anecdotes and recalling details about the person, that’s incredible! People who can do that seem like superheroes to me.
I’ll wade into a social situation but then just be like uhhh what now? I feel proud if I can just remember someone’s name, let alone remember to talk about something other than myself.
Anyway I don’t feel bad for myself lol. My point is that maybe we do alright. Maybe we’re just overthinkers.
Those cringe attacks are so real! But very true, if we are so so mindful of our interactions we can’t come off as bad as imagined…
Hey, can you add a button on that webpage to do [something]?
Like, yeah, adding a button is usually easy, but making it do [the thing] can be quite difficult.
can you add a button that will save my marriage?
Done. Your marriage status is now saved and can conveniently be retrieved in JSON format.
Socializing. Things to say in a conversation don’t come to me naturally like they seem to do with other people. Often people remark it’s like talking to a wall because I don’t know how to come up with an answer to their open questions on the fly. And without that, they see no foundation to build friendship on.
Damn, I really relate to this. When I get nervous because I don’t know what to say, I come back with one of my dreaded default responses.
I realized today that people on movies are weird in cute, quirky ways. Most of us are just weird in weird ways.
It helps if you realize that most people are delighted to talk about themselves, if you can find the right angle. They may be passionate about cars, or gardening, travel, their children.
Also realize that most people have spent a lot of time doing whatever they do, and there are things they know about it that few other people do.
For example, someone who works in a laundry might have insights into the laundry business, or the people who come in late at night or the values of different kinds of detergent.
Someone who works at a mall may well know things about them all that you don’t. There may be aspects to their job that they find challenging or painful.
I seem unable to care much about other people (not officially diagnosed on the spectrum, but it seems obvious to most people who know me), but I am interested in the insights they can give me, and I genuinely want them to be happy.
Having a conversation like that also beats sitting around awkwardly.
Achieving significant political change, even as an individual with significant political power
Significant political change…for the better.
As we’ve seen all over the world or only takes a relative few to make negative change.
Culture sadly has to be taken into account or it’s like rowing upstream.
Hayes Carll, in his American Dream song:
“Nothing changes, even when it wants to.”
Is achieving significant political change really viewed as ezpz?
Not necessarily but a bunch of political commentators sure like to act like it is whenever they’re complaining about something the current admin isn’t doing or that it is doing but under legal obligation.
According to lemmy lol
“just do a revolution”
This SO much. I was involved some years ago with a non profit, run by a guy with significant personal wealth. He burnt through nearly a million bucks, and did manage to get some change to happen , but it was incredibly difficult and incredibly slow, even with the backing and support of a number of other wealthy and connected individuals plus mass public support as well.
Knitting. Always see people do it on the subway or watching tv without paying attention or trying. Spent a few hours trying to learn once and couldn’t do it.
I hear crochet is easier, and more common than knitting. But I haven’t tried either so I could be entirely wrong.
Crochet for me. It took me forever to figure out how to do it - to even get one simple stitch done. Somehow I figured it out but it’s still really hard
Converting a class traitor to socialism
Try talking to a socialist about something you disagree with then u will understand why people don’t want it be socialist. I’ll give u a hint its not necessarily the ideas of socialism most of the time its the people promoting them u willing to to even entertain an opposing idea.
As a member of the democratic socialist party I often am out speaking to people and for the most part I receive a sincere and accepting response from the regular public, but sometimes I will speak with a working class right winger and they either dont want to know or regurgitate false information usually of the fear mongering verity so I dont think people are put off due to members, not saying it never happens where a member has put someone off but I can’t imagine it to be all that regular.
Well I’m not nessasarilly talking about you just a general thing I’ve noticed. Some socialists great we disagree its a civil discussion we both learn something about the others perspective. Most unfortunatly ends up with me being called racist or sexist or homophobic or transphobic or a Nazi for controversial beliefs such as equality of opportunity and being opposed to equality of outcome.
Why would you be apposed to equality of outcome? Don’t you think the homeless on the streets deserve a liveable life, or the African Americans a way out of repression, and women should be able to walk home at night with out fear of rape. Then internationally the poorer country’s having their resources plundered by the capitalist while the residents have no education or clean water, hospitals, this all allowing the rich to live exceedingly extravagant lives.
I doubt your racist or a Nazi but rather poorly information in socioeconomic and the greater reach capitalism has in devastating lives.
Because equality of outcome is guaranteed to breed inequality. We will see the same effects as the soviet union of people taking advantage of the system because why put any effort in if it doesnt make ur life any better. Ur point about no education that most certainly isn’t equality of oppertunity educate them abolish private funding of schools etc. Health care I would also argue is equality of oppertunity. Is this not a socialist idea itself?
I don’t think I’m poorly informed I simply think that socialist ideals are exactly that ideals. I guess I simply prefer to live in reality.
Equality of opportunity does not work, the richest 1% continue to get richer year over year whilst the poorest get poorer and this isn’t a slogan this is a real statistic we can see. Even the middle classes are entitled to less now and the trend will only continue. Then we have inherited wealth, people tend not to work for they’re fortune its often inherited.
So if the intention of equality of opportunity is to bring prosperity than its failed the largest percentage of people. Really I think its a way for people to say “well we tried, we gave them the opportunity” and in that way they can sleep at night.
