‘It’s quite soul-destroying’: how we fell out of love with dating apps::For a decade, apps have dominated dating. But now singles are growing tired of swiping and are looking for new ways to meet people – or reverting to old ones
‘It’s quite soul-destroying’: how we fell out of love with dating apps::For a decade, apps have dominated dating. But now singles are growing tired of swiping and are looking for new ways to meet people – or reverting to old ones
Here to offer hope and advice to anyone that’s given up. I’m a 52-yo American male and have knocked it out the park with dating apps. In the 4-years since my wife left, thank god, I’ve had 15-20 dates and 5 steady gf’s for a bit. Getting married 11/24 if y’all want to come!
Pro tips:
How I met my fiancé:
She hit me up on eHarmony. Gods that site sucks. Only date I ever got there. Blew her off because her pics were… not so great. She had nothing interesting to say about herself, barebones bio. 3-months later I’m revisiting and saw her “like”. “Yeah, what about this girl again?” She posted more about herself, and more attractive pics and here we are.
About the judgmental thing; If I knew then what I know now, the date would have been a hard NO. She’s a city girl (Manilla), never even been in the woods. No shit. Jealous as fuck, and I’ve spent 30-years saying that’s the one thing I won’t abide. She was a Christian preschool teacher at private school. Fuck all that nonsense. You get the idea.
But we click so hard it’s silly. I feel like I’ve landed some kind of fantasy girl. And she feels the same! 11/24/23, NW FL, you’re all welcome to the wedding.
To me, it sounds like you’ve neatly described why people have fallen out of love with dating apps.
If I could afford to pay for a stranger’s dinner out I probably wouldn’t be single, haha. I buy two takeaways a year as a special treat for myself, mainly for my birthday. That’s all I can afford.
No way am I paying for someone else’s food on a date anyway, this isn’t the 1940s, women and all other genders are equal to men and they need to put in just as much effort on a date as a guy does.
You don’t get a free lunch because you’re a woman, and if you’re the sort of sexist woman that demands that sort of thing I wouldn’t be interested in you anyway.
I hope I don’t seem overly harsh, I’m just tired of sexism in dating. It’s ubiquitous and gross.
Congrats man :)
The cost for the search is generally far more than money. It takes some time, yes, but it also consumes energy and mental health to absorb repeated rejections and expressions of fear. (I understand the fear, to an extent. Some men are genuinely scary, and can make someone very sour to future encounters) It also constantly judges your self worth as a person. Wise people can turn away the misjudgments of young fools, but often only so many times.
I’d probably consider going back if I could find hard evidence of some level of interest and commitment from anyone on any of those sites. I have never seen it before, and don’t expect to. One time I was on a tour in another country, and learned that the women in my group were putting themselves up on dating sites within the area, even though they were being bused around the country on the tour, and had no chance of ever meeting with interested parties. It was purely for the attention-seeking. I’ve decided my attention is not free, and it’s been a powerful move for my mental health - for the better.
I did all that for like 7 years in NYC and what did I get? About 5 dates, not a single one turned into a second date. I thought I had one in the bag… Then she sent me a long text saying that she didn’t want to see me again because I made her “uncomfortable” at the end of the date, even though her body language or verbal language said nothing or the sort.
I moved back to Southern NJ a few months after that and ended up talking to a cute woman for a week. She was 42 and I was 37,we would send a few long messages back and forth, but I always kept it casual. I knew she was vegan because she had it on her profile. We went to a bar/restaurant and she was like “yeah I can’t eat anything here, I’m not hungry anyway.” We both got a drink and chatted for another 1.5 hours. Towards the end of the date she said “so you said you’re thinking about moving to Miami…” and I responded "yeah, but that’s up in the air right now, nothing is trying me to down there, and now that you’re in the picture, idk how that would work… " then she said " Oh, I don’t think I’m in the picture, we don’t have enough in common and I wouldn’t date someone that isn’t vegan. We had been talking for a week and she never mentioned that once. I just sat there, shocked, and was thinking “why did you agree to this then?” it wasn’t because of the free food or drinks (she had one hard seltzer) and she was like “So I guess this is it? I’m gonna head home, I’m tired”.
After being tired of the North East I moved down to Miami about 2 weeks ago! People are definitely a lot more friendly down here and I gotta get out of my NYC habit of leaving everyone alone because no one wants to talk to someone that they don’t know.
Gonna be real dude, it’s not the apps, in this scenario.
We met up for drinks, we were heading home the same way so we waited for it to come together. Goy in the car, sitting next to each other. I put my arm around her and she cuddled into me. I pulled the move out slightly lifting her chin so she would face me and I French kissed her, and she happily responded. We stopped after a few seconds and sat there holding hands. We went off and walked about 500 ft to the next subway train, which was coming in 10 minutes. I joked “yay more time to make out” and she giggled. We preferred to make out, and add over does, they get a little handsy. She never said “stop”,*I’m done " or anything else. She was just there with a smile on her face. When he train came she pushed me off of her (I had her against the wall) and said “I can take it from here” and looked back and smiled at me.
That was it, except from the previous 4 hours they we spent at the bar really getting to know each other.
Yeah so just stop interacting with people. “You’re creepy.”™
The correct answer here is to
A) be less creepy
Or
B) get better at finding people who like your specific brand of creepy
There’s someone out there for everyone. Used to be good friends with a dude we literally called “Creepy” as a nickname back in college, because h was just so fuckin awkward. He married a chick who absolutely loves the smothering thing he’d do. He’s a good guy and they’re super happy, and ngl it really touched the heartstrings.
I kind of feel like that there might have been the problem. There are loads of great vegetarian / vegan restaurants, especially in New York. Like 10 seconds of googling to find one would show that you actually paying attention to what she’s saying.
This wasn’t in NYC, but South Jersey, as I clearly said. We never actually agreed on getting dinner, just meeting up at some place. I hadn’t been on a date down there in like 18 years so I didn’t know of a good adult spot, so I chose a place I knew that served both dinner and had a full bar. Also she didn’t live or work in my city, so I chose one of the few I knew that was on her way home (worked in one city but lived in another). I mentioned it beforehand and she agreed, if she didn’t like it she could have said so beforehand, everything isn’t up to me. It’s annoying when people agree to something then complain about it later.
Congrats, dude. The advice is solid, and you really do sound as though you fell into something good.
This is generally good advice. I would clarify that you shouldn’t ask them in in the first message
You should have at least one volley where you verify they can read and write, and clear any deal breakers you might be bringing to the table (have kids, enm, whatever). After they respond with interest, then you ask them out.