I really don’t feel like existing anymore. I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts for years now. I used to be 50%50 on killing myself. One hand it’s such a liberating thought. If I died then it will all be over and all my problems or go away but on the other hand I what if something good happens to me in the future? or what about all the other things I already enjoy?.

Sometimes I think things can get better but other times I think, how? I feel like I wasn’t designed for life. Life is a game that I’m losing no matter what. A game didn’t even choose to play btw. I feel beat down all I want to get myself a big box of pizza, a bunch of booze and overdose on cocaine.

  • recentSloth43@lemmy.worldEnglish
    12·
    2 days ago

    I don’t know what to say to make you feel better, I’m just an internet stranger. I want to say two things though,

    One, this internet stranger cares about you. A lot. I truly hope you get a better life and have a brighter future. I hope for your suffering to subside. I feel the same for every human, to be honest. I think we’re an amazing species, capable of great things (good and bad), with so much potential for good if only we had better lives. I believe badness comes from broken humans. If they weren’t as broken, their goodness will dominate. So, i care about you. I love you. And I’m sending you a virtual hug.

    Second, i had a friend that killed themselves. Their death broke me for a while, and forever changed my perspective of other’s private lives, and their sufferings. I did know he was suffering. And I’m hoping now he at least gets to rest and not suffer anymore. I loved him and seeing him suffer was bad. But now I’m seeing the other people in his life suffering from his loss. I do wonder what if. What if his life did improve if he didn’t kill himself? What if that’s a selfish way of thinking and i should be happy he’s finally resting? What if his suffering just transferred to others and the sum total is just the same as before, but even more because his absence creates more? I don’t know. All i know is that i miss him and I’d give anything to go back in time, and just use it to spend more time with him. Help however i can. Regardless how he chooses to continue his life.