There’s a comrade on Twitter, a youngster, who is an extremely, extremely dedicated reader of theory, who is repulsed by fictional and entertainment media on account of it almost universally being created by and harboring bourgeois-ridden thoughts, while also fearing it on account of it being counter-insurgency much like TVs were used to pacify and distract black prisoners in San Quentin from revolutionary action.

This caused me to have self-reflection. Should she be an example to follow? Should we forsake or move towards forsaking all media consumption aside from theory as she does lest we waste our time on commodities that many of the people we fight for have don’t have the privilege of enjoying? For we still have much work ahead of us. Indeed, I have seen for myself people mellowing out after fighting politically online and then focusing more on their hobbies (for better or worse, of course, many of them held poor political positions and were better off silent). But to her, her hobbies and politics are one in the same. It’s all she does, and she claims to not get burnout. She condemns the use of distractions to disengage for the sake of mental health for to her, theory and being engaged with politics sustains hers. And she has the exact mental disorders I do (as far as I’m aware). Even acknowledging the both of us grew up under different circumstances, I can’t help but feel an inferiority complex towards her. Perhaps that’s some sort of main character syndrome, the same that drives me to speak at length about my experiences here. But life, especially organization, isn’t a one-person show. I know this, that I can’t be her, and that she can’t be, say, Xi Jinping, but we each have our role to play.

I’m just wondering if I wasted my life. I’ve been playing video games since I was little and thus I thought and focused on them and other fantasy content at the expense of schoolwork that I found uninteresting and rote no matter how badly I was shamed and beaten by the school and my parents for neglecting it. I think back and wonder if I was ruined. This is a phenomenon she fears had affected her generation as she keeps becoming frustrated by her peer’s inabilities to focus on anything. Given all the circumstances, this was of course the only way my life could have gone, but now I wonder if I should really attempt to forsake all my fictional media, all the ties I’ve made with people based on it, to try to consume yet more theory in the hopes that I’ll eventually be repulsed by fiction and I’ll be able to joyfully commit to theory full time as she does. I’m taking a break from media and committing to theory for the time being but I admit, though I’m able to enjoy the theory, the process still has me fearful and sad. Withdrawal symptoms, perhaps? I think about what I can do even if I’m able to be extremely well-versed in theory. As I said, our upbringing are different. She’s able to operate in a big city full of potential comrades, whereas I live in a rural, deserted area where I can’t easily leave and thus I’d have limited ability to spread communism or organize. I also wonder, even if I somehow commit to such a path if she and I won’t actually end up eventually burning out after all. What do you think? Should we stigmatize and caution against consumption of fiction or entertainment?