Maybe you’re one of those families that buys mostly straws. The ones you see with little children huddled and sobbing around their parent who is desperately trying to hold back tears while explaining, “we can only afford 13 bags of straws this week instead of 36 because woke took away our plastic straws. And while duck calls will work just fine with biodegradable straws, they don’t have the same mouth-feel as the ones that choke sea turtles.”