I won’t, but I do. He’s the biggest piece of shit I’ve ever had the misfortune to meet. He has a shitload of apartments, all of poor standard, which he rents out as expensively as possible. When I first moved in I was pretty desperate after years of moving around a lot. I was just tired and wanted a decent place. So, I didn’t examine the apartment as well as I should have, but in my defense, who the hell excepts a cum-wall?

That’s right. One of the walls were entirely covered in cum.

So, I told the landlord. Not really expecting him to do anything about it, but that’s what you do, isn’t it? The response I got was “Too bad, it was your responsibility to notice before you moved in.”

Uh, okay, rude, but you’re not wrong. Fair enough. I let that slide. We can laugh at the cum-wall.

Then I started to hear from my neighbors that he talks shit about me. Seriously. At one point he complained that I was using the houses internet to download all kinds of stuff and I was ruining it for everyone else.

I’ve never used the internet that came with the house! I was never even informed that it existed! Also wtf are you doing talking shit about your renters?

There’s more but the point is just that he’s been very unpleasant, unhelpful, intrusive and rude for the whole two years that I’ve lived here. I am always painfully polite. Always.

So finally we were gonna move out. My bestfriend is very pregnant, she moved back to her childhood home with her fiance. It’s this really beautiful place with a large house, a farm, horses and mountains that hug the whole valley. It’s my favorite place in the world and I’M GOING TO LIVE THERE. I’M GOING TO LIVE RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO MY BESTFRIEND AND I GET TO BE THE FUN AUNT!!! I’m very, very excited. Anyway, we informed him that we were moving and he was like “ok but I want to come look at the apartment” and I was like of course you do you shady motherfucker, I bet you’re looking for any excuse possible to take the deposit. Actually I was like “Sure, how’s Monday?” and then we cleaned the place until it was fucking flawless.

So he shows up. It goes suspiciously well. He tells us we may be able to move as soon as September, but definitely October. Awesome! We might already have moved by the time bff has the baby!

We tell him about the mold in the basement. It’s on our boxes. It’s bad. He says “yes it is pretty moist in here” and points at our floorboards. Says it’s probably because of the dog. I am malfunctioning. Explain again that we’re talking about the basement. He says something about showing us a different place to store things and fucks off.

Days pass. Our new landlord (my bff’s dad) would like to know exactly when we can move in so he knows what to tell the lady currently renting. I send our landlord an e-mail asking for confirmation.

I got a response. In it he says that I am responsible for the apartment until DECEMBER. As for the mold? “Reminding you that it is your responsibility to keep the space you’re renting clean”

YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT MOLD IS? HOW ABOUT A VERBAL FUCKING AGREEMENT, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS!?

So… how can I make my landlords life a living hell without landing in jail, with debt or making all my neighbors hate me? Does anyone know any reliable curses?