I know this is probably a shitposting meme. And my wife and my female friend, when I asked them, both laughed and said, “Yeah all the time.” I can’t tell if it’s sarcasm.

I asked this because Im a guy, and we’ve heard it all before. The guy plowing a warm apple pie. The ookie cookie BS. The jerk off with a sock. Dudes have done some weird things. I absolutely have found myself relieving some stress in interesting ways.

But veggies: Is this a common thing? Am I going to have to worry that my daughter, when she reaches a curious age, starts exploring with vegetables?

During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?

I am aware this question is ridiculous and I am prepared to be ridiculed.

  • DaGeek247@fedia.io
    2086·
    3 months ago

    Take their ‘joke’ seriously and buy them each their own vibrator/dildo combo. Be really serious about the whole thing; explain what they are, what they’re for, everything.

    This way, if they weren’t joking, your veggies are safe. If they were joking, you have just completely topped their joke with your own.

    • Rai@lemmy.dbzer0.com
      5·
      3 months ago

      Rabbits suck. Get a cordless magic wand (silicone head) or a we-vibe touch. If she wants a dildo get it separate (also silicone, I’m a bad dragon enthusiast but you can get great silicone dildos elsewhere)

    • Thorny_Insight@lemm.ee
      1472·
      3 months ago

      Dad buying their underage daughter a dildo sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.

      I don’t think it’s a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.

      EDIT: Yeah I misread that

        • Deceptichum@quokk.auEnglish
          76·
          3 months ago

          Dad buying their underage wife and her friend a dildo sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.

          I don’t think it’s a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.

            • SuperEars@lemmy.worldEnglish
              13·
              3 months ago

              Dad buying their underage wife and her friend sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.

              I don’t think it’s a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.

      • Zozano@lemy.lolEnglish
        3·
        3 months ago

        I really dont need any more reasons to lick every dildo I find, but I’ll roll with it.

  • BarqsHasBite@lemmy.world
    1521·
    3 months ago

    Hope she washed it off well before putting it back in the fridge. So I doubt the post is real. As for the rest I’ll have to leave it to women to answer. But if you ever find your cucumber in the garbage, just leave it there.

  • Mothra@mander.xyz
    801·
    3 months ago

    I’ve never used a veg for these purposes and I’m not planning to. I would definitely not recommend it to anyone, and I would recommend be very mindful of the hygiene of any objects you decide to insert for whatever reason- speaking from experience here, UTIs are no fun.

    Most people don’t use vegetables for this afaik.

    That aside, the only girl who ever confided in me that she used a veg (a banana btw) also said she put it in a condom. She said she would bin it all afterwards and this sounds like what someone reasonable enough would do. I’d be grossed out if I was to eat something used for that and I’d feel awful to have my family eat something used that way. Just no.

    • ByteOnBikes@slrpnk.netOP
      22·
      3 months ago

      Thank you for the honest response! I sincerely appreciate it.

      Reflecting on your answer, that would make complete sense. Why wouldn’t a person use a condom? My wife has explained how concerned she is about UTIs, and adding that veggie bacteria would be concerning.

      I’m starting to feel like my veggies are safe.

      • Mouselemming@sh.itjust.works
        132·
        3 months ago

        Also most young teens would be a little intimidated by a cucumber. A carrot or banana is more likely, since they’ve probably seen a condom on one before.

        As for the 3 hours, it’s long but by no means impossible.

      • JovialMicrobial@lemm.ee
        7·
        3 months ago

        I havent seen anyone mention this, but cucumbers have little sharp spikes/spines on their skin so that’d be a huge no for the vast majority of people, and those little spikes would probably rip any condom stretched over it.

        Very few people are gonna be into fucking themselves with something that’s got tiny thorns on it…unless they go out of their way to remove them without peeling it entirely I guess.

        Seems like a lot of work though.

    • pete_the_cat@lemmy.worldEnglish
      74·
      3 months ago

      I’m a dude and a cucumber definitely doesn’t seem like it would feel great going in and out. It’s bumpy and the skin is pretty coarse. A banana definitely sounds like a more logical choice.

      • IronKrill@lemmy.ca
        16·
        3 months ago

        Nah, you haven’t lived until you’ve experienced the girth and texture of a garden cucumber.

  • gmtom@lemmy.world
    77·
    3 months ago

    Well she said she used it for 3 hours so I can only imagine it was in fact and edging case.

  • chemical_cutthroat@lemmy.world
    725·
    3 months ago

    Any cucumber you handle for 3 hours for any reason is garbage. You wouldn’t put it in a salad because it would be mush. This is a BS post, obviously.

  • DeadWorld@lemm.eeEnglish
    675·
    3 months ago

    During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?

    🤣

  • bdonvr@thelemmy.club
    59·
    3 months ago

    Hairbrush handles are much more common. I’d say most girls probably haven’t used vegetables.

    • arin@lemmy.worldEnglish
      573·
      3 months ago

      Most hairbrush handle designs are intentionally… yeah. But plastic is porous and nearly impossible to fully disinfect, so girls who reach puberty should be provided with high quality silicone or glass to protect them from getting a bad infection. Prudeness in our society will just hide issues like infection until it gets really awful.

