Good morning dearest employees,

I know that a lot of you are concerned about the risks of commuting to the office these days, and we just wanted to assure you that your safety is our #1 concern. We have decided to give each employee a $200 bonus to outfit their car with armored plating and bulletproof windshields.

As for security at the office, we have installed a metal-detecting security checkpoint at the door, where you will sign in and sign out at each day. Please expect 30-60 minute delays, as care must be taken at checking each employee.

We have also heard from many of you that your homes have been damaged or destroyed, and we encourage those employees to utilize our company discount program with the Hampton Suites adjacent to the office.

Times are tough, but we at COMPANY X are here for you and your families. If we can all just come together we have a good chance of staying profitable this year!

Best wishes,

-Your shitty ass company owner-

PS: I’m sure you all heard the explosion in the parking lot, it seems the army’s artillery missed the rebel lines by quite a bit today, we’re just lucky the office was untouched! By the way, if you drive a 2017 white Ford Explorer, 2015 blue Honda Civic, or a 2019 red Mazda CX5, you may want to call your insurance and find a coworker to carpool with for a bit.