Good morning from Texas! My family set-up is: my father, my mother (his wife), his “main” girlfriend and 2 “secondary” girlfriends which get changed usually every 2-3 years. Yes, we all live together in the same house - though it’s a big house - so it doesn’t feel crowded. It’s not a religious thing at all, we’re atheists.
This is not polyamory. This is polygamy. They’re pretty much opposites, because polyamory is about multi partner relations that respect the needs and wants of all of the participants.
Polygamy on the other hand, is only about the freedom of one person (usually a man), and actively restricts the rights of the other participants.
Are your Fathers’ partners (including your mother) also allowed to have other lovers?
No.
You say there’s a hierarchy. By that you probably also mean a ranking order among the women in terms of interactions that don’t involve your father?
I assume that your mother being the “chosen one” seems fulfilled in this arrangement? What about the main and secondary girlfriends?
I’m sorry but I don’t really understand the first question. Could you please clarify? Thanks. Yeah, she seems and looks fulfilled and is very happy. The main and secondary women also seem pleased. In my opinion it’s because dad is a no nonsense straight to the point kind of man, so they know what their “place” is from the start. The main one knows my dad won’t divorce or whatever and the secondary ones know they are to be replaced eventually; from the very beginning. So you either take the deal or move on.
What did your father do to get into this arrangement and how do I follow in his footsteps?
change ur username as first step 😂
Or not.
$$$, taking care of himself physically and having an attractive personality would be my guess.
So is your father the money maker in the home, or does everyone work and bring in money? Curious about the economics of that
You’re the only kid? Has this been the setup your whole life? Are there any ground rules or is that part of their life more of private thing you were insulated from?
Yes, I’m the only child. Yes. I wasn’t insulated at all, it was pretty much an integral part of my life. As for ground rules: mom (his wife) was the only one allowed to parent me, I called the other women by their first name, mom and dad always shared a bedroom, with the main girlfriend joining most of the time, but she has her separate bedroom. The “temporary” girlfriends as I call them have their own bedroom and as far as I can remember never slept in the master bedroom. Overall the whole thing is very hierarchical looking at it now. I’m on good terms with everybody.
Are your mother and the other women also allowed to/interested in having other relationships?
No.
So then when you say poly, you mean polygamy/polygyny (though he isn’t married to them all), rather than polyamory?
To be fair I said just “poly” because I genuinely have no idea which term is most appropriate since polygamy / polygyny involves marriage with multiple women…
That’s fair enough, don’t worry about it.
The reason I ask though, is that there is a difference, and I do think it’s something that you’d benefit from exploring critically, not with a bunch of strangers online, but with yourself in your own time as you grow older and start forming your own relationships (I saw you mention that you’re monogamous yourself, that’s cool, this is less about that though and more about recognising potential imbalances in relationships in general, and the issues those can cause).
And just to be clear - I’m not assuming there is anything wrong or unhealthy or anything like that about your family, non-nuclear/“traditional” families are perfectly valid, and I essentially know nothing about you and your lives. But I do know that we live in a society where men and women aren’t treated or socialised equally, and that recognising this and how it impacts on our lives is both important and beneficial, even if slightly uncomfortable at times. E: and to be even more clear, this is an examination we all can benefit from doing, since all our relationships are impacted.
Are the women attracted to each other, or only your father?
Also has the “main girlfriend” ever been switched? What’s your relationship like with her if she’s not allowed to parent you?
I didn’t see your second question. No, she has been a long term partner. She’s like a cool aunt, the temporary gfs are more like older female friends. I’m definitely closest with her.
Thanks for your answers.
I have a follow-up question. How do you view relationships now? If you are to get in a relationship, would you prioritise a poly one or a monogamous one?
I prefer mono, but wouldn’t mind poly. To explain: I want to be exclusive (don’t want multiple partners), but wouldn’t mind my partner having other partners as long as they prioritize me. Like my mom’s relationship with my dad.
I’m fairly certain only to my father. I never asked straight up, but I never saw them act affectionate with one another the way they do with my dad in my entire life, so… I’ll take that as proof.
Did you ever have problems with teachers or other outside people?
No. I never mentioned it out of the blue in public, cause to me it was just my normal, so I didn’t feel the need to. But when people found out about it, they reacted mostly just with curiosity & surprise. Some people were judgy, but I never had someone be outright hostile about it.
What is your gender or was your gender growing up, and do you believe your parents’ arrangement might have influenced you differently or at all if you had been the opposite gender?