The USSR took place 1922 to 1991 where homelessness fell drastically, literacy bloomed to near 100%, people who’d only heard of electricity suddenly had electricity, ‘diets became much better as well as food portions’ (this is power phrased from a leaked FBI document which detailed nutrition being better of an american), work was a given thing if someone was of ably body and mind they’d have a consistent job. In truth the USSR worked amazingly at points, especially considering the state it came from, they skipped capitalism and were feudal before the revolution so had no modern infrastructure like farm equipment, industry and others.
The USSR was a messy thing and to understand the full context would take a lot of explaining, inside the politburo there were bad actors for sure but externally the USSR had to deal with Americas mccarthyism and strong arm tactics, setting nukes on the Russian border or training and supplying arms to terror organisation to economically drain the USSR which the damage can be seen current day in the middle east and even in the USA and Russia with the opioid crises.
But the best part is that once the USSR crumbled we’d like to think the victory of capitalism lead to prosperity and liberation of Russia but the standard of living has dropped, social housing is now privately owned and rented at prices most can’t afford, the average age has declined in Russia, dietary standards have dropped, domestic abuse risen, education levels fallen.
With your last statement I’m sure the feudalist said the same to early capitalism.
The rich get richer and the poor get poorer because we don’t have equality of oppertunity. Still if u worked for ur fortune or not do u really want to take that oppertunity away from everyone else?
Again we do not have equality of oppertunity nor is the ideal of it even particularly tied to capitalism. But we didn’t give people the oppertunity we didn’t give them a fair chance anyone who pretends we did is either stupid or promoting a straw man.
As for everything u said about the USSR stop sucking the dick of a dead empire.
The whole food thing https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Droughts_and_famines_in_Russia_and_the_Soviet_Union
Maybe social standards dropped cos of a dictatorship not capitalism but who knows. From my understanding there are many nations that had and continue to have far better standards than the soviet union and well all of them are capitalist.
Then again I’m not arguing for or against capitalism or socialist/communist just that we should be willing to accept ideas from both and incorporate them to build something better.
Try converting to a socialist. Socialism is a system, not a human being. No wonder it is difficult to do that.
No, socialism is a set of ideals, beliefs and values as well as a system (you can’t have a system without the idea behind it afterall). It’s perfectly reasonable to convert someone into believing in a set of ideals, beliefs and values.
Well, it is both, and neither of them is a person.
True. But hardly relevant. To convert someone to something is a perfectly fine grammatical usage. Another example would be when people say they converted to Christianity.
What do you mean hardly relevant? It is very relevant to my joke.
Just be yourself
Who’s that? I’ll copy everything they do!
Seizure ensues
Easier to say when things are equal opportunity.
Art
Just find someone who needs to launder a lot of money
Picture frames.
Looks like an incredibly simple project for a beginner woodworker, doesn’t it? Get some nice wood, rout in a rabbet for the glass/art/backing, rout on a nice decorative profile, then set your miter saw to 45 degrees and make 8 miter cuts, apply some carpenter’s glue then wrap it in a band clamp. What’s so tough?
I’ll tell you what’s tough: the precision with which those miter cuts must be made is exceptionally fussy. Say each cut is a quarter degree off. Well, after eight cuts that’s two degrees of error. Three of the joints will look fine, the last one will look like an axe wound.
The issue isn’t making the cuts at 45°, it’s making them at 45.0000°. Or, more realistically, making them truly complementary.
This same issue applies to moldings around cabinetry, with the added bonus that the carcass of the cabinet won’t let any of the joints close tightly, so they all look like trash.
I’m not a woodworker, but this is the reason I always finish with sanding. You can sand sand sand, check… sand sand sand, check… Just repeat that 500 times and you’re done!
Everyone should have to sand a piece of wood to within spec at least once in their life.
Measure twice; consider a finer grain of sandpaper; sand once.
Repeat 500 times.
Working in a kitchen. Iykyk
I don’t work in a kitchen but notice many people take it for granted. If someone is on crutches, people won’t see the irony in saying “pick up that heavy object and put it in the oven”. Hence all those old graphic kitchen accident commercials.
I don’t understand the crutches part of what you said. I’m not trying to be a dick or anything I just genuinely don’t understand what that means.
They’re like stilts people with leg handicaps use to move around. You may have seen someone use them in school if they injure themselves. If you’re using them, your hands aren’t exactly free enough to toy around in a kitchen setting.
I know what crutches are and how they work, I’ve had to use them before.
If someone is on crutches, people won’t see the irony in saying “pick up that heavy object and put it in the oven”.
This is what I’m confused about. Do you mean people would ask someone using crutches to put something heavy in an oven without taking into account they’re using crutches?
Yeah, you’d be surprised what tasks people don’t have second thoughts about asking about.
That’s wild. I’ve had the opposite problem where people with obvious disabilities get angry because I can’t not help them.
Removing the tamper seal on a bottle of ketchup
Use your teeth.
Or pierce it with a knife and carefully remove the halves. I hate accidentally bruising my gums.
“Reading the room” some people are really good in certain circumstances but when things are just off it goes off the rails.
As a person with no natural aptitude for it its actually tiring for me and I have to be on my A game to do it right