      • Swedneck@discuss.tchncs.de
        1011·
        3 months ago

        why is it just assumed that they’ll use an object? hands work fine too, you don’t assume people with penises will inevitably get an infection from sticking it inside a vacuum cleaner…

        And like, lesbians exist?? they have lots of fun just with rubbing!

        • I Cast Fist@programming.dev
          354·
          3 months ago

          Because fingers get tired and, in the case of women, the object can go further inside than her fingers. Depending on setup, she can go hands free, too.

          Sticking a dick in a vacuum cleaner is not a proper comparison because most of the dick is protected by skin and even the glans will mostly be fine with the same dirt/contaminants that you can wash off your skin.

          Anything that gets inside your body represents a much greater risk of infections. A better comparison would be to a man pretend sucking something or sticking it up his ass.

          Please don’t skip biology classes.

          • Swedneck@discuss.tchncs.de
            11·
            3 months ago

            well thanks for being condescending, not sure what this has to do with biology class?

            yes, fingers get tired, why do you think there’s the joke about guys with one suspiciously muscular arm?
            my point is that using your hands is perfectly fine and what you’ll naturally gravitate towards since it’s extremely readily available, it’s strange to me that everyone immediately assumes that women have to use toys to get off, it feels vaguely misogynist somehow, as if girls are incapable of pleasuring themselves…

            that toys feel better is a non argument since that applies arguably doubly so to guys, who can both shove something up their bum and get a fleshlight, and yet no one’s going around saying guys need toys to get off.

          • Illuminostro@lemmy.world
            12·
            3 months ago

            There is a female comic who was on “This Isn’t Happening” who told the story of how she tried to masturbate with a brush with a silicone handle whilst not knowing she was allergic to silicone. She ended up in the ER.

          • Swedneck@discuss.tchncs.de
            1·
            3 months ago

            and yet no one worries about what boys get up to, they don’t consider buying their sons a fleshlight so they won’t fuck the couch (though maybe a specific pair of parents should have).

            it just feels strange to me that young women are assumed to be incapable of not harming themselves while having fun, like oh what a coincidence that it’s girls who need protecting, huh?

        • LustyArgonianMana@lemmy.worldEnglish
          3·
          3 months ago

          Because they don’t know how to get a woman off acoustically. You make great points. Majority of the time I’ve masturbated, it’s been without a toy

          • MutilationWave@lemmy.world
            61·
            3 months ago

            Acoustically? Like play the guitar so well she gets off no handed? I’m really confused by your word choice.

          • bionicjoey@lemmy.ca
            41·
            3 months ago

            Because they don’t know how to get a woman off acoustically

            I think you mean “digitally”. Digital = with your digits (ie. fingers). Acoustically = with sound (?)

            Unless you’re talking about ear-tonguing. Which I agree is hot but I think it’d be pretty hard to make a woman cum that way.

              • bionicjoey@lemmy.ca
                4·
                3 months ago

                Lol, never seen that one. Agree that I am a nerd.

                Kinda wild to me that a woman could have this take since as a dude I’m very used to playing acoustic dick. Can’t imagine just deciding I don’t wanna nut anymore because I’d have to do it by hand. I gotta say I kinda envy women since it’s pretty socially acceptable for them to use toys compared to the fellas. It’d be cool if I could just have a fleshlight or sex doll in a drawer somewhere and nobody would think it’s any weirder than a girl having a vibrator in her drawer. They look like they’d feel good and be a fun time. But there’s so much judgement around them.

        • Zozano@lemy.lolEnglish
          1·
          3 months ago

          Despite what you may have seen in porn, using your own fingers for penetration is kind of awkward in terms of angle, and has a very different feeling.

          I think the implication you’re making about lesbians is that they participate in substantially less penetration?

          Being interested in women doesn’t change what feels good in regards to physical gratification.

          • Swedneck@discuss.tchncs.de
            1·
            3 months ago

            what i’m implying is that external stimulation also feels good, and i find the idea that you need internal stimulation to be strange. no one applies this to people with dicks, anyone with a dick is just assumed that external stimulation is sufficient and internal stimulation is an extra thing for brave people.

    • blady_blah@lemmy.world
      5·
      3 months ago

      ient dirty joke. Back in the day kids you could find collections of them in printed books, and later, entire websites solely dedicated to hosting thousands of dirty jokes. They were presented in story format, often happening to your cousin’s friend.

      Not saying no one had ever had this happen to them in the history of mankind. But this is also an old dirty joke that is probably more commonly repeated than acted out.

      *WITHOUT WASHING IT! I mean, was she ok with it being eaten by another family member as long as it wasn’t her? That’s just as gross!

      • MystikIncarnate@lemmy.caEnglish
        2·
        3 months ago

        Yeah, that’s my main take away.

        Not only did she put it back in the fridge in this completely fabricated story, but they did so without washing it?

        Who does that?

    • Valmond@lemmy.world
      4·
      3 months ago

      You have to put it in lukewarm water for 30min / 1 hour too so putting it in the fridge seems counterproductive.

