I once tried to participate in the local socialist party. I had to put a lot of effort into hunting them down and getting their contact information. They were so paranoid of feds and cops they thought my proactiveness was suspicious. A couple meetings later I’m criticising them for their parania and cowardice especially towards the working class. They tell me they actually were infiltrated once. I ask them how they knew; they said the guy looked like a cop and was a little gruff. He was probably just some guy who didn’t understand their language and wanted to engage with them the same way he was used to engaging with people.

All of that work to be a part of a reading circle headed by an anti Soviet old guard who took their orders from New York.

Not to be totally critical. I liked a good amount of them. I ended up leaving the state for a month on family business, and wasn’t in a good enough place to immediately participate in their weekly meetings. By the time I was in a better position I wasn’t comfortable with their exclusivity to push my way back in.

It’s hard being isolated in such a major part of my identity. It would be better to be a part of an organized community, but everyone is afraid of their own shadow. Even if there was an attempted so many of us are so desocialized we’d foil ourselves, no cops needed.