in my experience
Just thinking about an interaction today. It’s pretty interesting how I tell the average person (especially males) a story where i’m the victim and they immediately intensely victim blame me.
This is probably largely due to rock bottom low positive sentiment of the person directed towards me. I don’t know why i talk to some of people i talk to. At least when i think about it. I’m pretty sure i have higher standard for which internet acquaintances i talk to regularly then irl acquaintances. If it’s an internet interaction, if i establish they’re uhh unsuitable i don’t talk to them anymore, and maybe i should do that irl for acquintances?
Obv if you vets someone as being good company, they don’t victim blame you.
Venting:
Depending on factors, when someone gives obvious advice, it really stakes a fence in the sand of “i don’t know what you’re talking about”. Specifically when they give obvious advice and don’t ask much about why you haven’t done that already.
And then sometimes (tdy) go from telling a story where i was victimized to basically being revictimized by the person i’m talking to where i have to hold myself back bc they keep giving obv dumb advice, and if i explain why I didn’t do Y, they press on something like Y2 then Y3 etc.
There might be some kind of golden rule here of unless i’m testing how ‘suitable’ someone is or we’re friends, dont explain jack squat
i have to hold myself back bc they keep giving obv dumb advice
Just want to say sorry that you’re experiencing this. It sounds pretty invalidating and traumatizing. I hope you can find a better set of individuals to share these experiences with 😞
I’m going to make an assumption here, but are the people you are talking to men? Men are socialized to present solutions to problems, rather than socialized on how to help others process a complex emotional event, and will often default to giving advice when told about any negative life event. While I don’t mean to excuse their behavior by any means, it may help to explain some patterns you’ve participated in.
Just want to say sorry that you’re experiencing this. It sounds pretty invalidating and traumatizing. I hope you can find a better set of individuals to share these experiences with 😞
You’re good at this! Someone once told me not to talk to them as much like this bc it was too therapyish for them. Since then I try to roughly paraphrase what they’re saying and like throw in a dumb joke. (Ex someone’s telling me how they got fired, i summarize how they got fired and say like “another day in paradise”. Which usually at least gets a slight smile) I’ve never known how well received my approach is, but no obvious negative reviews. I’m unsure if the joke at the end is too abrupt change of tone or something? What do you think about this kind of approach?
but are the people you are talking to men?
Mostly. I read about this too. I don’t know as many women and the ones I do tend to be at least somewhat tomboyish and they do the same thing lol.
Also I’ve been thinking, when people tell me about some bad story that happened to them, I’ve been wondering if I should straight up ask “do you want me to give you dumb obvious advice?” But I don’t want them to feel like “sir this is a Wendy’s” (which is also funny bc a Wendy’s cashier was complaining about her position to me in Wendy’s lmao)
What do you think about this kind of approach?
Restating what someone said to let them know that you were listening is a tried and true technique. Levity can definitely help land a tough topic. I see no issues with your approach, although if someone’s looking for a deeper connection they might appreciate less levity? Hard to say, depends on the person.
I’ve been wondering if I should straight up ask “do you want me to give you dumb obvious advice?”
I think it’s reasonable to ask if they’re looking for help and if so, what kind of help they’re looking for. Most of the time I assume people are looking for somewhere to emotionally vent and be seen, because when people are looking for help they usually ask… but it depends on the person. Some people find it very hard to ask, but are very willing to accept help when it’s offered. Knowing your crowd is the true key. If you don’t know the person talking to you yet, it just means you should ask questions about how they like to interact and what they’re looking for when offering up this kind of information. Eventually you’ll learn what they’re looking for.
kind of help they’re looking for
True! Forgot about this.
Good suggestions!
I’ve only tried twice so far specifically telling the person I’m speaking to not give me advice. Didn’t work both times - I think their word vomit is too strong for them to hold back.
One of them I’ve told twice too. Didn’t work the second time either. Now when we’re talking, I just don’t complain to her
What I’ve been trying to learn about more is emotional intelligence. I started this process back in 2008. To explain, my wife had just become pregnant with our first child and I had no idea how to raise a human being. Naturally, for me at least, I hit the libraries and bookstores so fucking hard. I spent months pouring over child psychology and the like. Overwhelmingly, what was resounding from academia, was this notion of emotional intelligence.
In almost every peer-reviewed article and popular child psychology book EI (or EQ) was by far the most important. So, how do you learn or teach this? In a nutshell, talk about your feelings and be willing to listen to anyone else’s feelings.
My wife and I have tried to do this, as best as we can, between ourselves and our children for the past 14 years. So far, we can’t argue against these findings and our family is happy, well-adjusted and we all have successful relationships between ourselves and in our community.
I hit the libraries and bookstores so fucking hard
As someone who somewhat raised themself, thanks a lot for putting in the effort!!! Which might sounds like a strange thing to say, but do you get why I appreciate hearing that you put in the effort?
All the readings helped? I read psychology today articles with consistency and they talk about these kind of things sometimes. I read through them for the same reason you do, self improvement
Right! Self improvement equaled improvement for my family. Absolutely.
