I’ve been really struggling with drinking again and have been drunk 6 of the of past 7 nights. I got it back on track towards the start of this month where I was only drinking on the weekend but I couldn’t keep that up.

Today is a special day for me though. Back in very beginning of 2019 I dropped out of college and became a NEET for many years, and October 24th 2021 was when I started piecing my life back together. There’s been ups and downs but the past two years have been the best two years of my life. Maybe this October 24th will be just as important for me, who knows.

56 days until i quit my pointless, soul-destroying office job. 20 days after that i begin a 9-month trip around south america and europe, which i’ve been looking forward to for two and a half years at this point. im good, i just have maaaaaaajor senioritis about this job. can’t be fucked to do anything tbh

Death to America

Watching people calling for / excusing genocide in the last two weeks has made my already dog shit mental health even worse.

I feel like I’m going insane

I didn’t get enough sleep last night. It’s only 11:30 AM and I’m struggling to stay awake here

You know that feeling where things have been going so bad for so long that you feel extremely suspicious when something good happens?

That’s me right now. Because things have started to quickly improve as fast as they fell apart and I’m extremely suspicious about it.

I feel like something silly is about to occur that’s going to put me away back beyond square 1 and I’m bracing for it.

Odds on favorite this is worst year of my life. Silver medal goes to the year my mother died. Still two months left. The over/under on how many weeks I’m going to be homeless is three. Place your bets.

Idk how I’m gonna make it through another year at this job.

Been doing organizing every day since 10/7. Tiring and I have to pause myself here and there not to burn out, but it’s giving me live to do real meaningful organizing in the face of the crisis instead of scrolling and posting.

It feels very joever. Still no luck on the job search ~4 months in, and this freelance thing isn’t looking as promising as it used to. I just really need to catch a break on this.

Meanwhile, my mom keeps telling me that I can’t always take the “path of least resistance” and that I need to reach my full potential and all that. I keep trying to tell her that my first priority is being able to support myself independently and she says that’s fine, but appends this note about how sooner or later I’ll have to figure out how I want to live my life and grow and change. My mother in Christ I don’t have a job right now!!!

I’m just going through the motions of life and it feels hopeless. Idk what I’m gonna do if I can’t find work by the time unemployment runs out. Could probably get a retail/food service job but that would crush my will to live even more 🤡

Back on the wagon trying to quit smoking again, not much to report otherwise, will be shopping for food tomorrow and I’m going to load up.

Can’t leave work to go to Friday prayer anymore for over a month - two hours a week where I am completely insulated from capitalism and is now gone.

Fucking management decided to cancel the option for overtime too as a bargaining option.

Also my blood pressure has spiked again despite losing 5kg of weight.

Got a cold since sunday. Its better now though. Hope it will be gone soon.

Came down with an obnoxious cold that’s just scuttled my brain for the most part. I should be fine in another week. Been having to live in a dugout for a while because the heat has become so unbearable.

My disability benefits are going to be taken away. I was completely blindsided by this because I thought my exam went really well. I applied for reconsideration, but my understanding is that those rarely succeed. I can appeal that and get a court hearing, but I’d need to pay a lawyer and if I lose I’d have to pay back the benefits I get while waiting for the hearing.

Anyway, I’m trying to see it as a positive. I do want to work, so I’m just going to try and find something low stress, or at least something without a lot of interacting with people. It’s going to be hard to find something because I haven’t worked in 10 years and I didn’t have a great work history before that either because I kept losing jobs due to my bipolar.

I wanted to try UPS because they were advertising for package handlers and it’s one of the few union workplaces in my area, but they apparently stop hiring permanent positions before the holidays. So my next plan is to try to get a CDL license, because there’s a lot of jobs around here that have the license as the only job requirement.

Despite all that, I’m doing pretty good. I’m more hopeful that I’ve been for a while. The benefits that I get are so small that I’d bring home triple at almost any job. It’ll also feel good to not have to dodge questions about what I do for a living, or feel the judgements when I have to tell someone I’m on disability.

Dealing with overdrafts at the end of the last few months. I’m trying to take time off where I can because the burnout is getting to me, but I can’t afford to. I’ve run on fumes like this for a while in the past, but it’s a little different now.

Part of the reason for the change in finances is that I’ve finally gotten a good therapist. I’m processing a lot of stuff and managing my feelings of shame/inadequacy better.

What I thought was me being deceptive or manipulative was likely masking my ND traits. I’m more at peace with how I am as a person and I’m not spending as much bandwidth trying to fix or change myself.

I’m learning how to give myself the grace I wanted and needed when I was younger. I’m not exactly there yet, but I’m finding myself and realizing I’m a lot closer than I thought.

My big goal by the end of the year is to get signed to an agent. I’m revising a novel and finishing up a book proposal for a nonfiction book. That would give me the breathing room to leave my BS job and/or move to a cheaper area.