I just can’t. When it started, I followed everything. I read up on it. I followed the news. I tried to reason with the people in my life. With some, I succeeded. Others, not so much.

But as this has carried on, I’ve distanced myself more. Every time I open Twitter or tiktok and see the videos and the comments and the news my heart just breaks and I have to close the app. The less said about Reddit the better. I’d still follow it, and still try to counter the irl propaganda, but not as much. I started watching old shows and other stuff. I needed to get my mind off it. That’s what it was for the past week. A conflict is happening. Innocents are dying. You donate, you support irl when there are protests, you counter some propaganda but you try to live your life.

But since today I’ve not been able to do anything. I can’t cook. I can’t talk. I break down into sobs. opening the apps or reading the news leaves me paralysed. The entire day all I did was move from the bed to the sofa. There is a genocide happening and I can’t do anything. I can’t get my mind off it. All our governments are supporting it. I knew, of course, that this happened in the past. Even this century. But seeing it happen in front of your eyes is… I just can’t.

I don’t know how journalists at places like Al Jazeera or online steamers like Hasan have been able to cover this news for the past 20 days. Above them, I don’t understand the bravery and courage and I don’t even know, the human spirit, of Palestinians, who’ve survived and continue to survive.

I’m not religious or spiritual but I wish and hope and pray that there is a heaven for everyone who has suffered and a hell for every Zionist and imperialist who has cheered on this genocide.

  • birdcatEnglish
    14·
    1 year ago

    but how? I’ve lost literally all motivation and wish I had the courage to end it. I cannot read, watch movies, talk, work, clean my home, pet my cat, eat, go out, play games, play guitar, write, it’s all gone. when I was young I often asked myself what i would have done during the nazi/holocaust time. now there is an ongoing genocide, the world is cheering on it, and I’m not able do anything at all for others or myself. I need modalfinil to get out of bed, then I need diazepam to not freak out and get panic attacks. then I need alcohol to not go completely crazy. how to pull away Emotionally when it infested every thought and feeling and sense of identity I ever had. today I didn’t even read any news and still woke up crying for 20 minutes straight before I went on with what I just described.

    • FourteenEyes [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
      21·
      1 year ago

      You’re deep in depression now and no pithy advice I give you can dig you out of it. I would say that combining alcohol with diazepam and modalfinil is just a terrible fucking idea though, it pretty much negates the effects of your meds. Quit drinking and you’ll probably see some improvement after a few days. Maybe smoke weed instead?

      Or better yet, is there someone in your life that you can reach out to for help and support, like, have them there with you physically? Having someone to share the burden could help.

    • macerated_baby_presidents [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
      5·
      1 year ago

      Don’t wake up with moda that sucks. Be good to your body. If you kill yourself that’d be no good to anybody, least of all you. Please take whatever small steps you can to help yourself feel better, things that are within your grasp right now. Take caffeine instead of moda and melatonin instead of alcohol. I wrote up some suggestions, but it sounds like they may not be things you can do right now.

      Like my friends I go to the marches that change nothing, write and call my representatives, etc. Personally I am going to give new-to-me local orgs the old college try, and if they suck or don’t accept me, shrug and start researching for adventurism. Kind of like how suicidal people feel a sense of relief once they have a plan. I’m so furious and resentful that nothing I learn about Gaza will change my opinion, so what’s even the point of learning more and more details. Before (well, concurrently with) Palestine there have been other genocides. We are living in the fourth reich.

      I was recently (3 weeks ago) struggling with getting out of bed in the mornings, half-assing my work and stressing about it as a result, and compulsively using my phone for 6+ hours a day. I did some reading and currently think of discipline as like a muscle. You get a limited out of exertion out of it until you have to rest. But you can train it, by doing things that are uncomfortable but not enough to completely exhaust you. So you should structure your day to require as few “hard choices” as possible, and add some back in to challenge you in an achievable way. For the last couple weeks I’ve been getting up at 8am or earlier, which is a big change for me, logging more work hours, and getting more personal tasks done after work. Progress is not uniform but I’ve felt better off. Some things I have been doing

      • Vastly reduce screen time. Unfortunately I have a computer job so I can’t completely remove myself from temptation. I installed an app to lock my phone except for 12-1pm (lunch) and 5-6pm (dinner) and limits total time to 1 hour. There’s a complicated password that I have to retrieve from my gun safe if I need to unlock the restrictions for, e.g., google maps in the evening or a 2FA password at work.
      • Consistent wakeup time every day (weekends and weekdays the same). The body gets used to it and will wake up on its own if you are getting enough hours of sleep. But you need to jump start the habit. This requires:
      • Consistent bedtime. I’m actually up well past my bedtime tonight and will pay for it in the morning. Might get a coffee. Our bodies evolved to give us a little rush of energy when the sun went down, so we can “set up camp” to sleep safely. They have not evolved since electric light was invented. Schedule a bedtime that gives you 8 hours of sleep. 60-90m before that, wind down whatever you’re doing, take melatonin, and start getting ready for bed. Read a book if you have some extra time. No screens. Half an hour before your scheduled bedtime, you should be in bed with the lights off.
      • Cold shower in the morning to try to practice discipline. This doesn’t help me wake up or anything and there’s no health benefits. It’s unpleasant but it will not hurt you, it’s not that different from swimming in a lake anyway, you should be able to do it, etc etc. To make it easier on myself, I got a nice shower speaker and I always eat a meal before my shower so I am not too cold. There’s a nice little rush once you prove to yourself that you can do difficult things. It’s similar to how I feel before and after deadlifting.
      • “Mandatory” meal times. I’m prone to just continuing to work or type or whatever as I get hungry, and by the time I’m so hungry I can’t focus on whatever I’m doing I also struggle to make myself cook. Now I get up from my work at noon and 5pm and cook. It helps that the phone dopamine hit is only available during these hours, and I have to walk to the kitchen to get my phone anyway.