Valentine’s…
Another memo about my failure as an adult. At the warehouse I’m working lots of the package and merch are hearts, plushies, and similar heart shaped stuff, plus some Xmas decorations for some fucking reason…
Is there any way to escape it? I guess not. I probably wouldn’t think too much about it if I was younger but since last week was my bday ready to remind me that I’m getting old… This back to back just crushes me.
Is it a failure, though?
Do you desire closeness, or do you want to fit into societal script?
Relationships ain’t all shine and rainbows, and while they certainly contain nice experiences like these, all those hearts and butterflies, they are not a constant bliss, and many people in relationships actually crave some more time alone, of which you have plenty.
That said, I understand how lonely it may feel, and am with you. If you actually want it, you’ll get it, I promise. Some people find their love at 20, some at 40, some at 60 - it’s alright. But if you’re only driven by the fear of missing out or societal pressure to live by the script - leave it, it’s not worth it.
Depends on how “old” you think is old. I turned 55, and I use to think 35 was “getting old.”
But that’s not old. But you are NEVER to old to change your life. I didn’t get my first degree until last year at age 54.
I was able to retire last month. So even tho 55 sounds old, in retirementland, it’s young.
Write your own story, be the hero of your story, regardless of age. Fuck ageism.
Unless it’s politics. Fucking politicians need to stop being politicians at age 60!
Valentine’s Day is pure commercialist bullshit. Don’t let that get you down.
There’s also nothing wrong with being single, and you’re not a “failure” if you are. Societal pressure to find a partner is nonsense.
In my younger life there was an older man who I spoke with quite a bit, an acquaintance
He spent about 5 years married to his first wife, who died.
He spent the next 30 years in relationships constantly pining over what could have been, never satisfied
Finally he turned 60 and his 4th wife got sick of him and divorced him
He was sad and lonely for 15 years after that, constantly sad about what could have been with his last wife, lost and not understanding why she left.
He’s married again now, at 75, and still talks about his prior wife.
Contentment is not found in relationships, it comes from within, and bubbles up to whatever situation you find yourself in. Don’t fall for the lie that you are a failure without a significant other.
Call me crazy, but I more than understand why someone would have permanent difficulty moving on from having someone closest to you die.
Sure, don’t feel too bad for him though, he did abuse her and his kids
An abusive man who’s constantly fishing for sympathy? Hmm…
Yikes…
I’m tired so to me that sounded like you were acquaintances for 60 years in your younger life, leading me to believe you were an elf or something. Then I remembered that this was real life…
But I am. I’ve never met ANYONE. No kiddie romance, no middle school crush or first girlfriend, no sex life, nothing. That dude is going to die but at least his life had a meaning and fulfilled his purpose. He can complain all he wants, he did his “thing” married, got kids and so on…
I’m zero on that.
Friend, I’m sorry to hear you are going through that. I have no advice because I don’t even know what that would be like.
I’ve always had some sort of girlfriend in my life since middle school. BUT there are many times I shouldn’t have had one because some were just emotionally draining toxic people. But I always coupled up rather than went solo. I don’t know if it was out of habit or what. I just always was in a relationship.
My current gf wants to get married, but I’m hesitating. I actually wanna go solo for a bit, so just know that being in a relationship doesn’t solve everything.
Hope things work out for ya, mate!
Do you desire to have those things or do you want to leave an impact on the world? If you don’t actually desire to have romantic/sexual relationships with other humans that’s fine and no matter how much importance allo people assign them you shouldn’t feel like you need them.
I think you accidentally a huge Freudian slip on your second sentence.
I don’t see it. Even before the correction
Really elegantly said
I am married, and we don’t care at all about either of these holidays. I don’t think that participation should be an indicator of success.
Therapy might obviate the need for an escape and is likely free in your area! And you know folks would happily look up resources for you with nothing more than a region.
Whether you want to escape, well that’s up to you.
I understand. It’s true that you can’t pin all your happiness onto a hypothetical person, or even a real one, but it’s also hard to be happy when you’re lonely. Sometimes I do the things that used to make me happy and just wish I had a friend to do them with.
I guess that doesn’t help much, I just want you to know someone gets it. And Valentine’s Day doesn’t help because marketing is inescapable, and marketers want you to have a partner to buy their cheap heart-shaped shit for, so the result is that it makes lonely people like us hyper aware of our loneliness.
I do hope you find happiness and fulfillment, in whatever form it takes, not just the one that’s expected of us.
You did escape it.
I don’t know any long-term couples who have not been cheated on. Straight people especially.
As a culture we are expected to find a partner, and feel like failures if we don’t.
Because people are fucking idiots.
As a culture we used to expect angry people to use leeches to remove blood, or perform exorcisms on people that were mentally ill.
Fuck those expectations. Cultural attitudes can be wrong.
You didn’t fail, you avoided anguish. Being single is far, far better than being stuck with someone because you felt like you had to.
The frustrating part of it is that humans are social creatures. So while it can be less stressful alone and less painful in certain ways (like never having someone cheat on you), it can be lonely is all.
In-person friends are better than a spouse because it’s expected to take breaks from time to time. Go travel, or hunker down. Then reconnect with them later. With a spouse you’re not allowed to do that, and it erodes the value of the relationship.
To make in-person friends, I go to public places where I’m comfortable, and act respectfully.
I’ve had five or six long term partners and they’ve all turned into selfish, entitled children after the honeymoon phase ended. I’m telling you, it’s overrated.
That’s a fair point. I have honestly never really sought out a partner before so I don’t have much experience. But I do have experience with the disappointment of losing friends and/or not being able to do much with a friend because they have to prioritize their family above all else. It’s perfectly understandable and not done in an argumentative or problematic way, but it does hurt sometimes. People grow apart from their friends as their friends’ priorities and distances change.
So I’ve been more recently attempting to seek out a significant other because I want a friend who we will mutually prioritize and who won’t be dipping out because of their children or otherwise drifting apart or etc. I don’t even care about or want sex. I just want to have an equal.
It’s maybe wishful thinking on my part. But that’s my goal.
Never having intimacy or any type of relationship in these 35 years of my existence disagree with you. Yes, I would take being cheated on if that means breaking this black hole. Having something is always better than nothing.
Use this as an opportunity. Put in more effort to make it happen. Yeah, it isn’t a straightforward path, but not many things in life are.
Good luck man! Life is sometimes hard, but we get through it.
