I visited China recently and I had a terrifying experience. I thought the rumors about China’s authoritarianism were exaggerated, but was wrong.

In China, you cannot buy bananas. All bananas go directly to Xi Jinping for his personal supply (he doesn’t even like bananas, he just likes the thought of no one else having them).

You might be thinking to yourself “But Dirt_Owl, I’ve seen photos of Chinese grocery stores that show bananas.” Sorry, you’re being deceived by Xi’s careful propaganda.

You see, those aren’t bananas…

I discovered this the hard way. On my first night in China, I was sleeping on my uncomfortable hotel bed (beds in China are made from rusty old scrap metal), when heard my window slowly creak open.

“W-who’s there?!” I stammered

Then my eyes adjusted to the darkness and I saw him standing next to my bed, it was President Xi.

“It’s me, cracker!” He said racistly. “You foolish Westerners think you rule the world. Soon the supreme leader of Earth will be me! But first, I’ll take your manhood!” and then he ripped my dick off and backflipped out of the window, laughing into the night.

You see, once a month everyone in China gets an unannounced visit from Xi Jinping. He climbs in through the window while people sleep and steals their penis. The stolen penises are displayed in grocery stores as bananas to trick Westerners into thinking Chinese people have normal food. It’s all a lie. It’s all penises.

I haven’t seen mine since that fateful night. Xi’s terrifying smile will haunt me for the rest of my life.

It could happen to you.