Recently I read through the comments on a post and someone suggested OP should „just read the room“.
I have been told this since I was young and it triggers me every time.
Being unaware of social dynamics in a situation is a thing a lot of autistic people I know struggle with. „Reading the room“ in my understanding means „becoming aware of the unspoken things in a situation“.
Collins dictionary says: If you say that someone reads the room, you mean that they understand their audience and adapt what they say to suit it.
I think, although not on purpose, saying this is massively ableist and making fun of someone for „not reading the room“ is harassment imo.
Feel free to give an opposing opinion as well. I would like to hear them.
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Read the room / Be more understanding
- implies you didn’t try
- judgemental
- offers no help
- lazy, knee-jerk reaction
or
This is the situation (the situation) / Other people see it like this (other view)
- presumes unintentional mistake
- neutral tone
- informative
- thoughtful
You are a wonderful person for explaining this imo. Thank you.
Reading the room doesn’t get me anywhere if it’s in a language I don’t know.
Exactly. Brilliantly put.
Reading the room is a skill, and there’s plenty of able people who are not good at it, as well, so throwing the term around as if it’s an automatic process should just be considered bad practice in general.
I agree. Thanks for explaining.
Reading the room can be other things as well. It didn’t have to be difficult to observe social dynamics. Sometimes it can be really obvious, and someone is just deliberately trying to be disruptive. Not to disagree with you about it bring ablest, I totally agree with you on that point, but I think there are more situations that aren’t covered by what you describe
Probably. But i have been accused of doing this on purpose while i am neurologically unable to. This being anecdotal evidence I still think a lot of those we perceive as malignant are secretly unable.
To me, the expectation to “read the room” is like expecting me to read Braille with no training. It’s trying to use one sense to do something another sense ordinarily does, in a way that I lack the physical sensitivity to do properly. Sure, I might be able to eventually suss out some meaning, but it’s just as likely to be coincidence as legitimate understanding.
I agree. I‘d use another example like butterfly swimming. It is achievable through training but unless you really have the time, physique and dedication it is futile. Same goes for autistic people being told to read the room. Most of us lack the required synapses (so to speak) and although we could probably get there by training, it is a skill we don’t need as much as we need to make ourselves food or clean the apartment which also some of us struggle with. So maybe, if we have spare time after learning the other stuff, our much needed downtime, if we feel like it (this is a nicely worded fuck off to the person telling us to learn it).
I really don’t like that shitty comment people give. How bout YOU read ME and know you’re an idiot for saying that.
I don’t understand what you‘re trying to say. Would you mind elaborating?
I think the commenter meant that when they are told to “Read the room,” they would like to reply snarkily, “How bout YOU read ME, then you’ll know you are an idiot for saying that.”
Oh! Ok. Thanks for explaining. I didn’t get that. :)
Yes sorry that is what I meant!
No problem! I’m not great with sarcasm. :)
I’m not autistic to my knowledge and it triggers me as well. People just want to be in an echo chamber because it’s more comfortable and they have no space for alternative views.
I would say certain people definitely are like this. In general, I‘m less sure as not everyone is as mean as that.
A lot of people tend to default to viewing others as a version of themselves, since they understand themselves more then others.
It may be abelist to say, but that’s because they probably can’t understand people who don’t have the same neuro balance that they have.
I‘m not sure I understand what you‘re trying to say, sorry.
In autistic people we call this mind blindness. I‘m gifted and for me, all people are gifted and are deliberately not getting what I get which frustrates the hell out of me.
But I choose to leave them be. I wish they would do the same for me. :)
People might not understand they are being abelist because they are going to view other people through how they act. They may not understand how someone can be mind blind or face blind.
I also say understand because people may “know” something, but that doesn’t mean they understand it.
Makes total sense! Thank you for mentioning it. I think we are often assuming malice when incompetence is more likely.
Completely agree with you. It took me the longest time to organize social norms, and read faces - as someone with face blindness.
When I hear read the room, in a charitable consideration, it usually means the focus of conversation is on x, having side conversations on y distracting from the main focus.
When I hear Read the room, and a negative, or insulting consideration, it usually means we don’t like what you’re saying, we don’t want to have it open debate with you, we prefer just to ignore whatever it is you’re talking about.
I recommend the book political savvy, it helps create these mental maps for people’s incentives. And if you apply that to conversations, then it becomes easier to navigate. Ensure any topic in a conversation, addresses the incentives of all the participants.
Interesting! Thanks for elaborating and the book suggestion. Will check it out!
This makes me remember my mom saying “try to but yourself in their shoes” and “you’re not even trying to understand them”.
This is the definition of knowing what you’re doing wrong but still not knowing how to fix it. Nowadays I just ignore such comments. I accept that there’s phrases that make sense to everyone else except me and there’s phrases that make sense to me and not everyone else. And that’s ok.
Right in the feels! Ouch. But thanks for sharing. I know the feeling.
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