So, I had an incredibly fucked-up childhood in a toxic abusive environment and never really learned how to people.

When I was younger I was… abrasive, let’s say. Or possibly just an insufferable prick. I would argue with people on the internet a lot and generate a lot of conflict - not from a desire to troll (as many assumed), I was just raised in a test-to-destruction environment where loud table-slapping debate was just how you learned things - kind of cage-match debugging sessions kind of thing.

This didn’t make me many friends, understandably.

Anyway, decades passed and I learned to mellow out a bit, to go along to get along, and to develop some soft skills like y’know, tact, and… compassion for people’s emotional investment in their intellectual position, if that has a name.

Well and good, the people I talk to don’t generally want to strangle me, chalk it up as a win.

But increasingly of late I’ve been hearing disparaging talk of ‘people pleasers’, which as best I can tell seems to refer to people who do all the things I was yelled for not doing half my life: going along to get along, valuing other people’s needs and emotional sore spots, taking a cooperative, defensive-driving kind of approach to social ineraction - and I am confuse.

I lack a proper framework to parse this all intuitively; I had to build my social skillset manually by trial and error, and things obvious to others remain somewhat mysterious to me.

I’m not actually ASD (just ADHD), but my lack-of-intuitive-grasp on certain things presents a similar profile. Can someone give me a longhand explanation of the border between not-an-asshole and people-pleasing?

  • intensely_human@lemm.ee
    2·
    1 year ago

    So here’s the deal. Good boundaries around serving others versus serving yourself and how much effort to please people and all that, is something your brain can figure out instinctively once it’s healthy.

    So your path to developing those boundaries, IMO, should be something like:

    • Heal your trauma
    • Then
    • Trust your own perceptions and instincts about where the boundaries should be

    Just like people pleasing feels safe and natural to you now, after you heal your trauma (which IS possible), holding your own boundaries will feel safe and natural in the same way.

    You can spend your whole life coarsely emulating someone with healthy boundaries, or you can heal your trauma and fully embody those healthy boundaries from within.

    Either of those paths is better than just continuing to be a people pleaser, but the latter path is the far better of the two, and takes less effort over the long run.