So, I had an incredibly fucked-up childhood in a toxic abusive environment and never really learned how to people.

When I was younger I was… abrasive, let’s say. Or possibly just an insufferable prick. I would argue with people on the internet a lot and generate a lot of conflict - not from a desire to troll (as many assumed), I was just raised in a test-to-destruction environment where loud table-slapping debate was just how you learned things - kind of cage-match debugging sessions kind of thing.

This didn’t make me many friends, understandably.

Anyway, decades passed and I learned to mellow out a bit, to go along to get along, and to develop some soft skills like y’know, tact, and… compassion for people’s emotional investment in their intellectual position, if that has a name.

Well and good, the people I talk to don’t generally want to strangle me, chalk it up as a win.

But increasingly of late I’ve been hearing disparaging talk of ‘people pleasers’, which as best I can tell seems to refer to people who do all the things I was yelled for not doing half my life: going along to get along, valuing other people’s needs and emotional sore spots, taking a cooperative, defensive-driving kind of approach to social ineraction - and I am confuse.

I lack a proper framework to parse this all intuitively; I had to build my social skillset manually by trial and error, and things obvious to others remain somewhat mysterious to me.

I’m not actually ASD (just ADHD), but my lack-of-intuitive-grasp on certain things presents a similar profile. Can someone give me a longhand explanation of the border between not-an-asshole and people-pleasing?

  • 𝑔𝑎𝑙𝑎𝑥𝑖@lemm.ee
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    28
    ·
    1 year ago

    This is just one perspective, but people-pleasing is when you go overboard with being considerate of others – to the point that you lose yourself. So like the one friend who will say they like all the same things as you, say yes to everything, never disagree, etc. just because they desperately need you to like them. They don’t have boundaries, so even when someone hurts them, they’re like “it’s okay, I don’t mind!” They’re missing a bit of self-respect.

    There’s nothing wrong with being kind or considerate of others! It’s really important to have to form deeper relationships. The problem is when seeming ‘nice’ takes the place of your personality or being honest about your real self, because you value other’s validation more. People can sense that and it can put them off because they want to get to know the real person. People-pleasers can play the character that they think others want them to be, instead of putting in the work to like and value themselves and communicate their own needs and boundaries.

  • IonAddis@lemmy.world
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    23
    ·
    1 year ago

    I also grew up in an abusive home–but I had a freeze/flee response to conflict.

    So, there are several “defense” tactics when it comes to conflict. Fight, which you grew up with. Freeze (do nothing and hope they don’t notice you), Flee (leave the situation), and Fawn (people-pleasing).

    When people say not to be a people-pleaser, they are generally talking to people who have an oversized urge to please as their defensive tactic. If you are a person where “fight” is your go-to, toning it down so you can properly interact with people isn’t a bad thing. It’s what YOU needed to do for YOU to gain necessary social skills.

    But other people out there have “Fawn” as their defense mechanism. That is to say, whenever there’s conflict, they try to placate other people as their technique to de-escalate. And this becomes a situation FOR THEM where they erode their own boundaries trying to please other people whenever in conflict. It becomes a problem when other people take advantage of them because they tend to fawn and give other people things too much, and it causes harm in their life where work/spouses/friends abuse their placating nature. At that point, people who “fawn” need to try to do what you did with your fight response, and set more boundaries and say “no” more often without placating.

    A good portion of “general advice” on the internet does not point out that “context matters”. But it really does, the patterns and personality and past of the person taking advice matters, and when it comes to someone who grew up in an abusive home learning how to master their defense mechanisms, different people will need different advice.

    If you were truly as belligerent as you say before, I’d be honestly surprised if you over-corrected to the point of people-pleasing becoming a detriment, as it’s extremely hard to shake these things. They almost seem to be inborn personality traits that are ramped up into extremes if one is in an abusive situation. I have a friend who had a journey similar to yours, with a “fight” defense mechanism mode, and he’s done a TON of work breaking the “fight” response, but you can still catch him in moments where he goes into “asshole mode”.

