CW: chapter 2 contains a detailed description of child abuse by a parent
Hello comrades, it’s time for our second discussion thread for The Will to Change, covering Chapters 2 (Understanding Patriarchy) and 3 (Being a Boy). Thanks to everyone who participated last week, I’m looking forward to hearing everyone’s thoughts again. And if you’re just joining the book club this week, welcome!
In Ch.2 hooks defines patriarchy, how it is enforced by parental figures and society at large, and the struggle of antipatriarchal parents to raise children outside of these rigid norms when the border culture is so immersed in them. Ch.3 delves deeper into the effects of patriarchy on young boys and girls and the systemic apparatuses that reinforce gender norms.
If you haven’t read the book yet but would like to, its available free on the Internet Archive in text form, as well as an audiobook on Youtube with content warnings at the start of each chapter, courtesy of the Anarchist Audio Library, and as an audiobook on our very own TankieTube! (note: the YT version is missing the Preface but the Tankietube version has it)
As always let me know if you’d like to be added to the ping list!
Our next discussion will be on Chapters 4 (Stopping Male Violence) and 5 (Male Sexual Being), beginning on 12/11.
Throughout my adult mental health journey i have always struggled with that first session - when they ask about your childhood. Mine was good, great! Both parents and my grandma who lived with us gave me physical affection, encouraged me. I had a pretty good church community, I got to have piano lessons, and my parents were quite involved in my education.
Of course, i was spanked especially as a young child, also by both parents. Generally at the behest of my father, but with the wooden spoon being wielded by both parents at different times. Still, this is really mild especially compared to the abuse they both received as children, so i always felt like i had it good, i felt (and i am) privileged, and didnt understand why i was never emotionally satisfied.
My current therapist as well as getting an ADHD diagnosis has been the best at actually getting through to those childhood feelings. I vividly remember the terror of spankings (in the visual memory, my mom is the one holding the wooden spoon). I somehow learned to cry alone in my room. When i did cry in front of my family, it wasnt taken seriously (i was the youngest, weakest, wimpiest, and just wanted to throw tantrums). As i got older i have so many memories of crying while i was doing chores that i could never get quite right (ADHD and a huge yard meant i always missed some spots when mowing).
When my parents adopted my younger brother, i witnessed it firsthand as an adult - my father struggling for control over him, and my mom capitulating to my dad’s desire to exercise control over him at any cost.
I dont know where to go from here. I am inspired to continue breaking down my emotional walls and be a supportive and supported husband. As we are planning to have kid(s) of our own in the near future, it feels more important than ever. I just want to make sure i am not simply a lesser version of my father. He was “better” than his dad by miles, but the pain of the entrenched patriarchal values that i cant live up to still haunt me, ive never felt entirely open with them, hell i still feel the sting of failure to this day about a lot of things. I dont want to be the same as my father but without spanking and with a bit more “gentle parenting” aesthsetics. I want to raise children that are emotionally healthy, whole, and have the values of helping their community and looking out for others rather than looking to dominate.
Great read as always and i look forward to next week
This exactly how I feel about my dad. My parents never hit me and would never entertain the thought but they were both “old-fashioned” as people say. Dad was the man of the house and you did whatever he said and even in my 30s I still feel an almost unnatural subservience to him.
Im the same and my brother is the same. My “failures” are often things my dad would disapprove from, his disapproval lives in my head rent free.
Although him and my mom have had a ton of family therapy over the past two years with my little brother, so maybe there is room for healing of relationships in the future
All we can do is be better than those before and try to be mindful of your own biases. We can’t be perfect and should just try out best. If you don’t feel that fear you are doing something wrong.