This is a throwaway because I legitimately feel like a huge pos for making this post. So let me start off with saying:
I know I am 100% in the wrong here and I want to change it. I am grateful for every help I can get. Feel free to rip into me but I really want to change the way I think but I don’t know how.
I have had troubles with finding a partner for forever. Only thing I ever did with someone was making out with a girl at a party but nothing beyond that. I also never had a relationship and I am in my mid 20’s. Up until a week that is. I got into a friends with benefits situation with one of my closest friends. She knew I was completely inexperienced and took my viriginity.
Ever since that happend it has been great. I am at her place as much as possible and we both really, really, really like each others company. I sincerely mean it when I say I enjoy every minute with her as long as it is with her.
And she feels very similar. I think she might like me even more than I do her and that means a lot. We have both acknowledged that we are drifting towards a relationship but she is a lot more outgoing about it than I am. Because I have some hang ups I need your advice on.
She had a lot of bad experiences in her life and bears a lot of scars from it (both physically and mentally). I don’t want to get into it tooooo much but [CW:SA] an ex-boyfriend tried to choke her to death and one of her grandparents raped her multiple times (and her family blamed her for it etc.). She had A LOT of different relationships and flings over the years and while some were good or even great for a while, it turned all to shit for her eventually. I was around for the fallout(s) for the last years and I sincerely think it wasn’t her fault, she just had very bad taste in guys apparently.
She repeatedly told me no other guy she was ever with treated her has nice as I do. Which makes me feel even worse for what I am to type.
I am really attracted to her personality and what’s in her head but I do not have a lot of attraction for her body and I feel horrible because of that.
I am a bit of a gym rat. I work out 4 times a week, track pretty much every crum I ingest and I am pretty jacked. And while going to the gym started as a way to improve my chances at finding a partner in the past, it is now something that I really enjoy doing just for the sake of doing it. I want to stay fit, healthy and active for as long as possible in my life.
She isn’t. In fact she is in very bad shape, with other words: very overweight. I know why that is the case. With what she went through again and again it makes absolute sense that she needed an outlet and couldn’t be bothered with staying at a healthy weight. And she is ready to loose weight. She actively asked me if she can workout with me. And I highly appreciate it. I want to help her get more healthy and it’s amazing she shows so much initiative. So I am positive that she can reach her fitness goals with me.
She is also a big fucking nerd just like me and has very similar taste in music and shows which is amazing as well.
But I am afraid of the future. I am afraid that if I start dating her now I end up regretting it later in life.
I am afraid I will regret never having had a “hot” girlfriend and that I will be judged by my pears and family for my choice of partner but on the other side I literally never met someone like her my entire life. I never had a relationship because I never met a girl that I got along with enough. The chemistry just wasn’t there. But it is there with her and I want her in my life so bad.
There is also the issue paying the bills and getting children. I recently left my well paid corporate job for a significantly less paid job that I really, really, really love. The pay isn’t horrible and if both of us had roughly the same pay we could pay the bills without many troubles but she has a minimum wage job and her chances of getting out are really slim. She has no A level and didn’t go to college. It’s not her fault. She is on the spectrum and has ADHD so school or university wasn’t really her world. And she isn’t dumb either the education system just wasn’t able to accommodate for her. We would get around well enough for the time being but with everything going to shit in the west I don’t know how long we can manage. I do have the chance to get better pay in the future but I am not sure if the same is true for her.
Which leads me to my last point. I always wanted to be a father but this is pretty much out the window if we get together. Due to a birth defect her ovaries are non functional. Which wouldn’t be a problem for me since I am also more than open for adopting but she can’t bring herself to ever adopt or see children since her crazy religious family drilled into her head that she is not a woman since she can’t bear children. Having a child in her life would make her fell constantly lesser and she can’t cope with that.
I obviously don’t want her to feel that way. All I want her to feel is happiness and help her make up for all of the shit that happend in her life earlier + with the money situation being the way it is having a child isn’t a good idea anyway.