    And I’m the same, I’ve grown and improved, but I still default to “freeze” or “flee” in conflict situations that are especially stressful. (My growth has been embracing a “fight” response when necessary, and also a “fawn” response when necessary.) Him and I made opposite journeys…I learned to be more aggressive because it was necessary, and he toned his aggression down (because it was necessary to avoid driving away people he loved).

    • IonAddis@lemmy.world
      link
      fedilink
      English
      arrow-up
      8
      ·
      1 year ago

      I stepped away and thought of more things–so a response to my own reply, heh.

      As for learning where to draw the line…you need to take a pragmatic approach to your own past responses to things. Stop and look at them with clear eyes, pretend you are a scientist analyzing data both good and bad, and don’t cherry-pick your data, look at both sides of what happened…how many of your recent responses go overboard with “fight” in a way that doesn’t give a clear benefit or align with your ethics? (And how many likewise do “fawn”?)

      Like, fighting just to fight drives people away so that’s not a benefit as you lose community and support, and fighting with (say) a customer service person you’ll never see again for $2.00 turns you into a Karen and wastes time so that’s not a benefit.

      But haggling on the purchase of a house or a car might actually be a financial benefit (so long as you don’t turn it on the underlings and place it where it belongs and don’t go overboard with being mean just to be mean).

      So look at your recent responses. How many fight for “bad” reasons that are small or petty or waste your own time, how many fight for “good” reasons?

      Likewise, how many of your reactions people-please in ways that help you keep friends you actually want to keep, and how many start to be detrimental to you because people are starting to abuse your new habit of people-pleasing?

      To learn where the line in your life is for either response, you need to look at what YOU’VE recently done, and figure out if that’s the person you want to be, if the benefits/detriments make sense.

      For example (example pulled out of my ass), if you go out with friends and pay for stuff for everyone SOMETIMES, that is one thing. If you NEVER do it because you’re angry they’re taking advantage of you…well, if you never do it, how could you be paying for everything “all the time”? How could that even be possible? Sure, the anger is there, but is it based in reality? Might be you’re just angry to be angry–and it’s good to look at that. Fact-check emotions against reality to re-calibrate and see what’s going on.

      But by the same measure, if you over-correct because you feel bad about being an asshole in the past and you desperately don’t want to be that person…you might be paying for everything all the time…which actually IS unfair to you, and if you examine a situation and find you’ve over-corrected and this is happening, an appropriate balance might be to scale it back. But you want to CHECK and look at your pattern across time to see if that’s going on.

      (Patterns across time tell you more than isolating one event out of context.)

      You’ll probably find instances where you FEEL one way and want to fight/fawn/(freeze/flee), but to continue to grow you probably need to stop and look at your recent patterns and fact-check your emotions against what really happened.

      For me, since learning to “fight” was a part of my journey away from “flee/freeze”, I tend to reserve “fighting” for situations where either A) I’ll get genuinely financially fucked if I don’t (not just a dollar here or there, but something that’ll affect food/rent/real-life survival stuff), or B) I’m interacting with a community and there’s toxic folks coming in. Sometimes a community with toxic people simply need someone to stand up and call it out to counter the bystander effect, then people will rally behind you.

      Also, a note: When you draw a boundary, even if it’s a very rational and reasonable one, it is not uncommon for SOMEONE to get upset by it. This is not the same as everyone getting mad at you because you’re constantly an asshole. Again, the proof is in the pattern…if no matter what you do people seem constantly angry at you, that’s probably you. But if that reaction to you has stopped, but a few people get upset if you actively set a boundary on something–that’s human nature. There are OTHER people out there who definitely want to take advantage of everyone around them, and that’s sometimes you, so if you set any sort of boundary at all no matter how rational that’ll still be “too much” for them.

      That’s not necessarily a sign that you’ve “back slid”, it’s just that 20-30% of people are shitty people no matter what.

  • 520@kbin.social
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    22
    ·
    edit-2
    1 year ago

    Are you harming yourself or your own interests (eg: your friendships, your mental health) in order to appease others? If the answer is yes, you have a problem. If the answer is no, it’s a ‘them’ problem.

