I really don’t feel like existing anymore. I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts for years now. I used to be 50%50 on killing myself. One hand it’s such a liberating thought. If I died then it will all be over and all my problems or go away but on the other hand I what if something good happens to me in the future? or what about all the other things I already enjoy?.
Sometimes I think things can get better but other times I think, how? I feel like I wasn’t designed for life. Life is a game that I’m losing no matter what. A game didn’t even choose to play btw. I feel beat down all I want to get myself a big box of pizza, a bunch of booze and overdose on cocaine.
If your thoughts are induced by chemical imbalance due to depression or mental disorders, or if you have chronic pain, those are very challenging and no one can offer you help except professionals.
But if your thoughts are induced by life circumstances not related to health, for example your financial situation, family, toxic relationships, loneliness, etc. then life is definitely worth fighting for. Your problems will never go away, you can only hope to increase the quality of your problems, for example going from “I am starving and have nothing to eat”, to “I have my basic needs met but I have no friends” is already a big leap.
The real solution is having systems in place to handle different problems, for example handling conflict, social interactions, and even coping with unexpected loss. Life’s a removed and always will be, but if you can develop these systems through experience, even if it takes years, and discover those small moments of bliss here and there that is what makes life beautiful.