So yeah TL:DR: I am in my mid twenties and are getting into my first relationship ever with a girl I have known for years and have strong feelings for but I am deathly afraid of making a mistake and regretting it later in life. My main hang ups being her weight, her minimum wage job and her inability to have children.
Was anyone here ever in a similar situation? What can I do? I don’t want to loose her but I don’t want to wake up one day and think “Damn I fucked up.” either.
P.S. I don’t blame her for any of the faults I mentioned. Her circumstances are the fault of capitalism and a fucked up child hood. There is nothing she could have done about it under this system and with her family.
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He said he likes her mind and personality, it doesn’t sound like it’s just a matter of sex. He doesn’t seem shallow at all, a shallow person would not have made it this far. While society might, yes, for example make fatphobia a terrible thing, ultimately we cannot change who we are attracted to, or what traits we are attracted or unattracted by. I do agree being in love with someone can make anything and everything about them more attractive but love can only do so much.
It may come off crude to flippantly air other peoples crazy bad traumas but I understand the urge to want to talk about it, at least this is a tucked away and anonymous place.
Isn’t there a disparity between him saying that he’s not attracted to her, and clearly still being able to have sex with her?
Maybe I’m too influenced by my own experiences - I used the same lines in similar situations when I was younger. When I met a partner I actually liked it was starkly different.
Probably varies. I know I basically forced myself to have sex in a lot of situations last year, and there were moments where I felt an attraction to them, enough to make some of such actions sincere, but I had to eventually come to terms with the fact that, overall, I wasn’t attracted to them, even if with some of them I had sex a dozen times.
I can imagine being a touch-starved virgin would also make having sex with nearly anybody very easy, just like my emotional volatility led me to do things with people I rationally could have told you ahead of time I wasn’t into.
I think this is all so personal, it’s hard for us not to be pulling from our personal experience. People don’t talk about sex enough. I barely even know anything about my best friend and what he likes or doesn’t like.
That’s actually very relatable to me.
Maybe I’m being a little harsh to him. It’s hard to not pull from my own experiences and end up responding with young-me in mind and not the OP.
To be fair, they did also ask to be unfucked, I think both harshness and gentleness from different people can help build a broader understanding. He should understand that, yes, these sort of things will deeply upset some people, you are perfectly valid in your reaction to it. There was no name calling, you restrained yourself quite well.
I myself projected my own past self onto OP and thus felt to leap to his defense. We’re all just playing out our own pasts, huh?
Much love.
Much love, homie. Glad for your perspective!
Yours too 💗
Being with someone you like and have actual chemistry with is not comparable with hookups with other people, even if they’re hotter. In my opinion, since you’re clearly attracted to her you shouldn’t look for another partner. Also, if she enjoys your company as much as you do, then she will be more motivated to lose weight. Your fitness knowledge will help her even more with this.
HOWEVER, I staunchly disagree with the sentiment in the comments regarding kids. This is something you should consider very early on in the relationship, especially since you’re in your mid-20s and not, say, 18 or 20 years old. With a partner that also wants kids, you could have your first child in 5 years. What are you going to do 5 years from now if you’re still with her and she still doesn’t want kids? You’ll have to either give up on being a father, or leave a long-term relationship to search for a partner with similar views on this matter.
You don’t have to have the same view regarding children at this stage, just a similar or compatible one. One that absolutely wants kids and one that absolutely does not is not a compatible relationship and you’re setting it up for failure.
I think that just by making this post, you already know how this is going to play out.
Well, you’re both a bit broken, aren’t you?
A relationship is building a third entity together. Not a child, a couple. Your calendars, habits, tastes will align very much.
Sex can be figured out later. If it’s too boring you can find ways to spice it up. Not every relationship has to be monogamic, mature couples can figure something out.
I would say: keep talking, keep aligning expectations, keep opening up and being vulnerable with one another, keep true to yourself and one another, keep the respect up.