  • ℕ𝕖𝕞𝕠@midwest.social
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    15
    ·
    1 year ago

    “People pleasing” is the sort of neurotic belief that people won’t like or value you if you’re not actively working to make them happy constantly. From the inside, you can manage it by:

    • prioritizing self-care (pleasers tend to throw it to the wayside to care for others)

    • limiting the people you seek to please (ie family and close friends, or people who reciprocate)

    • reminding yourself that no one likes a doormat

    But that doesn’t really address the root of the problem, which is externalizing our self-worth.

  • Dandroid@dandroid.app
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    10
    ·
    1 year ago

    In my opinion, I always saw “people pleasing” as not having an opinion of your own and always just agreeing with whoever you are talking to.

    There are ways to disagree with someone and not be abrasive about it. As long as you respect people’s opinions and don’t act like you are better than them because of their opinions, I feel like the rest falls into place. You can be inquisitive about your disagreeal, asking why they believe what they believe, and possibly lead them to what you believe. You can simply withhold your opinion until someone asks for it (and maybe even withhold it then). You can even agree to disagree (my personal favorite). What’s key is having a civilized discussion about a topic. It doesn’t always have to be a heated argument or even a debate - just a conversation.

    You can also sometimes change your mind on something and realize you were wrong and they were right. If this your honest opinion, it isn’t “people pleasing” imo.

  • half_built_pyramids@lemmy.world
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    7
    ·
    1 year ago

    Lunch comes up as it often does. Your friend Salby suggests pizza, which takes too long for lunch to start with, but whatever. You’re gluten free so you pipe up and say sure, as long as it’s a place with gf crust, and they have a separate baking spot, and they use clean pizza cutters so there’s no cross contamination. Spoilers, such places are rare.

    First scenario everyone is cool with going across town to the place you know is safe. It’s a normal conversation. Lunch takes 90m but that’s fine because no one has any conflicts.

    Scenario 2, big meeting at 1 – fucking gross who does that – so it’s Pizza Basement which is a local minimum wage chain with teens who hate everything running the place.

    People pleasing would be going along with #2 and just eating some wilted half cup side salad for lunch.

    Scenario 2 you should’ve gone somewhere else or just passed on lunch. If Salby clocks that you stood up for yourself and they decide they don’t like that, you might have to regulate.

  • Pandoras_Can_Opener@mander.xyz
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    5
    ·
    1 year ago

    There’s a nice saying in the community of people who heal from childhood abuse: don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. I always found it to be a powerful and succinct way of describing toxic people pleasing.

  • jbrains@sh.itjust.works
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    3
    ·
    1 year ago

    At one extreme, one finds what you describe of your behavior from childhood. At another, one finds people pleasers, who compulsively elevate everyone else’s needs above their own.

    You seem to have found a balance between the two. That’s probably good for you.

    How to decide how much of each to do? That’s complex, meaning there are feedback loops. There is no right way. You bounce between too much and too little, you pay attention to your own reactions, and you converge towards a satisfying life. You do your best.

    Does this help at all?

  • Mothra@mander.xyz
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    3
    ·
    1 year ago

    Depends a lot on context.

    I’m also a “self made social skills person”, although I can’t claim the same background or difficulty level as yours. But I am clearly a weirdo who can’t grasp half the unspoken social conventions, they require a lot of analysis on my part, so I get you.

    “People pleaser” isn’t always a bad thing. You can tell by who is saying it and how, if they are making it sound like a selling point then it is. It can mean it’s someone helpful and charismatic.

    If it’s used negatively it means a human doormat or bootlicker although without the loyalty to a person/group you’d expect from a bootlicker. Unlike the doormat, which is passive, the people pleaser will actively go out of their way to give you what you want. This is the person that wants to bring you a cup of coffee you never asked for, the person who will never disagree with anyone, the first one to raise their hand when there are errands to get through, etc.

