i hate to add to the posts of mentally unwell users venting their thoughts and detailing their experiences, but i have nowhere else to turn and nobody in my life to talk in depth with. therapists are impossible to secure and the last one told me i’d benefit from an existential specialist but there isn’t one anywhere near me.

every day i wake up i wish i hadn’t. passive suicidal ideation is at an all-time high for me it seems, but i’ve used that phrasing before and they can’t all be the ultimate. however, it feels that strong to me. it’s a powerfully soul crushing sensation. i don’t want to be alive anymore. i want to die. i simply can’t cause it myself, unfortunately.

the things others often say to suicidal people don’t feel significant or relevant enough to keep me here. “think of your loved ones,” “think of the pain you’ll cause,” “think of those who will miss you,” “think of your pets,” etc. well… i’ll be dead. what the fuck do i care? they’ll all die eventually too and leave someone sad who loved them. death is inescapable and unavoidable and is always devastating to someone. asking me to live in misery because it’ll be too hard to mourn my loss sounds like a lot of not-my-problem.

i hope i get hit by a car every time i walk or drive on the road. sometimes i imagine myself swerving into a wall or crashing into a concrete barrier. occasionally, i’ll complete the fantasy with a swift jerk to the stirring wheel almost like a practice session.

i want this to be over. i would’ve never chosen life if the choice was offered and i’m in a 13 year long relationship with a guy i refer to as my other half. i wouldn’t be anything without him and i’d still choose to remain non-living in the void.

i don’t know what the purpose of this post is. it’s not like i’ve said what makes me depressed. honestly, it feels too personal to discuss and there’s no solution, so… why bother.

anyway, if you’re feeling similarly you aren’t alone and i’m sorry you’re struggling.