I’m sorry for the depressing topic, it’s just been an extremely lonely and disappointing day. I’ve tried to keep busy to avoid the feeling, but it’s getting to me and I just feel awful.
I’ve been ostracized from my very small family due to their dysfunction and my sexuality, and I live in a very rural area roughly 40km from my nearest friend who is busy with their own family. Coupled with the fact that I have no community, organization, or group to associate with, it all just seems very depressing and meaningless. I couldn’t even afford a Christmas tree this year, so I collected some nice pine branches to make a small bundle that I decorated, but even that now seems pathetic and miserable. I just wish I had people to spend the holiday with, even a single person would be nice.
I’ll probably just game for a bit and then head to bed early, holidays are always awful.
I worked out in my gym at home, barefeet on ice cold marble floor, front barbell squats, barbell curls, woodchoppers and all that.
I am used to the loneliness all my life, so I do not even request much from anyone, and am focusing on strengthening myself more. Everything else has lesser or no meaning for me at this point of life.
What I did yesterday is make a nice wallpaper for myself, put it on phone and computer, a collection of quotes I gathered, and have myself said to people throughout my life, to guide myself. Helps me refocus. Take this as a gift from me.
One day I will find a way out of this eternal loneliness, a motherless life without a woman in my life, or decent friends, or a family that is self centered and materialistic. One day I will. I believe there is light at the end of the tunnel, darkness does not exist forever. Persistence never loses.