    Since they are willing to set aside their own wants to do what others want, they can be seen as lacking personal ambition and independence, or as someone who can’t be trusted since they are easily swayed.

  • Varyk@sh.itjust.works
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    2
    ·
    edit-2
    1 year ago

    “Compassion for people’s emotional investment and their intellectual passion” - this is covered by "empathy, and it’s incredibly difficult to practice, so my sincere congratulations for working at it.

    With everybody existing on a spectrum, you not pleasing people without limits will make you an a****** at some point. The limit is yours to figure out because you understand yourself best.

    For me, I help people until or unless it is painfully obvious that they are taking advantage of a situation. I don’t personally mind someone taking a little advantage. But once it’s clear that they will not stop taking, I draw boundaries.

    I think most people have different limits on how much they are willing to give and take. And you get to determine your own limits.

    You set an initial boundary for yourself of how much you are willing to give and take and then remain consistently aware of progressive circumstances so that you can adjust your boundaries as necessary to your own health and well-being.

    If you still feel good about yourself and you aren’t hurting anybody else, great.

    It is much easier to set static boundaries and adjust as necessary than immediately shouldering a dynamic boundary that changes every minute with each situation.

  • intensely_human@lemm.ee
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    2
    ·
    1 year ago

    So here’s the deal. Good boundaries around serving others versus serving yourself and how much effort to please people and all that, is something your brain can figure out instinctively once it’s healthy.

    So your path to developing those boundaries, IMO, should be something like:

    • Heal your trauma
    • Then
    • Trust your own perceptions and instincts about where the boundaries should be

    Just like people pleasing feels safe and natural to you now, after you heal your trauma (which IS possible), holding your own boundaries will feel safe and natural in the same way.

    You can spend your whole life coarsely emulating someone with healthy boundaries, or you can heal your trauma and fully embody those healthy boundaries from within.

    Either of those paths is better than just continuing to be a people pleaser, but the latter path is the far better of the two, and takes less effort over the long run.

  • Alytastic@lemmy.one
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    1
    ·
    1 year ago

    I’m not sure I’ll answer this exactly right but here’s my thought on your question.

    People pleasing to the point that you almost always sacrifice your own wants and needs is the the kind of thing that is seen or talked about as problematic.

    The goal is to find as fair a balance as possible between not being an asshole but also not always sacrificing your own wants and needs. It can be hard for some people who have a personality where they always take a back seat to what others want or need in social situations. They are true people pleasers in the negative sense of the word.

    I think some people use the term people pleaser to simply refer to someone who is nice, but that’s inaccurate because just being nice and handling social situations well is great as long as you aren’t always sacrificing your own wants and needs.

    I’ve been called a people pleaser many times. I’ve worked hard to find a better balance between my own needs and others. Now I know that I am instead just a very nice person, but am more than willing to put my own wants and needs first. It just took me a while to figure out that my wants and needs are just as important as others.

    Like I said, balance can be hard, but I think most people will be just fine if they stick to the “don’t be an asshole” part.

  • shootwhatsmyname@lemm.ee
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    1
    ·
    1 year ago

    I think people pleasing is when your whole identity and emotions are all based on someone else’s emotions.

    If you completely lack the ability to be okay when anyone else in the room is not okay, then you might be a people pleaser. A people pleaser especially doesn’t know how to be okay when someone is disappointed in them.

    You can still be kind and attentive to other people and take accountability for your actions without being thrown into mental and emotional chaos because someone else is feeling bad. This begins with realizing that other people’s thoughts and feelings should not always automatically hold more weight than your own thoughts and feelings. Yes, It can sometimes be good to consider how people are doing or the words they say about us, but you are also a human on this planet and how you’re doing deserves plenty of attention too—especially if nobody else in your life is genuinely caring for you.

    The ideal healthy balance is being able to allow others to feel bad and not automatically feel shame, cast blame on yourself, or make it your own responsibility. People pleasers have made this a habit, and it takes time and practice to break down, but it’s such a simple and healthy place to be when you can start to approach situations with a clear head instead of constant internal shame.