Algo, go to therapy. Both of you, separately, and both of you together, if possible at all. You’ve got a lot to unwind, but the journey of unfucking yourselves is very gratifying.
Later in life, everyone will be old and ugly. You’ll both be healthy, happy and in shape, bu working well together. Play the long game, make your own goals, and win for yourselves. Not for anyone else’s notion of winning.
Good luck. :)
One thing i’ve learned as i’ve gotten older is that oftentimes we are our own worst enemy when we get too in our heads about things. Sometimes we just need to let go of our preconceptions and the fantasies that we have constructed of an idealized version of our lives and how we wish things were instead of how they are. Just enjoy things for what they are. Take it one day at a time. It works out for as long as it works out, and when for whatever reason it doesn’t anymore then you move on while trying to your best to leave as little damage behind as possible, and hopefully both you and the other person will have gained something positive from the experience. Just be honest about your intentions or lack thereof. Everything else can be solved if there is the will to do so.
CFG with the bangers as usual
Dude chill you’re not marrying this person. Has she hinted at anything close to marriage/long term? You’re like 10 steps ahead. If you do end up spending years together nothing you posted is insurmountable.
Be cool baby 😎
But I am afraid of the future. I am afraid that if I start dating her now I end up regretting it later in life.
I suggest enjoy the relationship as it is now rather than imagining how it will be in the future. It’s not like you have proposed so it’s way too early to think about your combined incomes and stuff.
Chemistry is pretty important. Beauty can fade. You could drop her and get some hot girl and she could stop going to the gym and genetics and bad eating could hit her like a truck and the memories of her being hot I would think wouldn’t be enough to sustain a relationship like that. With time without chemistry the hottest person in the world IMO isn’t going to be worth coming home to if you can’t share things, if you don’t feel that bond, that spark, that magic.
I’d say at the very least try to support her as a friend. You’re both young enough that your minds can change on things like children. Have you considered for example the amount of work you’d have to put in as a father or were you imagining children as something a woman would take care of for you and you’d just have the fun parts? Her position especially seems one born of serious trauma and might be something that with counseling, with a healthy space, that she can overcome.
I know you probably know this but it bears saying anyways that love and relationships aren’t all sunshine. They’re sacrifice, pain, shared burdens, conflict resolution, etc.
I can’t speak as to what you should do other than the fact if you feel such a spark, even if a romantic relationship isn’t in the cards perhaps being best friends is. Given all she’s gone through I’m sure she could use your support as a friend at least.
With luck her going to the gym, working out, getting fit will fire that spark of physical attraction you need. Worth a shot at least and you can go from there. Healthier bodies also lead to healthier minds so helping her with that will probably put her in a better place in terms of mental health, self-image, etc to start to move past childhood traumas.
Polysecure / Polywise, and other books exist.
The core of them are that there are multiple alternatives to the default diadic two person relationship. The alternative are easier to handle with awareness of attachment styles, that we can be nets of support, nurture and care for each other, but that we aren’t able to fix other people and that when idea and reality clash reality wins.
Plenty of queer cuties are living in family and relationship networks that are not only of two people and if you want to be part of parenting a kid, that is possible. Even being a parent/dad/mother is possible, both via the sexual way or with medical support or due to a social setting.
There are plenty of ways to live. It is likely good to figure out what role you would like to have in your relationship and it likely isn’t that of therapist (which likely wouldn’t work in any case due to the double role). So outside support and transparent relationship styles might be good for you.
A week is very early and it is understandable to have thoughts when it is your first relationship. Keep talking with external support systems.
You don’t have to shoulder your own stuff alone, neither have you to shoulder their stuff alone, neither do the both of yours have to shoulder stuff alone.
Anyone Interested in learning about the “perks” of polyamory should check out the second to last episode of ‘shoeless in South Dakota,’ before diving into a book.
