I really don’t feel like existing anymore. I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts for years now. I used to be 50%50 on killing myself. One hand it’s such a liberating thought. If I died then it will all be over and all my problems or go away but on the other hand I what if something good happens to me in the future? or what about all the other things I already enjoy?.
Sometimes I think things can get better but other times I think, how? I feel like I wasn’t designed for life. Life is a game that I’m losing no matter what. A game didn’t even choose to play btw. I feel beat down all I want to get myself a big box of pizza, a bunch of booze and overdose on cocaine.
I work slow too. Part of what has helped me is accepting things like that about myself. I will tell people “just FYI I am not a fast worker, but I will do a careful and thorough job”. Now, you ought to try your best to actually do a careful and thorough job! Being open, patient and friendly also go a long way. I am in IT now, but I have done a lot of different kinds of work. Some of the best (and highest paid) carpenters I met were very slow workers, but they did such good work, that they always stayed busy.