I broke down today in a public setting when someone deliberately attempted to annoy me because they enjoy my reactions when I get upset. My question is, how to deal with such things? Any hexbears who regularly deal with this or have suggestions on how to handle such situations? Am I just fucked with dealing with assholes?
Content Warning: self-harm
So, I get sensory overload pretty easily with seemingly small auditory cues, such as whistling, intermittent humming, low frequency vibrations (like from old AC units or fluorescent light bulbs). Someone I am forced to interact with on a daily basis decided they wanted to make me squirm today by whistling off-key repeatedly, loudly, and very near to where I was working. When I asked them to stop they continued to do it, kind of like a sibling who is bored and wanting to get some entertainment by driving the other party crazy. After 20 minutes of it I was getting to the point of distress, and I asked them to please stop because it was making me uncomfortable, and their response was to try and do it more loudly. I finally went to them and talked to them directly, face to face, and all but begged them to stop because it was making me uncomfortable and it was getting disrespectful, near tears at that point, and they rolled their eyes and said “Sorry you got triggered”. The reality was that I was to the point of starting to scratch myself with my nails to distract myself because I was so distraught from the noise, something that I’ve come to understand happens when I’m starting to dissociate. I’m ashamed to say I dug my nails in enough to draw blood and leave marks, something I haven’t done in a long while. Ended up leaking a few tears, which is really embarrassing and shameful for me when I’m not alone…
I have to work with this person every day, and I can’t wear headphones/ play music/ do things to block them out like I normally would. I just got this job but I’m already to the point where my mental health is being trashed after just a few weeks.
Am I SOL? Anyone have anything that could help with this, even if it’s suggestions on dealing with over stimulation in a work setting as someone with autism? I keep my ND a secret; no one knows I’m on the spectrum. …am I overreacting? 
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Is this a coworker? HR is useless, but they are deathly afraid of lawsuits and bad PR. If they keep refusing to do anything to settle this matter, perhaps try contacting a lawyer who’s willing to speak on your behalf and have their presence imply a possible lawsuit.
Yes, someone in the same office. Problem is, I haven’t claimed that I technically have a disability or need any accommodations in any way, which technically is in violation of my application and hiring paperwork, where I lied and said I didn’t because I was desperate. I can’t express how many times I’ve been told that I overreact to things by NTs, and it’s part of why I’ve been so heavily masked all my life. I need money desperately right now and was grateful I got the position. I appreciate the suggestion but I’m not sure I’m competent or confident enough to talk to HR or a lawyer about someone whistling, which is generally not considered as an issue with most people, when I am masked and trying to hide the fact that I’m not normal. Sorry if that sounds defeatist.
Whether or not they know about your disabilities doesn’t matter. If someone’s harassing you for your reactions, it’s still harassment no matter even if you were NT.
So if asking the person not to be dick doesn’t help, go talk your manager or hr that this person is harassing you. No need to explain any of the potential reasons why you may be more sensitive to the harassment
No need to apologize. Corporate environments rarely teach you how to handle this outside of a 10 minute computer quiz. But like others have said, it’s still harassment regardless of condition. If you have documentation that you requested someone to stop doing something that makes you uncomfortable and the action isn’t required for their job, then they explicitly confirm that their intention is to be hostile and continue the action, that’s harassment.
Not sure if is neurodiversity related, but some people develop auditory problems due to various factors including common environmental noise, age, accident, etc. so asking someone to stop making an unpleasant noise isn’t irrational even for someone who wouldn’t understand neurodiversity. It’s no different than microwaving fish and refusing to stop when everyone confronts you.
Thank you, I’ll start keeping track of things starting today. I appreciate the response
I’m sorry you’re going through this and that too many people have normalized abusive behavior. It sucks you’ve been forced into this situation with so little options and support. Hope you can find a way to stay safe and comfortable.
This is not your fault, and you are not overreacting.
I hate to say this, but you need to pretend it doesn’t bother you for a day or two. If a bully smells blood, they will continue doing it. If you don’t show it bothers you, they will stop.
Save your breaks for when you absolutely need to get away from this person.
Thank you
Edit: I probably shouldn’t have immediately suggested a nuclear option. Apologies if that was counterproductive.
You don’t have to passively accept abuse and with creativity can remove them from your life.
Documenting it somehow, even if it’s just an asking a sympathetic person to witness without getting involved so there’s a person to back up your side.
If it’s legal in your jurisdiction have a voice memo recording in your pocket when you ask them to stop. If you really want to get them fired intentionally giving a reaction to the initial harassment and then very politely making it clear in HR language that you are being harmed. Pretty sure you can get them fired this way.
You can lie about why it’s harming you, I don’t know what a good one is off the top of my head, but if decide to pursue this I’m willing to help figure that out so you can continue keeping it secret.
No apologies needed, I appreciate the response, and I’ll consider your suggestions. I’m the new kid in the office and the workplace is very bougie with some pretty blatant nepotism. Also in an at-will state, so confronting them could very well put me on the manager’s short list, since it’s still within the 90 day probation period, where they can fire me without a reason.
Office environment isn’t one I have any experience with, but is it a small business or a large one? HR is never as anonymous as it claims, but skipping your in office HR and going straight to corporate as soon the probationary period is over might work.
