I’m going to be complaining a bunch in this post, so if you don’t want to hear the moaning of a labor aristocrat who should really not be complaining about his situation, feel free to skip this post.
I don’t feel like a human being. I’m unable to feel empathy. I’m unable to feel any sort of human bond, even with friends and family I’ve known my whole life. I’ve been in therapy and on meds for years but they don’t help. This leads to a life of no joy or meaning. I’m also not moved by the suffering of others when I know I should be. I’ve watched videos of some of the Ukranian war crimes and read a post another user made that went into graphic detail about the Thai sex trade and felt… nothing. As far as I’m concerned, I’m an evil psychopath. But I don’t want to be this way. But I don’t know how to change. Because of this, the only emotions I know are anger and self loathing. I genuinely despise myself.
Because I’m a fucking monster, I lash out at people sometimes and say terrible things. Hell, there was a post a few weeks ago here highlighting some evil unhinged shit that got my lemmy account banned. In fact, if the mods are worried I’m going to say some unhinged shit that’s basically fed bait, I would fully understand if you banned me. I’m not even sure people like me should be allowed near communities.
Because I have, I can’t think of another way to put this, no soul, I barely do anything in life. The only reason I’m able to keep up with my job is that it’s a barely monitored remote code monkey gig. I barely move and don’t monitor what I eat. I spend an unhealthy amount of time on the internet, and often I’ll go days at a time without sleeping. I don’t have the guts to put a bullet in my brain, but I’m basically already doing a slow motion suicide.
I’m posting this here because this community seems to understand what’s going on in the world, is full of compassionate people, and has users who are experienced with dealing with mental illness.
How the fuck do I become a human being? How do I stop being a psychopath?
You… need to realise that the characterisation you’ve portrayed here is fundamentally based in your perception as a “labour aristocrat” within capitalism.
First and foremost your a human being.
You’ve noticed the inherent disconnect with capitalism and humanity etc etc. You’ve recognised your place in that system but to be clear:
WE ALL LIVE UNDER CAPITALISM
(Well most of us)
So engaging with it is not the point you need to be stressing on here.
However you have from what I understand a particular niche some of us can’t do, you can help people.
So wake up, get up, get out there and start making a change.
I honestly get to slow suicide aspect etc, but you have a cross roads here, do you want to leave the mortal coil like this or do you want to inact real change using what you have and can do to change not only the material conditions of others but fix the perception you have about yourself.
Anyone can do so much to help others, sometimes we need to do that to help give us meaning.
I think you can find that in stepping out of this rut you are in and immersing yourself in what we chat here and helping those around you.
Even the smallest things you can do to inact positive change.
You are not worthless so it’s time to prove that to yourself.