I’m not sure I should start this conversation and I’ve been rewriting this a lot lol. But I could use some relating and opinions from fellow internet leftists

Ok so, to keep it really simple: I happened to share a meal with somebody I really liked. I have interacted casually (no flirting) for about a dozen minutes total and we exchanged contact because of shared-interests (not dating)

Now my brain is fried

I’m thinking about her way too much and it gives be bad vibes, she probably has no idea and I can’t imagine the sheer horror of realising that someone is thinking this much about you after so little interaction.

I want to be a well-behaved straight (kinda bi but that’s beyond the point) guy, I’m trying to be an ally to the feminist cause, so, failing this spectacularly at behaving normally in relation to women disgust me. I know I can’t remove the patriarchy from my body but I damn wish I could.

  • Beetle_O_Rourke@hexbear.netEnglish
    52·
    3 months ago

    /uj Feelings are feelings, only actions cross the line into inappropriate territory. You had a pleasant interaction and got the warm fuzzies, nothing wrong with that. There is also a chance, can’t really say without additional context that this person wanted to date you. I certainly don’t give my contact deets out to everyone I share a cig with.

    /rj how fucking dare you, you must take SSRI to remove all libido or you will go viral as an abuser.

    • Barabas [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
      20·
      3 months ago

      /rj how fucking dare you, you must take SSRI to remove all libido or you will go viral as an abuser.

      Unironically the best bit of me taking SSRIs was the brief period where I lost all my libido. Wouldn’t say it was great if it had continued but it was very novel to be entirely non-horny. Lot of shame and other issues tied to my sexuality so it felt nice to just exist without it for a bit.

    • lil_tank [any, he/him]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
      16·
      3 months ago

      /uj You must be right, I might be overreacting. The subjective experience is very unpleasant but as long as I’m objectively not creeping her I guess it’s alright. Not gonna detail the whole context but evidence suggests that she’s not into me so I’m definitely not making a move. I’ll find a healthy way to cope! (writing a thread on Hexbear is probably one I guess)

      /rj I’ll surrender to the Volcel Police to be sent to the maleness termination facility

      • UlyssesT [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
        8·
        3 months ago

        I’ll surrender to the Volcel Police

        top-cop No need for that. All non-offending forms of identity, orientation, and sexuality are celebrated in the Volcel Police. Our Pride floats are the envy of all of Hexbear.

        • VOLCEL_POLICE [it/its]@hexbear.netBEnglish
          2·
          3 months ago

          The VOLCEL POLICE are on the scene! PLEASE KEEP YOUR VITAL ESSENCES TO YOURSELVES AT ALL TIMES.

          نحن شرطة VolCel.بناءا على تعليمات الهيئة لترويج لألعاب الفيديو و النهي عن الجنس نرجوا الإبتعاد عن أي أفكار جنسية و الحفاظ على حيواناتكم المنويَّة حتى يوم الحساب. اتقوا الله، إنك لا تراه لكنه يراك.

          volcel-police

      • VOLCEL_POLICE [it/its]@hexbear.netBEnglish
        6·
        3 months ago

        The people’s VOLCEL VANGUARD are on the scene! PLEASE RESERVE YOUR PRECIOUS BODILY FLUIDS FOR STRATEGIC ACTS OF MASS REVOLUTIONARY CUMMING!!!

        volcel-vanguard

  • Blockocheese [any]@hexbear.netEnglish
    37·
    3 months ago

    There are no thought crimes.

    If your outward behavior hasn’t changed to make them uncomfortable, you’re beating yourself up over nothing, comrade

    • lil_tank [any, he/him]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
      7·
      3 months ago

      There are no thought crimes.

      As a nineteeneightyfour supporter I have to disagree

      But seriously I do feel like it’s creepy, it’s only my subjective experience and I don’t necessarily feel guilty about it but I do feel wierd and uncomfortable

      • spectre [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
        15·
        3 months ago

        I don’t think we need to jump to extremes to make a point (pedophilia vs an intense crush). I also think that by centering pedophilia outright, you are not going to stimulate any sort of quality discussion on the topic. Anytime it’s brought up it’ll just be an anti-pedo hate sesh, which I’m ok with, but it’s not quality.

        • EmoThugInMyPhase [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
          4·
          3 months ago

          There’s nothing unhealthy about it unless you’re mentally distressed about the sheer act of being attracted to someone or acting impulsively. That’s a whole different issue. Healthy people can fantasize about sex and a future with some stranger and move on with their day without disturbing anyone or themselves

  • GaveUp [she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
    33·
    3 months ago

    Falling this hard after meeting somebody once for a dozen minutes may be more indicative of other personal stuff rather than just being a “creep”

    • bigboopballs [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
      15·
      3 months ago

      Why is everyone so fucking neurotic about this?

