[CW: discussion of letting go internalized NBphobia and transphobia]

Started dating gay men again after accepting androgyny as my current gender goal. Like in my heart, I know I am a trans woman, but the years I spent living as such were more miserable than the ones I spent as actively closeted.

For a long time, I struggled with this reactionary NBphobia centered around the thought ‘I am only NB because I don’t feel safe as a binary trans woman; there is not a legitimate non-binary identity.’ After a lot of guilt and introspection, I have let go of this sentiment and love being an androgynous fairy!

I think an analogous incorrect thought process many people have is ‘many people are asexual as a trauma response. Therefore asexuality is not something innate-legitimate like homo-sexuality. Therefore it is not a legitimate orientation///it can be “”“fixed”“”’ This is a product or an extension of the ‘born this way’ narrative many trans people were/are forced to tell to gain any toleration from cishet society. It was one that had left deep scars on my psyche.

In actuality, what really matters is ‘where you are now’: what gender you are actually living as, what sexuality you are actually experiencing. Right now, I am not a trans woman. Right now, I AM non-binary and mainly read as a grungy femme gay man. Right now, that is the closest to my ‘legitimate’ gender that I can feel safe in living.

It’s great! I love my trans boyfriend. I like the casual sensuality I am able to have with cis gay dudes. I feel safe at night and in public in ways I did not as an obviously trans woman.

Whereas previously some amount of that was projected outwards or inflected how I viewed other queers, now I have mostly let go of self judgement and let go of the reactionary social attitudes that were necessary to justify my self-loathing and discomfort.

It’s good to be me. It’s good to be gay. It’s good to be queer.