I definitely remembered the OCD bit but I wasn’t certain about the rest.

It would make sense that the obsession with your emotional state being “correct” or not is an OCD thing but I’d gently argue that this is also pretty common especially for autistic folks - a lot of autistic people, especially when they are young, end up going through a social gauntlet of being admonished for not displaying enough emotion or for not displaying the “right” emotions.

It’s definitely one of the deeper levels of masking where an autistic person feels a disconnect from their emotional experience or that they act like a watchman over their own emotional state while trying to “correct” it based on external, neurotypical standards. Not saying that all autistic interoceptive struggles are inherently due to social conditioning or masking but I’d venture a guess that it’s a major factor a lot of the time. (Speaking as an armchair expert tho.)

The main thing that’s worrying me is whether my relationship will weather the transition to cohabitation or not (especially given that we are probably both neurodivergent in different and often conflicting ways, for example I am hyperactive while she can get overwhelmed and needs to stay still some times), and about being able to juggle the responsibilities while working, paying my bills etc with my interests.

That’s valid.

Moving in with someone is a big test of any relationship and it’s super normal to feel concerned about whether it’s the right move or if the relationship will be strong enough to manage the change.

One thing is that if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be; you’re only responsible for half of the relationship and sometimes you or the other person isn’t going to be at a point where they’re able to make the compromises necessary for it to work. No amount of forcing things is going to change that. The best you can do is to communicate, plan, set boundaries, and negotiate on your different needs etc. (You know - all the typical healthy relationship stuff.)

I can imagine that reading this might aggravate the worries but it’s also important to remember that relationships get strengthened by overcoming adversities together and by working as a team to achieve things - that includes living together and making it work well for the both of you. Sure, things might not work out but there’s just as much of a chance that this move will strengthen your relationship too, so try to allow space for this possibility.

With regards to dealing with conflicting neurodivergent needs, communication is exceptionally important here. If you need to infodump but she needs to space out and not think, for example, then you need to build a language together to communicate and prioritise these needs - you can probably hold that infodump in for a more suitable time, or maybe you can write it out or unleash it online or call someone instead, but if she needs to zone out then (as long as she tells you or you have identified this need) she probably just needs to zone out then and there.

Likewise for your need for activity - it might be a matter of her telling you that you need to go for a run to burn off some energy or maybe you can set up a treadmill or a rebounder or some weights so when you’re feeling that urge but you know it’s going to clash with her needs then you can just go into the other room and do what you need to without disturbing her.

What else?

Without knowing what your relationship is like, generally I’d recommend getting used to parallel “play”/body doubling sorta stuff, however you want to refer to it - work on existing in the same space but being completely comfortable in your own world doing your thing while she does the same. If your relationship is such that she can just lay on the couch next to you while she reads or something and you can game to your heart’s content without either of you putting any demands on the other for interaction then it will make living together much more manageable for the both of you. Try to build a language together around this so that you both feel comfortable telling eachother when you need an hour or more of “me time” or like “necessary-communication only” mode, where you will ask if you can change the lighting in the room or if the other person is hungry for dinner etc. but there’s a moratorium on all other communication. You get the idea.

this triggers me to no end sometimes, because neurotypicals wouldn’t need to do it, and would consider it a marker of a failing relationship

Yeah, I get you.

Please don’t take this as me being glib and being like “Just don’t even worry about it, bro” but really the only people who matter in your relationship are the people in it.

It’s your relationship, not the rest of the world’s.

If neurotypicals had the monopoly on The One True Way™ to have a functioning relationship then they’d need to account for the sky-high divorce rate, y’know? If you are happy and safe in the relationship, and the same goes for her then who’s to judge?

One person’s idea of a satisfying relationship is being at home, dressing in a leather suit, donning a dog mask and having their partner put them in a crate for a few hours. That’s not for me personally but if that’s what fulfillment looks like for someone else then that would be fine by me, if I had any say in the matter (which I don’t).

When it comes to taking on board other people’s expectations, especially for this kinda stuff, I try to weigh it against certain criteria:

• How important they are to me

• How supportive they are of me

• How well they understand my circumstances and needs

The higher they rate on those scales, the more stock I put in their opinions and expectations.

For example I might have a dad that knows me very well but is really unsupportive of me and who has never learned what my needs are so if they tell me that my relationship or living arrangements are weird then I’m basically going to give myself permission to discard his input; of course how I choose to live my life is going to seem weird to a person who doesn’t understand my needs or circumstances and I find it helpful to put that sort of opinion into a category - they don’t understand me, they tell me my relationship is weird for whatever reason - that’s really nothing more than them reinforcing the fact that they don’t get me. I try to consciously weigh up whether things are you-problems or me-problems. Don’t get it? Don’t understand me? That sounds like a you-problem!

“I would never be able to have a relationship where I did the things that you do in yours.”

“Cool, didn’t ask. You’re not invited anyway. 🤷”

So yeah, try to carve out a space where your partner’s needs and your needs are the primary concern; your relationship is not a spectator sport.

You’ve got this comrade 💪