      Well so I have heard, but it was for zucchinis (true story actually, but it was the guy explaining it, I have no idea if it was only used for stroking or penetrating or just to fool around with to lighten up the miod or something. I also recall something about peeling it but that seems wrong).

  • pixeltree@lemmy.blahaj.zone
    551·
    3 months ago

    Is it normal for teenagers discovering sexuality to improvise sex toys? Absolutely. Cucumbers are generally a convenient shape and size. When I was a young male teenager, I used hotel shampoo bottles. (Almost got one stuck inside me, no idea what I would have done.) When the time comes to have that talk, mention sex toys and that if they want to experiment, they should use objects that are meant to be used that way and that you won’t judge them for it. I’d probably also mention that you won’t open packages addressed to them and leave it at that.

  • paddirn@lemmy.worldEnglish
    47·
    3 months ago

    Chances are, if something can be fucked or used as a dildo… somebody somewhere has done it out of horniness.

    • pete_the_cat@lemmy.worldEnglish
      42·
      3 months ago

      I still remember about 20 years ago a female friend told me that she masturbated using a bottle of Bawls energy drink (IDK if they even still make the stuff). It was a glass bottle that was bumpy all over (think of the divots on a golf ball, but inverse) and she apparently used it on her clit/vulva.

      When I was a horny pre-teen boy and had no idea how to actually beat off, I discovered that rubbing a silk/nylon pillow with pictures of cats on it felt really good.

      JD Vance fucked a couch.

  • gandalf_der_12te@lemmy.blahaj.zone
    47·
    3 months ago

    Am I going to have to worry that my daughter, when she reaches a curious age, starts exploring with vegetables?

    No. Worrying doesn’t help anyone. Just relax.

    • ameancow@lemmy.worldEnglish
      5·
      3 months ago

      Next thing you’re going to tell us is that we SHOULDN’T become absolutely obsessed with the personal habits and sex lives of other people whom I will never meet nor be involved with in any way! Preposterous!

        • ameancow@lemmy.worldEnglish
          1·
          3 months ago

          It seems so obviously counterproductive that the only thing I can think is that they’re enjoying it, like it’s a kink to get into other people’s sex lives and tell them what they should and should not do.

          No, seriously. If you spend time in the conservative, christian communities like where I grew up, you hear these people just spend night and fucking day thinking about “sin” and the ways that nasty, dirty, eeeeevil sinners like to sin and all the details about what manner of sin they partake in… and so on.

  • VinnyDaCat@lemmy.world
    41·
    3 months ago

    It’s a shitposting meme. The poster has this pinned on their twitter:

    That said… I have heard horror stories about poor theater staff finding cucumbers after the 50 shades premiere. Some of it was just people memeing and trying to prank but I’m not entirely sure about all of it.

    • spicy pancake@lemmy.zipEnglish
      36·
      3 months ago

      yeah it’s wild. every time i open Lemmy any internet application I turn into a guy? it’s very handy when the women’s bathroom line is too long

      • voldage@lemmy.world
        12·
        3 months ago

        yes, that is the transgender agenda, we switch genders each time we open lemmy and use blahaj plushies to stabilize, don’t blow our cover like that in public though jesus christ

      • idunnololz@lemmy.world
        5·
        3 months ago

        Technically the original statement could still be true. We now know there is a woman here but not women. \s

      • xorollo@leminal.space
        3·
        3 months ago

        That’s not very helpful. It’s always the mens bathroom line that’s too long at work. The woman basically gets her own.

        • smbEnglish
          2·
          3 months ago

          we are a tech company. we had several floors in two near but separate buildings. we had as many toilets for woman as we had for men. basically each floor had one for woman and one for men which had a pissoir too. as we had > 90% men, mens toilets always had a waiting line after lunch time (not for the pissoir, however). on one floor the only woman was a trainee who (normal here) often had to go to school for 3weeks in a row, that was when men just used womens toilet as there was no woman to use it on the floor and the other woman on the other floor of that building literally had her very own toilet to share with no one. (rest of all the woman happened to work in the other building)

          then the company started to build its own building to leave the rental situation and at the same time to better longterm meet some necessarities that come along with the market niche that the company serves. (there are some laws regulating some physical aspects of the building for our services.)

          one if the promises was, that the “toilet situation” would be improved with the new building.

          the new building then had larger toilets on each floor. the space was then used to still have one toilet for men, but now there were two pissoirs! and two large sinks just for washing hands. yay! womens bathroom now have 3 toilets on each floor each and also the large sinks too. same amount of toilets for 90% of empleyee, the 10% have now triple number toilets they had before and double the space for washing, using mirror etc.

          The woman basically gets her own.

          exactly, and when men don’t have enough toilets, women actually gets build more of them to “statistically” solve the problem !! 🤣

            • smbEnglish
              3·
              3 months ago

              yes 💪

              or maybe thats the hiring strategy to get more woman into tech jobs 😂 … and we have reserved private toilets !! …

    • weew@lemmy.ca
      7·
      3 months ago

      Well duh. Lemmy is on the internet, and there are no women on the internet.