So update from a few months ago (probably more than a few at this point) but I’m still in name purgatory. I have a name that I use now, and a name that I used before that one, both outside of the original deadname. However, I don’t really like either of them, and any names I come up with myself can’t seem to stick, don’t feel like they fit 1/2 the time, or both. So, a solution: have other people come up with names for me! However, this doesn’t always work, and more serves as a brainstorming process. My mom already did it, and a lot of the names, if not all of them after reading the books she got them from, didn’t fit. My sister has now come up with a list and given it to me. It’s a lot smaller, but she’s also not at all afraid of showing her bias. There’s one name in particular that she really likes for me, and she made that quite obvious. I think I’m going to sit down with her tomorrow and pick one of them to use, at least for a few months (and I’ll probably pick another one as well, as a “middle” name but actually more of a second name). If it doesn’t stick, rinse and repeat, but I hope something manages to stick eventually. I don’t know why I really struggle to identify with names, and it’s not exactly something new to transition either. Don’t ask me to come up with usernames for myself, I really struggle to and it ends up being something basic (like Luna), or something basic (like AshenWolf), and I could not for the life of me pick something more fitting. It’s either just a name that happens to be moon in spanish that ended up being a funny Fire Emblem reference, or AshenWolf, another Fire Emblem reference.

I ended up going on a bit of a tangent, and I’m going to keep going, but I think I have a lot of issues with a static identity. I feel like I’m always changing based on the situation, putting on different masks (not necessarily positive or negative) and becoming different people depending on who might handle the situation best. It’s why I’m always changing my pronouns, profile picture, etc. I’m trying something new with using two accounts on here, one with she/her pronouns and one with she/they pronouns and switching based on how I feel or what persona I feel like posting with. I’m going to be honest, things like username, profile picture, even previous history, affect how I post. Luna is a certain persona, and AshenWolf is another, and it’s quite weird how sending one thing from one account just feels wrong on the other. I guess that’s another reason for changing profile pictures so much, maybe.

Regardless, and because I’m just going to ramble and repeat my points, I’m sure I’ll find a name, or even a couple, that will stick. For now though, it feels like the usernames (Luna, AshenWolf + variations like Ash) stick better than names for me, but I also don’t know if I could see myself using them as IRL names, and not just for opsec reasons. Okay I’m done now, hopefully you all don’t think the accounts talking to you have been frauds, despite a lack of concrete identity and the persona talk I assure you that they’re not and they’re both genuine parts of me.

If you somehow made it to the end, thanks for reading this wacky vent of a wall of text.