Is the no headphones angle one that can be attacked? Like do you actually need to hear people on a moments notice or is it just a rule? If it’s a rule maybe asking nicely by saying something like “I can more quickly enter a flow state and increase productivity if I listen to certain music and don’t want to force everyone else to listen to my music”. They might actually expect you to increase productivity though which could be a problem if you’re already giving it 100%.
If you can make it 90 days and don’t give cause you’ll have a wider array of solutions. I’m only saying that because a light at the end of tunnel can help make things more bearable. I’m hoping that focusing on that in conjunction with better suggestions that others hopefully chime in with could be helpful to you.
Sorry none of my suggestions are directly what you asked for, but I’m having a really hard time thinking of something.
Hey no worries, honestly it’s helping just to put things on a possible to-do list so I do appreciate it. It’s a mid-size company with one of the crappiest HR lady’s I’ve ever encountered. The headphones thing is a rule because we have to be available to answer phones and messages within a specific time frame. It’s got a lot of weird rules that are in writing but only enforced for certain people.
Do you want me to just keep spitballlng ideas? I’ve got some time and might as well help a comrade brainstorm if it’s something you’re finding useful. It’ll also bump the thread so if nothing else it’ll help people who might have the answer find it.
Idea: visual indicator that there’s a call and headphones with an easy to activate transparency mode (disclaimer: transparency modes make all the sounds that fuck with me infinitely worse so this could backfire if you’re similar in that regard assuming it’s even possible to swing the compromise).
No idea how to pitch it without telling them the truth as to why.
If you have ideas I’m all for hearing them, and even better if it gives other comrades some viable options if they’re in a similar situation with less restrictions. I’m feeling pretty exhausted and might have to pass out soon, so I might not respond til tomorrow. The phones we use have headsets that are provided by the company and can’t be swapped out, which I guess is why they don’t allow headphones–maybe the assumption is that they’ll get in the way of the headset or delay answering calls. I just assumed some old person complained about someone listening to music on the clock and they made it a rule. I like that idea though, had no idea there were headphones with transparency mode out there.
Yeah, the mode works by using the mic to detect sound and play it through the earbud. This makes some noises very painful.
I’ll reply with any ideas that come up. Sleep well comrade!
Thank you
Not overreacting at all this person sounds like a malevolent piece of shit. Unfortunately I don’t have any good advice I’ve never had a positive resolution to workplace harassment and offices are such a hellworld for my autism that pre covid was a perpetual downward spiral where I completely depersonalised and self harmed and NT people thought i was crazy/enjoyed making it worse to see me uncomfortable.
Maybe a neutral approach would be to ask your supervisor permission to use headphones if there’s a way to be alerted to a call via some other visual or sensory means and give the reason “the office is very noisy which I’m finding distracting which is harming my productivity i believe if i can use headphones my productivity will improve” maybe even ask for a trial period with it to prove you can operate with headphones.
Usually to get some amenity i have to phrase it in a way that makes it sound good for my output. Other than that I know exactly how you feel and I’m sorry you’re in that situation.
Thank you, I’ve worked in offices a lot and it’s always been as you mentioned, hellish and demoralizing. Haven’t been in an office since before covid either and it feels like people are even worse than before. I’ll try some of the things your and others mentioned, see if I can’t give myself some relief and support.
I’m sorry you have such a shitty coworker. They have no excuse.
Ask them to not do that in a way that is polite and centers that it makes you uncomfortable, in an email. Given their behavior, I think it is unlikely this will work, but if you do this both in-person and in an email, you will have documentation of attempting to resolve this in the corporate-friendly way, i.e. “amongst yourselves”. It is okay to skip this step if you find it seriously detrimental, but it will make any other steps a bit less likely to go smoothly.
Then you’ll want to go to your manager. This is the most critical person in the company for a positive resolution. If they don’t care or don’t take action, or even turn in you as a “troublemaker” for making them deal with this, then unless you plan on getting a new manager (e.g. it is a large company and you can transfer or your boss gets fired) then HR will not be useful to you in any way. They will just try to cover the company’s ass legally and the only way they do that favorably is by going after your boss. So I recommend thinking of this as 3 tiers of action.
Tier 1: ask the person to stop, politely (even though they don’t deserve this), in an email stating that it makes you uncomfortable.
Tier 2: go to your manager with this problem. State how it is making you uncomfortable and that they are not changing their behavior.
Tier 3: go to HR if and only if you think you can get your manager fired or if they can do an in-company transfer. Getting your manager fired would itself take a battle that would be draining, so while it is a valid thing to do, it is also okay to focus on your own well-being over taking the fight that far.
A secret hidden tier: as an alternative to talking to HR, just don’t. Document all of the issues in writing, dating them. Ensure that your polite and clear requests have an email version, particularly if anyone is dragging their feet (email to coworker, email to boss). Back up that email + take screenshots. Keep a written and backed up record of anything that could remotely be interpreted as retaliation. Just keeping a dated notebook that describes what happens each day will keep you covered and can also be therapeutic imo. This secret tier is all leverage for keeping your job while you look for another one and fuel for a lawsuit should that become an option.
Unfortunately a lot of work environments are incredibly toxic and make us choose between staying a fighting carefully like I’ve described or just leaving to find something better. It sucks, but starting the “find something better” process can be helpful in itself as you will eventually get an offer and can feel less beholden to any and all assholes involved.
Edit: do Tier 2 at the same time as Tier 1 so that your coworker can’t innoculate your manager against you with lies.