You mean this one? It’s nearly three hours. I do absolutely agree that it is dangerous to oversell poly, but both work with attachment styles if combined with materialism as well as reframing ones relationship ideas is good. Again plenty of people are living realities that aren’t as they are sold to us, queer and non queer alike.
https://sites.libsyn.com/476973/the-boys-get-reeducated-shoeless-in-a-polycule
Yes, that one. Relationships are hard in general and especially under capitalism. Polyamory seems to have its up and downsides. It’s possible to be better than a monogamous relationship now, and vice versa. IMO socialism would make it way easier either way, but especially polyamory.
You should relax. Just let the relationship evolve naturally, there’s no point worrying about children since you are still very young. Even if you don’t end up marrying, it doesn’t mean it was a bad relationship or a waste of time. Try to learn to be a good boyfriend, and enjoy.
💜
spoiler
I will first and foremost echo others and say the best thing you can do is just enjoy it for what it is and live a day at a time with it.
Listen man, I spent 7 years, age 19-26, my entire adult life, my entire life outside of the home, in one relationship. I poured everything into it. It was destroyed completely, I lost everything we had built. And while it was a fiery hell to get through it, I don’t regret it. Just like I don’t regret when I dated a narcissist, or someone who bullied me and purposefully sabotaged my high school social life. I’ve been with a girl who was 90 pounds, and a girl who was 450 pounds. I don’t regret either. I don’t regret having random flings last year, most of which were big wastes of time and money and eroded my self esteem. I don’t regret falling in love again a few months ago just for them to leave me because they’re too suicidal to be with me. I just don’t.
No matter what path you choose, there will always be something to regret. OR, you can look at it as, no matter what you choose, there will be good and bad and maybe even great or terrible; either way, it will be an experience that you will grow and evolve from. Your life can be colorful and enriching no matter which direction you choose.
Other than that:
I think it is cool that they express a desire to lead a healthier life, however. You might need to accept that this might happen, or it might not. Would you consider it wasted if you dated and experienced love but she never lost weight? Losing weight, especially a significant amount of weight, especially a significant amount of weight while carrying severe trauma and having a poor financial situation, this is NOT easy. I understand you being mad at yourself and not wanting to be fatphobic, but as I said below, love and unlearning Americanism can only manipulate who we are primally attracted to so much. Ultimately one hoped she is motivated to help herself, not just to try and beautify herself for you–this would be a bad recipe.
The kid issue sounds like, well, an issue, but as others have said, just relax, you shouldn’t try to knock up your first girlfriend in the opening honeymoon anyways 😅
All in all, I would just reiterate: you are not doomed to regret if you choose to give it a shot. I think the experience would be a very good idea–even if it doesn’t work out, for this reason or that reason (and that’s okay! Shit happens!), you will discover things about yourself, about romance, about other people, about how to love and be loved, you will discover things you like and don’t like, you will get practice with everything from compromise to kissing.
My only advice in closing? Try not to get pregnant so fast 🤣 with her, or anyone. Trust me, I get it, love makes us stupid, I would have dropped my entire life and moved a continent away for my most recent relationship, and I would have done it within the first month. My 7 year relationship? We moved in together on day three. So I have NO room to judge. But a baby? That’s not so easy to shrug off if things don’t work out, especially, as you point out, with how dire things are becoming here in the West.
Don’t be too hard on yourself, you sound like a very empathetic person and you illustrate a great understanding of how trauma fucks people over.
Take it easy my friend. Relax. Enjoy it, whether it’s a gentle boat ride or a rollercoaster or a bit of both. Nothing is wasted. Best fortune to you.
agree regret is counterproductive but don’t have kids until you are with someone you are genuinely fascinated by, for a long enough period of time to be reasonably confident that it is real because leaving after the fact - even if it is the correct move - fucking sucks
judged by my pears
Yeah… pears are some snooty fuckers…
Also… first relationships don’t have to last forever. As others has commented, you like this person, you enjoy being with them, so just enjoy the now.
That’s off topic, but I like your nickname 😂
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