I’m 23 now. And I am not going to lie - I suck at almost all task. Starting from my teens years, I “lost” the ability to read and had to switch to skim - I don’t know why, maybe because I have some undiagnosed form of learning disability. But what I know for sure is that my attention span right now is very much fucked up.

And this has affected me a lot - my foundation in whatever I’ve learnt during my teens is pretty bad. I struggle with advanced trigonometry, I am not able to grasp the concept of limits, calculus and integration is hard to understand, and I also suck at geometrical mathematics, like graphs and cones. I also used to be pretty bad at hydrocarbons, electromagnetism and biology was the only subject I was better at.

Overall, I am a below average student. I barely graduated with a CS degree, obviously without any offer in hand. That was September 2022. I’m still unemployed, struggling with learning software development practices, or completing projects. Joblessness has taken a toll on my mental state - and I’m not sure if this is the recession or just me, but I’m struggling to even get an unpaid internship.

I know that I should be focusing on completing project, but I am trying to read a book on economy for the sake of improving my reading under the hope that if I were to possibly complete my master’s degree in the future, I should not struggle with focusing on reading research papers. But I’m struggling with the first page, coming across new word is so distracting and frustrating, because now, I have to do the task of understanding the new word, trying to see how that word makes sense in the passage, while also having to remember the previous context.

I’m not even sure what I should be doing now. I’ve not spoken to anyone in a long time - well, I did not have anyone to speak to, to begin with. I’m pretending to wear the mask of a clown, but I’m not sure for how long I can keep up with this.