[CW: discussion of letting go internalized NBphobia and transphobia]

Started dating gay men again after accepting androgyny as my current gender goal. Like in my heart, I know I am a trans woman, but the years I spent living as such were more miserable than the ones I spent as actively closeted.

For a long time, I struggled with this reactionary NBphobia centered around the thought ‘I am only NB because I don’t feel safe as a binary trans woman; there is not a legitimate non-binary identity.’ After a lot of guilt and introspection, I have let go of this sentiment and love being an androgynous fairy!

I think an analogous incorrect thought process many people have is ‘many people are asexual as a trauma response. Therefore asexuality is not something innate-legitimate like homo-sexuality. Therefore it is not a legitimate orientation///it can be “”“fixed”“”’ This is a product or an extension of the ‘born this way’ narrative many trans people were/are forced to tell to gain any toleration from cishet society. It was one that had left deep scars on my psyche.

In actuality, what really matters is ‘where you are now’: what gender you are actually living as, what sexuality you are actually experiencing. Right now, I am not a trans woman. Right now, I AM non-binary and mainly read as a grungy femme gay man. Right now, that is the closest to my ‘legitimate’ gender that I can feel safe in living.

It’s great! I love my trans boyfriend. I like the casual sensuality I am able to have with cis gay dudes. I feel safe at night and in public in ways I did not as an obviously trans woman.

Whereas previously some amount of that was projected outwards or inflected how I viewed other queers, now I have mostly let go of self judgement and let go of the reactionary social attitudes that were necessary to justify my self-loathing and discomfort.

It’s good to be me. It’s good to be gay. It’s good to be queer.

I went on a date with someone who I think is cool and want to keep seeing them but they live kind of far away and we’re both busy and I don’t know how to proceed from here. I want to at least be friends and hang out occasionally because I have no queer people in my social circle.

I love my girlfriend, and I love being her girlfriend :)

Researching HRT currently, lot of info to learn

I like men. And also women.

hii everyone

I’m fresh out the psychward and I missed my gf so much but she’s asleep right next to me rn and my dog is cuddling next to me too. I am so fucking happy. I have so much to worry about but right now I just feel so loved.

Realized that I need FFS, but it seems my options are to either risk going to a cheap surgeon or save up for several years in order to afford going to one of the more reputable clinics. Being trans under capitalism is just so great…

Starting to feel a little nipple pain. It feels quite early but the doctor said it can start at two weeks so I guess that’s normal since I’m at like 3. I’m just gonna assume the actual growth takes a while.

I am very very excited and can’t stop thinking about it all the time though. Especially since it’s the first tangible change I’ve noticed outside of libido stuff which was instant and felt more like the Spiro than the Estro to me.

I asked my friends and family to call me they/them. I went by any pronouns for a while, but people just defaulted to what they were already used to, which didn’t feel quite right. They’re all cool about it, but still getting used to it.

Gonna happypost a little - nine years on from starting hormones, I’m pretty pleased with myself & my life.

In some ways it kind of feels like I haven’t changed dramatically, because I don’t do makeup or dress fancy like all the freshly-trans transfemmes do, but I also feel very chill. I have shed my personally-unhealthy compulsion towards aggressively feminine clothes and commonly wear jeans and oversized men’s tees, or just loose flannels/button ups. I dress for a balance of comfort and aesthetic, and the resulting androgynous-leaning-femme look is something I like. I don’t even wear a bra most days, because they’re UNCOMFORTABLE AND SUCK! I basically dress like a tomboy I guess, and it feels so good.

I share a home with my wife who I love, I’ve been out full-time for the entire time I’ve been on hormones, and shockingly I am building a small social circle of queer people online, which is not something I’ve ever had before. I’m working through issues around being asexual, I love myself & my body, I’m happy being autistic in my own space. Who I am now is who 15-year-old me desperately wanted to be. I am my own goals from a decade ago.

Also I’m gonna read Blackshirts & Reds this coming week which is gonna be awesome.

Day n of questioning whether I’m ace

Gonna have my yearly checkup tomorrow, time to see if they were telling the truth about gel being exactly the same as patches when they denied my request for a premature blood test cause supply issues forced me to make a switch.

Also gonna see if they make a comment about my chest this time, so far Im pretty sure Ive received some sort of comment about it every year.

Took like 2 months but I’m finally out to my immediate family as trans

Just sittin here twiddling my thumbs waiting for bottom surgery clinic to finally take me on as a patient and get on their wait list. I’m waiting to wait, ugh.

awaagh