      Like why are half the posters in this thread going WHOAAA THAT’S JUST A STEP AWAY FROM BECOMING A PSYCHO STALKER ABUSER

      • FunkyStuff [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
        14·
        3 months ago

        It’s understandable up to a certain point because most men are gross, we suck and there’s constant evidence for that worldview. But I agree that it’s excessive to bring that attitude to a thread where someone who is struggling with a social situation is asking for support and has given us next to no reason to think anything untowards has happened.

      • EmoThugInMyPhase [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
        9·
        3 months ago

        Because people here don’t have positive leftist male role models besides dudes who died decades ago. So you go to the extremes out of ignorance/lack of viewpoints and/or a desire to appear as if you are The One Good Male

    • lil_tank [any, he/him]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
      14·
      3 months ago

      I have dealt with leftism long enough to know that it’s never as simple /s

      But seriously yeah I know it’s fine it’s just some kind of anxiety, I don’t know what I’m afraid of, to my knowledge I’ve never been creepy to anyone, yet somehow I’m tormented by the idea of being one

  • sweatersocialist [comrade/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
    28·
    3 months ago

    the good news is, i know black magic and if you cashapp me 50 bucks i actually can remove the patriarchy from your body

    the bad news is, this deal is running out in the next 15 minutes, so act fast!

    • lil_tank [any, he/him]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
      11·
      3 months ago

      I’m really conflicted about that because I feel like it could ruin a potential friendship if I’m too daring. Also there was a tacit understanding that she would contact me when she gets into a certain shared interest we talked about soooo it would be pretty inappropriate right now, gotta wait for more developments

      • Andrzej3K [none/use name]@hexbear.netEnglish
        13·
        3 months ago

        If you try to pursue a platonic friendship with someone you are crushing on, that has the potential to turn quite ugly, speaking from experience. Obvs you know the situation better than me, but one might say that carrying on like that is even dishonest/unfair to both parties. It will be way harder to salvage a friendship if this comes out later on, when you both know you’ve been continuing under false pretenses.

        As for appropriateness, there’s nothing weird or creepy about asking someone out! You can even lampshade the awkwardness it if needs be. You’re making out that boundaries were set when you spoke with her. Is that true? Because asking her out is how you give her a chance to set those boundaries.

      • EmoThugInMyPhase [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
        7·
        3 months ago

        I can’t speak for you, but trying to be friends with people who don’t know I have a crush on them, with the goal of never telling them and hopefully moving on, has made me want to put a bullet in my brain. Especially when we become closer and I realize I still liked her. The only way I found any inner peace was by sabotaging it, i.e. telling her my feelings, and ending the relationship. If I could do it again, I’d tell her from the get go. Being rejected doesn’t mean a friendship cannot form, but being rejected when a relationship already exists is much more soul crushing and unlikely to lead to any alternative relationships.

        Rip the band aid, and maybe one day you’ll both look back and laugh your asses of as best friends who truly care and love each other, but just not romantically. Or who knows, maybe it all works out.

  • PM_ME_YOUR_FOUCAULTS [he/him, they/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
    23·
    3 months ago

    It’s okay. Thoughts don’t harm anyone, even ones much worse than the ones you’re having. It is also okay to be attracted to someone even if it’s not necessarily reciprocated. I also think it’s pretty normal to get bowled over by someone you just met, especially you’re love-starved.

    I really empathize with your desire to be a good straight guy. And it sucks how much baggage gets put on you because of the awful, sexist society that we live in. But you don’t have to own it all either.

    • lil_tank [any, he/him]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
      16·
      3 months ago

      And it sucks how much baggage gets put on you because of the awful, sexist society that we live in. But you don’t have to own it all either.

      Very well put. I really don’t want to play the violin like “waaaah it’s hard being forced into the oppressor’s role when you’re a nice little leftist!!!” but I’m happy to see people relate

  • the_post_of_tom_joad [any, any]@hexbear.netEnglish
    19·
    3 months ago

    Think there’s about a billion songs describing what you’re feeling so i wouldn’t sweat it. If you’re worried about creeping and not talking you should go ahead and talk to her about your mutual shared interests and hang out as friends. She did give you her contact sooo

    Nothing creepy about sharing those interests over the phone or doing those things together. If you know now or find through time spent you like her romantically, then just be honest with her about those feelings and be fine with whatever her decision is.

    I mean of course that’s easy for me to say… but I’m trying to say strong feelings are normal and nothing to fear. Maybe don’t tell her about your obsessin’ till after you’re married tho

    hero-wink

    • lil_tank [any, he/him]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
      9·
      3 months ago

      Feels good to read comrade thanks!

      You’re right about friendship. I actually feel better around female friends! And I’m actually afraid I’ll ruin a potentially incredible friendship by being irredeemably inlove

      • TraschcanOfIdeology [they/them, comrade/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
        11·
        3 months ago

        And I’m actually afraid I’ll ruin a potentially incredible friendship by being irredeemably inlove

        This feeling passes if you allow it to pass, and to see the person as just that, a person, and a friend. I’ve found the more toxic kinds of crushes are the ones where you don’t actually spend time with the person being normal and being friends. Gotta let these things see through the end. Either you stay friends and the crush naturally subsides, or you realize you’re incompatible and kind of fall off, in my experience.

        • lil_tank [any, he/him]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
          8·
          3 months ago

          Okay you’re absolutely right. In fact thanks for reminding me that I’ve had a crush on one of my current best friend, as you can see I had forgotten it happened!

  • GarbageShoot [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
    18·
    3 months ago

    You’re getting a lot of “You do you, bestie!” in the responses and I’d like to gently push back on that. As someone who shared with them the false liberal thought that “there’s no ethics of cognition/feeling,” I have since come to learn that there is and it can be kind of important for your mental health to recognize that, depending on what challenges you experience to begin with. Some cognitive patterns can have a negative impact on you inherently (negative self-talk is a classic example), some can more directly get in the way of doing positive things (read any testimonial about porn addiction), and some will make you more prone to harm others (pedophilia, for example). Counterproductive thought patterns can catch people by surprise at various points in their life, but they shouldn’t shrug and say “You do you, bestie!” and then indulge in those patterns.

    That said, I think you’re fine, this sort of thing wears itself out in a matter of days normally and, if it hasn’t, you should probably seek more serious advice. In the meantime, rather than beat yourself up for having a crush (beating yourself up is another negative pattern), it would be much better to simply try to redirect your thoughts to something else. If you are incapable of refocusing after you’ve had the moment of lucidity needed to realize you should refocus, then that’s another sign that it’s a more serious issue. That said, there is probably nothing serious about it.

      • GarbageShoot [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
        3·
        3 months ago

        I agree about shame and you’ll notice I mentioned something to that effect (beating yourself up). I think the line between “problematic” and “unhealthy” is a bit hazy, since problematic thoughts tend to be anti-social and anti-sociality is unhealthy.

      • GarbageShoot [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
        2·
        3 months ago

        A lot of people do. I’m not trying to make a condemnation, it’s just something to work on. Like with the OP thing, since I’m no therapist, the main suggestion I can offer is “Try to focus on other things”. If you fuck something up, don’t waste time kicking yourself, think of how to fix it!

          • GarbageShoot [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
            1·
            3 months ago

            Taking your account at face value, usually there is a reason that we hate or are uncomfortable with things. Assuming they are truly immutable qualities, it’s probable that something conditioned your reaction to them and near-certain that it can be conditioned differently. Reality is dialectical, things change whether we want them to or not, so we may as well make use of the fact that we ourselves change as organisms and as people over the course of that dialectic.

            • Angel [any]@hexbear.netEnglish
              1·
              3 months ago

              It’s in the form of internalized bigotry usually.

              I harbor a lot of self-hatred over my race, my queerness (especially my transness), and my neurodivergence.

              I have developed a strong tendency to refer to myself with very disparaging terms as a result of this self-hatred.

              I’m too “abnormal” to feel like I do not deserve to be hated. There aren’t enough people I relate to for me to have a frame of reference of how people like me are supposed to be treated.

              For this reason, I see myself as an exception who may be a person that actually deserves hate both from others and from myself.

              • GarbageShoot [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
                1·
                3 months ago

                I think if you recognize it as internalized bigotry, that’s a positive indication that your relationship with those feelings can change. I think one way to look at it is that we, as communists and as people who want a kinder, more equitable world, believe that people being different doesn’t make them any less valuable as humans. Surely, if you met someone with some bizarre deformity that you’ve never seen before, your reaction would not be “there is no place for this person, we are not like them,” you would seek to engage with them as human beings because that’s the one really important commonality. Am I mistaken?

                • Angel [any]@hexbear.netEnglish
                  1·
                  3 months ago

                  I know, at the very least, what to call it, but I don’t think I can say for sure that my feelings can change.

                  The funny thing is that I don’t look down on any other person or even sentient non-humans. I think they all deserve respect, but I place myself below all others in the grand scheme of moral consideration. I often feel like a monster, a threat, and a detriment, but I try not to be.

                  I want to make others happy, but I don’t know if I deserve to even do that.

  • makingStuffForFunEnglish
    17·
    3 months ago

    I don’t know. Thinking about it. I met this woman, when she walked into the room once. I nearly died inside. She was stunning. I’ve never met anyone like her. I was smitten, not just on looks, but on so many aspects of her. I was secretly having a crazy crush on her for AGES. Thinking about her. Seeing her out, but not wanting to be pushing, etc.

    Then, one night we were at a party thing, and she just locked lips with me in the lounge room of all places. She, it turned out, was wildly attracted to me also, all that time. Who’d have thought?! I was being so well-behaved all that time.

    She’s my wife now. Total win. 16 years later, and we’re still wild for each other. I have no idea how that happens as I’m turning into an old guy, but, she’s damn fine, and I’m still smitten when she walks in the room. Maybe even more so than back then.

    I’m a fan of “go for it”. For if we didn’t, we’d not have experienced all the joys, tears, ups and downs, and grown our love for of all these years together.